Trying to find my way

[Meghan]

My W was the one that didn't want sex at all. I was trying to be nice and not initiate at all and I think it may have been wrong thing to do. I am not saying to try and just keep asking, obviously that isn't working try something different. A lot if good examples on here already, but try to do it with no expectations, hard yes, but will keep you wanting to try again.

I basically backed off completely, particularly when it became clear that he wasn’t that cool with touching me in any way, and was reading selfishness into any touch that I did give him. I’m not sure it was the right thing to do for so long, but he seemed so unable to even contemplate touching me that I didn’t know what else to do. So instead, I tried changing other things to change the dynamic, but it’s hard to tell how much they’ve helped when that was the big thing. I think I’m going to try a few different things – a little more touching that’s as neutral as possible, plus some shorts-wearing and yoga-doing. I’m also going to put even more effort into compliments and affirming him through my words.

While W and I were in counseling, it was very hard when it came time to answer my issues time. I was scared as well, and worried. I might go against a few here, but my thoughts. You have to be able to release your side of things to, and yes they are going to be upset at you for what you say. However, if you keep it in, it's not helping either. Now don't dwell on it, and make it seem like end of the world, don't think you are but just saying. Then when he comes back with his whatever feeling validate it from there. Doesn't matter what you do or say, he is feeling what he is feeling and you can't change that. You can change yourself though, and keep putting your best foot forward, and when and if he is ready the feeling of only being about you may dissipate. Just keep it has nice and honest as possible.

Thanks for this, Roid. I do think there’s something to be said for being able to get your feelings out, too, although then I come here, see all the advice, and feel like I’ve just messed it all up again based on what’s being said. Unfortunately, at this point I do feel like I’m making it into the end of the world. This upcoming trip feels like an insane amount of pressure to be as calm and cool as I can, and it feels like I blew it in counseling – H. has seemed to be less engaged and more snappy since then, which is hard to deal with when he’s going away to come to a decision about the marriage and whether there’s any hope.

I’m definitely working on changing myself as much as I can – it felt good to be doing some 180s, and it really made a difference in feeling like I had a life outside of him. In the last few years its felt like my world has become really small. This week has seemed especially hard, though – all I want to do is wallow and it’s been a real struggle to keep up with going out, seeing people, and getting things done. Because neither of us is working right now, we’re both around all the time in a small apartment. I’m not sleeping well, am unfocused, and feel like I’m close to either tears or to throwing up pretty much all the time.

When you are home though and together try to keep from mentioning much unless he brings it up. If he does just validate and really pay attention, like you are when he asks you to look at stuff, try not to talk about you. I know it's hard to do, but right now he thinks it's all about him.

Other than our initial conversation, which was in response to me initiating sex, he’s never brought up the R in the last four months. And once I got past some of the things that we tended to argue about, I haven’t really been bringing things up at home anymore. It’s been weeks now since I brought up anything relationship-wise. I sometimes wish I had more opportunities to validate when we’re not in counseling.

And, honestly, it felt like backing off on the talks and the 180s were helping recently. It seemed like there were some small positive signs. But then we got to counseling on Monday and I got the “nothing’s changed, nothing’s better, I see her as a friend, I resent and am angry with her, I shouldn’t have to do the work, she should be fixing things without my input, I feel hopeless” talk, which felt absolutely awful.

While he is gone on his trip plan a couple things just for you. Keep your mind off of it, and try to focus on you and what you can do to have fun and enjoy your life.

I’m going to see some friends that I haven’t seen in ages and take the opportunity to visit my parents, so that will be nice. I could use the distraction and the love and support.