Trying to find my way

[Meghan]

Wow, db2013 – that was extraordinarily thorough – thank you for your thoughts.

It sounds like he has really low self-esteem right now. Sexual rejection can be very demoralizing making us question our self worth.

I agree. Until I started reading recently, I didn’t understand how devastating that rejection could be, particularly since I was the spouse who just didn’t have any desire for a long time. And although it’s the central issue, I think it goes somewhat beyond the sex, too. Extra weight, lack of a job, and lack of friends have all been weighing on H. recently.

Actually, now that I think of it, my feelings that the balance was off in terms of responsibility is probably further exacerbating those feelings – since he was trying and talks a lot about the changes and sacrifices that he’s made, saying those contribution weren’t adequate probably dismisses the things he felt he had going for him (feeling awful now…)

I say this to emphasize that even though this was a big issue for him it may not be a good idea to approach him for sex right now.

This is pretty much why I’ve been so hesitant. He’s made it clear quite a few times – this past Monday was the latest – that he doesn’t want any of the things that he said he wanted before from me right now. I intentionally touched him on the shoulder a few times today, and that felt like a giant step. I’m hoping there might be room to ease back to it. In our last MC session, he said that I should be making changes but that he shouldn’t have to offer any suggestions, because he’s already done more than his fair share of work, so hopefully the tiniest bits of touching (hasn’t happened in months) can serve as a fairly inoffensive start.

Adapting to a new culture for immigrants can be a very difficult process. The transition can be very stressful and it sounds like he was away from his core support network.

It was definitely a transition – he spent his entire life in one big city and moved to a very small city to be with me, away from his family and some friends – but our home cultures are negligible in their differences.

Do you know why he turned down the two jobs?

The first job he turned down because it wasn’t practical. He doesn’t drive, and one of the requirements was being on call at night for server issues. The second job was an okay fit, but he got the offer and felt he was being lowballed, he didn’t like the woman who interviewed him, and it was something that didn’t really interest him. It was clear he really wasn’t happy about it. I felt strong-armed into not forcing him into it, so I told him that he didn’t have to take it if he didn’t want to and that we could have a quite summer together (I was off work) and he could look again in the fall.

When his turning down the job comes up now, he gets really upset because he sees at as a truly mutual decision, which is not quite how it feels to me, and I didn’t see a whole lot of applications going out after that. And yes, it’s maybe not entirely fair that I feel resentful that he said no when I gave him permission to do so – I guess I wanted him to want to take it to alleviate some of my responsibilities.

Don't be offended by this question but is he really not making the effort to make friends or is it possible that your perception of his efforts may be limited and that he is finding this difficult as a relatively new immigrant?

No offence taken. Until recently, he rarely left the apartment without me (now he often goes for long walks alone). He’s not very social to start with and doesn’t really like coming to work or friend get-togethers with me. I’ve taken him to groups and conferences to meet people with similar interests, but nothing really came of it.

Part of the blow was that he realized that his old friends from home weren’t really in touch with him. Often it takes weeks if not months for them to email him back. This is where the new online friend comes in – he’s said she’s readily available to him, and he needs friends in his life because no one else is really in touch anymore.

Have you read the 5 Love Languages?

From what you describe, it sounds like you each may have different ways of receiving and giving love. It sounds like physical touch &/or words of affirmation may be his primary love language and that yours may be acts of service.

I’d agree with this. I haven’t read it yet, but it’s on my list and I’m aware of the basic concepts. I purr when he rubs my arms or back, so I think he thinks that’s my LL (which he may also assume if it’s his). But now that I’m aware of the LL, I think it’s maybe even more acts of service that are most meaningful to me. I get incredibly frustrated when it feels like things aren’t getting done and are being left to me. For my part, I haven’t been so great about physical touch or words of affirmation (these come really hard to me for some reason), but now that I think of it, my tendency is to do a bunch of chores to show him that I care.

Out of curiosity, did you help him with his job searches and applications?
And if so, how did he respond to this?

I’ve been a sounding board for his resumes and cover letters. A few times I offered my company’s job board, but he never took me up on it. I did ask about job searches for awhile, but he got irritated fairly quickly and insisted that there weren’t many jobs to apply for (which seems somewhat accurate), so I backed off.

