Trying to find my way

[Anders]

My husband (36) and I (34) have been together for 10 years and married for 4. We met online and lived in different countries. I was initially engaged to someone who was emotionally abusive. It took me a year to end that relationship, which was very hard on him. While dating we had long trips back and forth. When we were married, he moved here to be with me. He dropped the bomb almost four months ago. We’re in couples counseling now, and I have a long-term individual counselor too.

Welcome to DB Meghan. Your story is so eerily familiar from my own situation three years ago that I actually thought my W had made this post, trying to change a few details to stay anonymous.

The first main issue he brought up was the lack of sex. I haven’t really been interested in sex since we were married. He brought this up a few times over the years and feels that I wasn’t interested in fixing it. I’d approached my doctor many times, but was always told that it was stress (a birth control change recently helped things). This was something that I should have pushed harder to fix, but I suspect I was assuming he wouldn’t leave. He expanded on this a few days later and said that he felt like we didn’t have emotional intimacy and that everything I do is selfish and self-focused and that I like having him around to take care of me rather than to have him as a true partner. He therefore also doesn’t trust that any changes that I’ve made are about wanting him to be happy rather than just trying to save the marriage because I get something out of it and am afraid to lose him. Because of the lack of sex, emotional connection, and effort to fix things, he feels that I left the relationship years ago.

It sounds like he has really low self-esteem right now. Sexual rejection can be very demoralizing making us question our self worth. It sounds like physical touch is his primary love language which would really be a big blow to him. For men, this really does influence our emotional connection as well which can then cycle back to impact our physical attraction for our spouse.

From personal experience, this can be more so within the context of certain cultures and/or countries.

When I was at this stage, I did want sex...just not with W. I felt huge resentment towards her. I could not even bring myself to hold her hand let alone have sex with her. This despite the fact that one of my earlier concerns was that we were not having sex often enough and she admitted to not needing it as much. I say this to emphasize that even though this was a big issue for him it may not be a good idea to approach him for sex right now.

It’s also become clear that he feels like all he’s done is sacrifice and change since we were married in order to accommodate me. He moved here to be with me and is upset because he now doesn’t have a job or friends, is away from his family and the big city, put on weight, and feels worthless. I do agree that there are big sacrifices there, but he suggested we get married the same day that he found out he’d been laid off, couldn’t claim unemployment benefits, and realized he only had a month’s worth of expenses to live on. Until recently, in the four years he’s lived here he applied for 6 (I think) jobs and turned down – with a “blessing” that I wasn’t thrilled about giving – the two jobs he was offered. He also hasn’t really tried to make any friends.

Adapting to a new culture for immigrants can be a very difficult process. The transition can be very stressful and it sounds like he was away from his core support network.

Do you know why he turned down the two jobs?

Again, depending on the culture/country, his self esteem may have taken another big hit by being unemployed.

That being said, it is not your fault that he feels this way.

He also hasn’t really tried to make any friends.

Don't be offended by this question but is he really not making the effort to make friends or is it possible that your perception of his efforts may be limited and that he is finding this difficult as a relatively new immigrant?

The other issue is work, responsibility, and caretaking. Since our wedding, I’ve been focused first on finishing a grad degree and then on work and he feels that I haven’t held our marriage as a priority. I’d agree that I’ve been overly focused on my work – I’m the breadwinner, I don’t make a lot of money, and my job is precarious. This is one of my biggest anxiety triggers. Plus, since I have an anxiety disorder, there have been many times where he’s helped me with planning or sorting out work-related issues and he’s said he’s felt more like my assistant and therapist than my partner. I really do appreciate the help with dealing with work concerns – I’ve thanked him profusely for that over the years – and he’s been really good about taking care of me by giving lots of hugs, cuddles, and back rubs, which I adore and will admit that I haven’t always been so good about returning. But I’ve also been frustrated for a long time now because while he does more housework than he used to (some of his changes are doing a lot of the dishes, all of the laundry, cleaning the toilet and sinks, and baking), I do most of the rest myself. I’ve felt very overwhelmed and there is resentment (which I did tell him about) about how much I feel like I’m responsible for, which also probably hasn’t helped with sex or intimacy.

