Trying to find my way

[Meghan]

I had basically detached to the point of indifference. It made my daily routine much much easier, and I was able to be happy and upbeat around her.

I definitely need to do this more, but I’m finding it extraordinarily difficult to actually do. My IC thinks I’m both highly sensitive and highly emotional, and it’s so, so hard to turn off or even turn down. I think I’ve been pretty good about being happy and upbeat (okay, maybe not quite so much this week, although I haven’t been visibly upset since we went to MC). It has been hard to function normally, though, which is getting to be a problem at this point.

I had worked on my 180s and she had definitely noticed. After about 7 weeks or so of me being strict no contact, and limiting any contact she had with me to extremely brief unless it was kid related, she seemed to have softened her heart/position. So a few days ago after we met to exchange the kids (only the 4th time I had seen her) she again initiated text contact over nothing really important. This time, I "allowed" the texting to continue. I use that term not as if I was controlling, but I mean I participated with longer responses. I still kept to DB where I would end the texting with hers being the last. But instead of being short, I gave more enthusiastic answers, and 'engaged' more.

H. is only going to be gone for a bit over two weeks, but I wonder if this is something I could try on a shorter timeframe. H. said in counseling that he’d be in touch with me while he was away, but I’m thinking I might try to keep it to him getting in touch with me first (I’ll make an exception on my birthday) and possibly either be a bit unavailable at some times or limit how much we talk initially – like you said, not appearing to be too eager to talk. I do feel like I need some balance here, though – if one of his concerns if the lack of intimacy and caring that I’ve showed, going too dark is probably not going to help with that. It seems to be finding that balance again between giving space and showing interest and caring.

Honestly, I’m kind of scared he’ll go and will barely be in touch at all and that it will hurt, but I suppose that’s just another opportunity to do a 180 and not try to find out where he is and what he’s doing, which is what I’d probably normally do (out of curiosity and caring). I’m also going to have to be careful to rein myself in and not ask anything that seems to be leading him to talk about the relationship – I don’t want to be annoying him or pressuring him or even letting him think that I’m wondering (okay, let’s be honest, it will be obsessing) over his decision.

I think the being as dark as possible, and really giving her the impression (a lot based on things I said immediately prior to our S) that I was truly going to move on with out her probably helped. Cannot say for sure (mind reading) but I know nothing else I had tried (crying, pleading, etc) worked, so I just backed off completely.

I’m not sure how to give this impression right now, but I’ve wondered if something like this might be helpful – maybe indicating that I’m going to use this time to sort out myself, too? I’m not sure I could make it convincing right now, though, because it’s still pretty clear that I want to make this work (especially in MC).

Again, if it’s not too much trouble, could I ask if there’s anything specific you told her, or is this in your thread?