KGirl - post-move

[KGirl]

I just got back from an outdoor concert downtown, and here those are generally excuses to hang out with friends and drink wine in a place you are normally not allowed to do so (outside the state capitol building - woohoo!), so of course getting a little drunk made me kind of maudlin. I ended up not timing my commute home very well so had to kill an hour while waiting for the bus, and had a FB conversation with a friend that went like the following (for background, this is one of a group of friends I met via living on the same floor freshman year of college, so we've known each other for 10 years now and she's known H just as long since we went to the same college):

Me: Did you guys see how cr*ppy he was and I just didn't?

Friend: He isn't necessarily crappy
But I did really worry about you when he repeated his same behaviors of wanting to be with others but then not wanting to lose you, etc.

Me: Am I just his perpetual plan B? Probably.

Friend: Which [censored] because you deserve to be plan A. He's not a cr*ppy person, but rather a person with the potential for good who has messed up priorities and makes poor choices sometimes. You wouldn't marry a bad person, but sometimes even good people make dumb decisions. And, in my outside opinion, he is making dumb decisions. Maybe he'll come to his senses, and maybe he won't. But I'll always worry that he'll have a "relapse" of a plan b syndrome.


I thought her response was very insightful. H is not necessarily a cr*ppy person. He just doesn't have the capacity or tools at this point to do anything different. But, this also sums up the crux of my current dilemma. Do I even bother waiting around to see if he'll change his mind or look back and want to be a part of my life now, knowing that is likely to repeat itself again? Or do I hope that it won't and not give up hope even though I may get hurt again? Is it better to cut my losses now and rid him of my life so that I just don't have to worry about this again? There are no answers, I know. But it's something I've been thinking about.

I feel stuck lately on being p*ssed about how someone can promise you they'll stand by you through the good times and bad (he wrote his own vows and that's what he put in them) and then three years later just toss that out the window with no warning. How can someone do that to another person? Maybe someone who doesn't really care about other people's feelings (like H, who has openly said he can't understand how other people are feeling and doesn't really care?) How could I get the rest of my life figured out but screw this part of it so badly? How could I have married a person who can do this, or did I somehow recognize it but chose to ignore it and still made a poor choice? I don't know. I'm sad and I'm angry still. I was reading a book recently that talked about how there is a "typical" period to be angry after a betrayal and if you exceed it it may be excessive. I'm still angry way after that period - but I kinda feel like the betrayal is ongoing, and maybe the timeline really only makes sense if the betrayal has actually ended? :S I know I'm not at a place yet where I can wish him happiness or wish him the best... I kinda hope he regrets this and it will be too late or he finds himself to be super miserable without me. I need to figure out how to get past that vengeful state. I saw the movie Maleficent yesterday and for those who have seen it, I know I don't want to end up like her - vengeful for years afterward at the expense of innocent people who had nothing to do with the original hurt!