Another section which had me do a double take. Household chores and resentments around this were the hallmark of the early days of my W & I's situation. You mention thanking him but he didn't feel appreciated. You mention him giving you physical gestures of affection but growing resentment about him not doing enough to help you.

Have you read the 5 Love Languages?

From what you describe, it sounds like you each may have different ways of receiving and giving love. It sounds like physical touch &/or words of affirmation may be his primary love language and that yours may be acts of service.

Out of curiosity, did you help him with his job searches and applications?
And if so, how did he respond to this?

The 5L book and website may be a great resource to explore. I discovered this way after the fact but it has had such a radical impact on my thinking about marital issues that I have given a copy to every couple I know. There is a free quiz you can take to see what is your primary love language.

it’s not uncommon for him to stay up until 2 or 3 and then sleep in until 1 or 2 the next day.

Was this always the case or a pattern that has developed recently?

Overall, he feels like the last four years have been all about his sacrifices – moving here, no sex, no work, no friends, listening to my issues, taking care of me, taking on extra housework, and changing himself to meet my needs, and he’s deeply unhappy and not sure if he can get over the resentment. From my end, it feels like he blames me for everything – the sex, certainly, but also being here, having no friends or job, and generally putting his life on hold.

This sounds insane right now but I think you need to validate all of this for him. There is a great thread here on validating and how best to approach it.

From his perspective, this is what he is feeling right now. The basis of his feelings may be right or they could be wrong but rationalizing this with him may not do any good right now. There may come a time when this discussion may happen. I don't think it is now. You have a choice to make him wrong or to validate what he is feeling. This doesn't mean accepting the blame.

On top of all this, when he dropped the bomb, he told me that he’d been talking to someone online. They started talking in January, I think. He kept her a secret until he dropped the bomb, but now talks to her online a lot. She’s 18. I don’t think there’s anything deeply inappropriate going on anymore, but this was hard to see for a long time, particularly since the bomb dropping and first mention of her were the same conversation which also coincided with him starting to lose weight, apply for jobs, and spend more time away from me (all of which screamed EA). He said in counseling that she makes him feel worthwhile and that he needs someone on “his side” who supports him.

Validating may become a very valuable resource to include in your DB tool belt as well as the 5 Love Languages book. I don't think he is right in getting his needs met this way but it sounds like she is validating him, pumping up his self esteem and giving him the confidence to go back out. Putting this bluntly, she is making him feel like a man.

I’ve done a lot of things wrong in the three months before finding this site. I’m scared it’s too late to fix things.

As many wise people here have often said: We all make mistakes especially in this DB journey. Learn from these and don't beat yourself up. Be kind to yourself. And, it is never too late.

I’ve gotten upset a lot since then, though. I’ve asked what should be changed, and only got “I don’t know” as the answer.

This is most likely true. He may not know what he wants. You will need to be patient all the way through this.

We also argued when I pointed out that he wasn’t the only one making sacrifices. When he talked about going away for a week or two to visit family, I told him I was scared that he wouldn’t come back, which made him angry because I was focused on me and he felt guilty. I promised change, which I’ve been working on, but he said in counseling that he’s had a hard time seeing it because of the arguments.

Validate, validate, validate.

Despite being on both sides of this, it is still an ongoing lesson to let go of being defensive.

He’s started telling me about his online friend and asking if he can talk to her sometimes when we’re watching TV, and I’ve been saying yes and asking about her in a neutral way.

The vets can provide better perspective on this but I don't think this is the right approach to give him permission to continue with the EA.

