1st post. Long but please read, help!

[Zues126]

Thanks for the replies. Time for an update. Yes, I have read Co-dependent No More. I have now been doing the exercises at the end of each chapter. 5 1/2 pages yesterday of answers.

Yes, today is day 12 with no porn. I don't see going back but I suppose I shouldn't be complacent. I haven't been able to abstain from the more natural male activity, but I don't think I could stop- particularly while single and kicking the more destructive habit. Hopefully my mind continues to clear up as time passes. That's still one big area for my growth. Boy does it stink to be a guy sometimes, it's a tough burden to have this much lust and desire inside. I often think no woman could ever truly understand it and I allowed that to sink my M.

In general all I can say is this is just such a funny journey. Sunday night I was spending time with my children and my STBX was in the room. There were some moments of real warmth. She laughed at a few things I said to the kids, and we exchanged some playful words. I had a feeling that she would withdraw after that, and sure enough there was no contact for 3 days after that. My DB Coach told me I was astute to expect that. Basically she let her guard down more than she intended and needs to reestablish the boundary. My plan is when I see those signs of warmth NOT to try to rush in and take every inch of gain, but instead just lay back so she doesn't feel threatened by opening up a little.

The strange part of this journey though is how in the dark I feel every time I start wondering what my chances are. I mean, she might literally have made up her mind to the soul there is no future. She might be wrestling with this daily and looking for signs of change or hope. I have no idea. I try not to think about it but it's hard. Many times this feels like just a complete mind game with myself.

So I really have tried to detach. I'm asking God for a lot of help with that. The hard part is it's NOT steady progress. I'll feel like myself again, detached, excited about what I'm doing, the progress I'm making, etc. Then the next day I'll be right back to 'when is this nightmare going to be over?'

As for cooperating with the D, I'm not going to be the one speeding it up, but I'm not going to try to road block it. I'll let her drive and do what I need to ensure a good partnership with the person I'll be co-parenting with for a long time. I think she's in a hurry because she wants to be financially independent and needs child support and alimony to feel safe. Frankly I've hurt her badly and want her to have the safety she craves. Maybe then she'll have time to thing about what she wants. And my DB Coach told me to get a place of my own. Apparently as long as I'm shacking up in my buddies basement it looks like I'm staring in the window waiting to see if she'll let me back in. Instead if I move on and get my own place it indicates I AM moving on and makes her take more responsibility for what's happening. If I'm not fighting for the relationship she will have to answer tough questions. Maybe she already has, but either way it's better than hovering.

Bottom line, I have a lot more work to do on me. I'm trying to be the person God wants me to be. Apparently God wants me to be a roller coastering emotional wreck . But I know he put me here to learn what he needed me to learn. I am putting him first in my life and asking for a lot of strength to get to know him better and to have him share his will with me.

Thank you for sharing my struggles and occasional breakthroughs.