1 step forward, 1000 steps back

[mdu]

So, it seemed H and I were making some good positive progress. Unfortunately big setback tonight. Multiple times we have discussed the need for a transparency plan but have never gone into specifics. H has asked a few times to hear them so I agreed to meet him today to discuss details. Things went South from item #1. Specifically, I told him that there is to be absolutely no contact with OW. This, of course, is infidelity recovery 101, which he darn well knows. Well, did that sure open a can of worms! H and OW work at the same company but she is at an office 2 hours away. Originally I thought that they never worked together but it turns out that apparently they DO work together on occasion. Apparently they were both on a conference call together just a few weeks ago. A couple of months ago they worked on a little project together. I was SHOCKED to hear this. Truly, felt blindsided YET AGAIN.

I told H that this is all news to me and I’m not sure I can live with knowing he could be in contact with her at any time due to work, even if he is honest about it. I said I have to think about things but I may need him to find another job. He totally balked at this. Needless to say, things are NOT looking good. Once again, he is saying that he wants to reconcile and will do ‘whatever it takes’ (literally stated exactly this). But when it comes down to brass tacks he just will not put his money where his mouth is.

Fortunately I happened to have an appointment with my DBing coach just a few hours later. I told her I am starting to feel like I cannot stomach spending time with him anymore. Emotionally, it is just too devastating to hang out, have a fantastic time, have him SAY all the right things only to be let down again and again. This has happened now multiple times pretty much from d-day 4 months ago. So I’m planning to step away from H and send the letter below. HOWEVER, there is one wrinkle, prior to our discussion today H had invited me to a concert this weekend with him and his older son and older son’s fiance. DBing coach thought it might be worthwhile, if I feel comfortable, to table things for a few days and still go to the concert with H. THEN send him the letter below. That way he would (hopefully) be left with a positive memory of us having fun before I back away. I’m still trying to decide if I feel comfortable with this idea.

Here's the letter I'm planning to send to him:

“I’ve been thinking a lot about our conversation last Wednesday. It seems that you are still unwilling to prioritize our marriage and do what is needed to save and protect it. As you know, I have suffered tremendous pain through this whole ordeal. At this point I feel I need to take steps to protect my heart as much as possible from any more suffering.

As much as I will miss connecting and spending time with you I feel I now need to step back and keep a distance. If for some reason you feel I have misunderstood anything from our conversation please let me know. Otherwise going forward I will have to keep our interactions focused on the kids.”

Any thoughts/feedback much appreciated. I am mulling things over the next day or two. I’m starting to feel more and more like H is just never going to come fully around. It’s an awful feeling.