I am Lost

[pilot]

Welcome, and do not ever take offense to advice given on these forums. A lot of people have walked in your very shoes and will commonly give you a "2x4 to the head" in the form of tough love or tough advice. But have faith that everyone who participates really has your best interest at heart.

I see where you said what your name stands for. I applaud that, as I am sure most others here will too. We are all here because we love our spouses enough to endure the pain they are causing, many times through infidelity.

Understand that the entire concept of Divorce Busting (DB) is counter intuitive to what feels right or we feel we should do. But read through these postings and you will see that following the steps outlined in DB really can produce results in situations which looked hopeless.

In your situation, you say you have been at it for 2 years. In those 2 years, do you think you have made progress doing what you have been doing? Have the massages and back rubs worked at getting her to forget about the other guy? My point is you are still giving your wife everything. Under normal circumstances that is great. But this is not a normal circumstance. Remember, you CANNOT make her change. You can only change YOURSELF. And by changing yourself, you can change the way she views you and by that change the way she treats you. Right now she has zero reason to treat you any different than she is now, and she has zero reason to end her affair. Why? Because she knows she can keep doing what she is doing and you will still be there. For her to reevaluate how she treats you and how she feels about you, she has to believe you are willing to/or have moved on. And it is tough. It goes against everything you FEEL you want to do to keep your marriage alive.

Remember, you are not dealing with a rational person. She is in a fog...and in this fog she cannot see things clearly, nor thing things clearly through. The ONLY way you will end the cycle you are in, is for you to detach. That does not mean quit loving her. It means quit being a doormat. It means quit letting her have her cake and eat it too. She has to be faced with the harsh realities of her actions. It will not happen overnight. This will take time. And during this time is when you work on improving yourself. It seems you have already started which is good. But unless you detach, she will never feel any pressure to change her behavior. She is getting the best of both worlds right now.

You have set a very clear boundary of no more PA. While I believe you, do you think she does? After all, she has carried this affair on for years and all you have done is give her backrubs as a reward.

I do not know if you have read DR or DB yet, but i would strongly consider doing so if you have not. I would also consider the Last Resort Technique given your current situation. My W also had and A and swore up and down there was no hope of us ever working things out. We have been separated for about 7 weeks or so, and during that time I used the LRT and had no contact with her except things related to the kids. I worked on my 180s, and went out and got a life, and more importantly, I detached. I detached to the point of indifference. It helped me get through my days...whereas before I was a complete emotional wreck. My W noticed, she noticed the no contact, and after 7 weeks, she has been very proactive in contacting me, being very friendly, and I feel I am making progress. I never stopped loving my wife a single bit. But I knew from reading other stories here of similar situations, that my best chance at saving my marriage was basically to convince her I was willing to walk away from it.

I hope you stick around, and post frequently. People will chime in with advice and support. This place really has been a Godsend for me, and many others. It is a great support group and in many ways, therapy.

Best of luck to you!