Trying to find my way

[Meghan]

I am now at the point where I can slowly start tossing a compliment or two out there and judge the results. I actually did give her a compliment yesterday, and she was very receptive and thanked me for it. 2 months ago it would have been met with deaf ears and probably a mild case of annoyance.

It's good to know that other people have trouble finding the balance, too, but I'm so pleased that you made progress! Do you mind if I ask how you worked up to this point?

You had mentioned your H thinks when you do initiate physical contact/intimacy, it is done for your own needs. This is why I suggested YOU doing something for/to him which only results in HIS needs being met.

One of the really troubling things is that he sees absolutely anything I do as self serving. In counseling the other day, I mentioned that I used to cuddle up and rub his back and scratch his head in the morning. Maybe it's that I didn't adequately validate his feelings that I wasn't touching him enough, but he said, "Well, what did YOU get out of that." It was something that I wanted to do for him, but he doesn't see that (and I'm not sure that the fact that it was pleasant for me to do something for him should invalidate the fact that it was still for him). And if he can't find something apparent that I get out of doing something for him (like hugging him so I get a hug myself), he claims that I'm hugging/touching/meeting his needs to either make myself feel better for hurting him or fix the relationship, not because I want to make him happy.

I'm really sorry - this probably sounds like I'm arguing with you - I'm really not. I've just been flummoxed by his responses so far and it's been frustrating (although pretty understandable) that he can't stop reading selfishness into everything that I do. There's nothing I'd like more right now than to surprise him in the ways that you've suggested and do something that is really, genuinely just for him to meet his needs - the tips are great and have given me loads to think about, particularly since these were things that I clearly wasn't doing before.

I do not have an answer for when or how you should initiate. I doubt anyone can give you that answer. You will just have to judge that for yourself.

No, I don't think anyone has that answer, unfortunately (although wouldn't it be grand if someone did?) For now, I think I need to tread relatively cautiously and ease into things a bit while keeping some of these techniques as the ultimate goal for a little bit down the road. Actually having something specific to work towards seems to make the some intermediate steps clearer, so that's really helpful and gives me a few things to work on.