I just read am older post on fear from a DB'er through Thortons thread. It rings so true to where I am at today. And I think why I am trying to understand some if the stuff my W is doing. Because I fear that she is doing all this stuff and lying and cheating and whatever else the WAW can do. However, here I am, trying to understand come up with a plan to get her back. Instead of facing me.
I have just in the last few days began really trying to dig deep and pull out my fears. The fear of not having anyone, the fear of being left behind, the fear of not being a good dad, the fear of not being good enough for a wife, and the list goes on and on. What I have found, is that it's all stuff that I carry with me from childhood on. Never letting truly go of the past, and it affecting my self esteem and self worth core.
I grew up in a terrible family for love, no hugs, no love you's, just fighting and literal fist fights and flying objects at that. And I also grew up with just women around in my life, my father was in bad mental shape as a child, and still is. The only family I had were my aunts and sisters and mom. So I grew up the protector, never wanting anything to harm them. Always trying to be there for them in whatever way I could. However because I was the only male, I never knew what it was like to be a man. I winged it until I couldn't anymore. I took all the fear and let it hide me from the real world, because I didn't want to be left behind, I wanted to be a good father to my kids, and not leane them high and dry, I wanted to never fight and carry on with my wife. All those things were happening though, and why because I was scared I was losing what I had, and couldn't face that. I wanted to just act big and bad like it didn't matter.
Well I am here to say it does matter. You can just sweep it all away, or figure it out later. It's either now or never. I'm that post, he talked about questions you ask yourself. A good one, do I really love my W, or was it nothing. Well I found the answer to that question just over the last few weeks. A women I knew started to flirt with me, and I started to flirt back a bit, fed the ego(fear if being alone), I didn't take it anymore thank god, I stopped myself and her all together. But through that I found that I felt like an idiot, I really love my W, and don't want to hurt her, or put her to the side for the sake of another. I don't know if it's right or wrong, but I have a new found respect for her I hadn't had for a long time.
Now it's like I am starting over on the detach phase and the no contact phase. I have all these feelings that are not fear based, but based solely on love. I have been so ashamed of those events since they happened. But I can't change them just move forward and not let it happen again. I hope I can face all the fears I have and find ways to truly out them in the past. And also that I can truly let my WAW, get her space and leave her be.
It does seem that there is some softening lately, but with the feelings I have, expectations are on the rise. That is the next big thing to tackle. Every time an expectation pops up in my head, I have to squash it. Does it get easier I hope seeing more of me, and what I have to face for me will help. They are however very tough to deal with. Like at dinner the other night, I just wanted to say why are you doing this really, you keep saying you don't wHt this for the kids, you don't want this for our families, but I kept my mouth shut. I need to fight the expectations with everything I have. And then focus back on me.
I am trying my best to do this, but it is just as scary to look at yourself and everything that you can carry as baggage. I hope to drop those off in lost luggage, and never pick them back up. Sorry for the length, just had some stuff to get rid of.
