Trying to find my way

[Meghan]

Thanks, Pilot.

I think your perspective and suggestions mesh with some of what I've been thinking about - I've wondered a lot about how we can get back into having sex routinely enough that I can show him how things can be different and that I do, in fact, want us to have a fulfilling sex life. I can't say I'm not scared to put them into play, though - not because of the likelihood of rejection, but because I fear it will make him even angrier with me.

When the bomb dropped, I offered sex. I offered it again a week later, and then a week after that. Yes, it was partly out of desperation, but our original BD conversation happened right after I'd tried to initiate sex, since I'd actually started feeling desire again (new BC). It’s also possible that my approach didn’t help – I told him that I wanted to have sex with him, but he saw that as wanting to meet my needs to have sex and keep him around. It was then that he told me that it would be a long time before he would want sex with me again because he wasn’t emotionally attracted to me and that I should stop asking (I cried that time, which probably didn’t help matters). He said in our last counseling session that he’s still not emotionally attracted, and that he still doesn’t want sex – or any intimate touching – from me.

I suppose it’s also worth noting that he's made the point that it's not just about the sex, it's about intimacy. Until the BD he was great about rubbing my back and stroking my hair and cuddling. I was not so great about returning, and he feels that all of these things became about me and my needs. He also says I stopped kissing him, which I hadn’t realised.

Today, I intentionally touched him on the shoulder twice while we were out for a walk. I know this is the smallest of smallest things, but it’s the most that I’ve touched him just to touch him – not like if we accidentally touch while passing the salt or something like that – in almost four months now. It felt like a huge deal, but it’s a far cry from initiating – let alone having – sex.

I guess the questions that are weighing on me are how do you balance doing a 180 like that with concerns that you won’t be respecting your spouse’s wishes or needs, particularly when you’ve hurt them really badly? Is this something that’s best asked about verbally first, or led up to and eased into in some way? It does feel like the ultimate 180, but it also feels like it would violate what he’s requested of me, and like I should tread very cautiously, like you suggested.

Also, he’s leaving for his two week figuring things out vacation in six days. Is this something that I should be trying to do before then, even if he sees it as a last ditch effort to keep him around, or should I be holding off until he gets back and going slowly - touching a bit more, perhaps - in the meantime?