When he asks to talk with me about something he’s working on, I listen a lot more carefully than I used to, always put down my computer or phone, and ask relevant questions. I’ve been a bit less frugal and paying for more treats without mentioning the budget. I think I’ve acted at least neutral if not supportive of his trip. When he complains about something, I validate his experience.

This is great! IMO though, don't create another issue by letting your financial situation slide.

I’ve started a new anxiety program with my IC. I’ve realized that I’ve been staying home a lot because he hasn’t been going out and I feel badly. Now I go out a lot more, see friends, and I’ve taken up some new activities and joined some new groups – yoga, running, cycling, group meditation, and gaming.

Getting a life is a core part of this journey. Don't loose yourself in the process of saving your marriage.

I think doing IC is a great idea. IMO, one thing to watch out for is not to carry resentment from this trying journey on to the other side. Make sure your IC is also pro-marriage, if this is your intent.

That said, we do still do some things together like we used to. I run with him when I’m home and I’ll go for a walk with him if he invites me. We still talk and joke around, eat dinner together, and watch TV in the evenings. I’m not sure if these are things that should be changed.

Sounds like you are on the right track but don't pursue him in the process. The DR book will explain this but keep doing the things which seem to be working. Stop those which are not.

I think I badly messed things up in counseling today, though. He was talking about his resentment about feeling like he was pulling the emotional weight and taking care of me and not getting a lot in return and how he doesn’t know if he can get past that, because everything I do feels forced now, and he doesn’t want to have to tell me what to do. I validated and agreed with his assessment, but when the counselor asked, I also pointed out that I felt like I was doing a lot in different ways – work, finances, and household things. H. got upset at that, and claimed that he’d tried to lighten my burden by applying for jobs and doing more housework. I made the point that neither of us felt like the one was doing enough in certain areas for the other. He was angry about that because they're not the same thing (which I agree with), and now he also feels like I made this all about me again, and that I’m only focused on my needs and trying to save the relationship only because I get something out of it.

This brings back some painful memories. MC allowed me to express a lot of things weighing on my mind. Unfortunately, W felt attacked in those sessions. Today W says she doesn't trust MC because she felt C and I ganged up on her. IMO, the key is working with an experienced, pro-marriage MC. IC also helped me to see W's side of the situation albeit when she became the WAW.

When Mrs. DB2013 tried to rationalize with her WAH (aka me) about how we were BOTH at fault, this only confirmed for me she didn't really care what I thought or said and absolving herself of any blame.

When I tried to rationalize with my WAW about how we BOTH had issues and had the opportunity to work on these together, she said I never listened to her and here I was proving her point yet again.

IMO, rationalizing won't do any good right now.

I guess I’m not sure what else I should be working on or doing now. I’m certainly going to keep up with the 180s and GAL.

You are on the right track here.

He’s going to visit family in a week, which will overlap with his birthday. He said in counseling that it might make him miss me, or that it might clarify the alternatives (which I took to mean ending the relationship). As a result, I’m feeling really, really terrified, particularly after today’s counseling session, that he will feel that life away from me is better because he sees me as the source of many if not all of his problems and hasn’t seen much change yet.

It is okay to feel scared. Don't let this dictate your decisions though. Easier said than done, especially from the outside. Right now it feels like if you do nothing, you will loose everything. Detaching from any expectations will help you tremendously with this. In other words, letting go of trying to influence and control the outcome but not giving up on him or your marriage.

I wish I had more time to show him changes before he leaves, or that I’d started them sooner, and I’m not sure what I should be saying or doing in the meantime, particularly in light of today’s screw up. Any suggestions about handling either the trip specifically or the situation in general would be most appreciated.

These are words of advice given several times over on this forum: the changes are not for him, they are for you. Don't make these changes with the primary intention of making him stay. He will see through these.

Be wary about building up resentment. Make sure you look after yourself.

Be supportive of him and honor desire for this trip as best you can. It sounds like he really needs to reconnect with his family and for him, to find a 'safe' space. Don't give in to the temptation to get his family to talk some sense into him. Give him this gift.