Actually, one thing that was a problem that I forgot to include was that he decided he’d start writing racy stories as a way to hopefully interest me and make some money. He asked if I’d be involved and I said that I’d like to and would be happy to be an editor and sounding board. I think we had different expectations of what that meant. He expected that I’d be more involved and would help with plots and storylines and ideas. I was also slower to do the editing than either of us suspected, usually due to work and my own job applications, and didn’t wind up supporting him as much as he was hoping.

From my perspective, it didn’t seem like he was working very fast or hard on the writing, but I felt like I was supporting him by letting him do the writing, listening to his ideas, suggesting my own when I had them, and editing when I had a block of time. From his perspective, he was frustrated because he felt like I wasn’t interested in his work and that it wasn’t a priority for me. So, he wound up doubly disappointed because his writing didn’t help me get in the mood and I wasn’t as involved or tangibly supportive as he was expecting. Thinking on it, I probably haven’t adequately validated his experience there, either, since I usually got defensive about it.

From his perspective, this is what he is feeling right now. The basis of his feelings may be right or they could be wrong but rationalizing this with him may not do any good right now. There may come a time when this discussion may happen. I don't think it is now. You have a choice to make him wrong or to validate what he is feeling. This doesn't mean accepting the blame.

I’m realizing this, despite the fact that I’ve messed it up more than I’d like to think about right now. I think one issue is that we only talk about it in counseling – we don’t really talk about the R outside of it at all – which means that the counselor, who knows how I feel because we each has an individual session, specifically asks about my feelings on these things, leaving me to either lie by omission or put it out there.

I tried to validate in the last session, and said that I agreed that H. was doing the bulk of the emotional caregiving. The counselor asked if my statement was a surprise to H., and he said no, which suggests that he knows that I feel that he’s done a lot of caretaking. But, then I was asked about my perspective, and I pointed out that I felt like the balance was off with him certainly doing the bulk of the emotional work and with me taking care of a lot of the finances and household, which he took serious issue with. I didn’t validate that so well. Right after our session I apologized and said that I was sorry I had said what I did, and said that I was feeling defensive and scared. I was trying to show that I understand his experience even if I messed up by bringing up my resentments, but that’s not great validation. I suppose being more aware of it is a good thing, I’d just like to be able to stop it up front.

Right now it feels like if you do nothing, you will loose everything. Detaching from any expectations will help you tremendously with this. In other words, letting go of trying to influence and control the outcome but not giving up on him or your marriage.

You’re absolutely correct about the feeling that doing nothing will have me lose everything – this feels like the defining moment, and he’s going into it seriously angry and upset with me and feeling there hasn’t been any improvement after four months and five MC sessions. The inclination is to try keep control, but I don’t have any clue how, since it’s just not possible. I haven’t successfully detached yet, but I’ve started some mindfulness meditation, though – I’m hoping that it will help with this.

Be supportive of him and honor desire for this trip as best you can. It sounds like he really needs to reconnect with his family and for him, to find a 'safe' space. Don't give in to the temptation to get his family to talk some sense into him. Give him this gift.

He knows I’m scared of the outcome – thanks to Monday’s MC for bringing that up again so I could cry and leave him feeling guilty – but I haven’t been visibly upset about it in many weeks other than in counseling. I’ve also been asking about what friends he plans to see when he’s there and suggesting things that I know that he’d like to do or wanted to take care of (including pranks on his crazy sister). I don’t know that I’ve pulled off seeming super-excited, but I think I’ve managed at least some healthy interest and support. I have no plans to talk to his family or friends about putting any ideas into his head, although he hasn’t told his mom and I’ve wondered if she might get in touch when she knows more – she’s extremely fond of me, and would might try to get involved.

I have to say that writing this all out has opened my eyes to some more things that I haven’t handled all that well. It’s good to know, I suppose, but it also makes the task ahead even more daunting since I can see even more places where I imagine he feels hurt and slighted by me. That’s hard to face, and there are definitely moments where I worry that I really am a horrible, selfish, self-focused person who was unable to recognize or appreciate most of the nice things that her husband was trying really hard to do for her.