Rebuilding myself from the ground- up

[AJM]

I got a good look at OW and OMG ????? She is not someone I would associate with.. I can' t believe XH is attracted to her...
I also got to see XH when they turned around in the street.. He looks like crap.. I feel sorry for him. It hurt to see him like this..
D14 said: " mom, dad smelled really bad and it is stuck in my nose."
Me: What do you mean? like cologne??
D14: no, he stinks.
Me: He looked like crap
D14: They both look like druggies..

But one thing I had to think about was how I would handle this. I tried to change myself for him, I tried to stand by him even " monster ". I tried to be reliable for him. I was destroying myself , my values and my principals. I was going against myself, becoming someone I didn' t respect. I saw myself as patathic and weak. How could I accept the unacceptable. How could I stand by someone who lies, takes advantage of others, disrespect everyone, steal, betray and much much more. It wasn' t right.. HE made those choices all by himself, not me. I was becoming like him. abusing him verbally, disrespecting him, wanting him back then push him away because of his betrail.

I'm very glad you're able to see that and that you didn't like that about you. It would be worse if you stayed that way, no?

ALL this in search of HAPPINESS ????? And, in the process made everything worst then what it was when we were a whole family..

Be careful here. Your idea and his former idea of happiness may not be the same. I'm not saying he's happy living like that, but it's an exercise in futility to put your values on him. Just be careful with that, no?

Is it a sickness or is it a result? Good questions. I've often wondered myself which came first in my own situation. To be honest, I don't know that it matters. It is what it is regardless of the reason why. But like you, my ex looks horrible. Her H is a train-wreck that gets really upset if he starts to lose control. I can tell because he lashes out at me

I'm sure it's hard to get off the "woe is me - it's everyone else's fault" train. Heck, it was hard getting off the crazy train for me, and I'm not the one that blames her. I realized a long time ago that the kids and I have it bad, but it's far far worse for my ex. My only hope in that regard is that she doesn't finish her life that way. I'll never know, but it's my hope for her.

From what I saw, it started with pressure and continued with her looking for a reason she felt the way she did. ILYBINILWY speech to blaming me and everything in between. Did it start with her being depressed and then making the decision to have somebody else fill that void? Cheating, drinking, etc? Or something else.

For my money, it started with her and became the rest. Right down to smelling different etc. A complete change.

But although I often said that if she wanted to go she'd have to club me like a baby seal, I don't regret my actions. To all those people that tried to tell me to "move on" ? I thank them for caring. I appreciate that. But I'll do what I will do on my own time and nobody will make me do differently. It's my life.

I didn't ask for what happened. But I'm not sorry for my actions. I have no regrets and I left nothing on the table, trying to save our relationship, family and marriage. Nothing. For that, I am grateful because it helps me heal. It helps me see that it wasn't about me. No matter the accusations (and there have been many over the past few years), it's far easier to see and to live with myself. It's the base of who I am. I tried. I didn't walk away. I didn't wait too long. I didn't leave too early. But when it was time to leave, I chose to do exactly that. Even though she was already "gone" and remarried, she wasn't done. I was. And I chose that path and I'm happy I did.

I don't have to look back and wonder what if? That's invaluable to me.

I'm glad to see that you got a good look at him and his OW now. I think that's something that helps many of us put to rest the idea that they traded up. They rarely, if ever, do in these situations. It's not really possible, although I wish it was for the sake of my kids.

In the end, they go their way in search of "happiness" whatever that means to them. I don't think they know. I think they know they are missing it, but not what it means or how to get it. So they listen to friends, family, the media or anyone that seems confident in their life. That rarely ends well.

Peace,
AJ