To answer your question, I did have thought of leaving all and I mean ALL behind.. I wished I had an accident but I did not want to cause the accident. Then, I thought of escaping with money and clothes.. Then I started thinking about my kids.. Each of them individually and what I would be putting them through if I went ahead with my crazy ideas. I CRIED AND CRIED AND started seeing what their lives would have been like. OMG !! IT WAS AWFUL !! It opened my eyes and made me take charge again. I needed to get healthy and fast for myself and them. It was a step forward in my journey. Suicide was never in my mind. Fight or flight would describe my feelings. Anger towards XH was also in mind. For me to run would have shown him what my life was like and would have been a sweet revenge of having him stuck to deal with it all.. It wasn' t a smart move and definitely was not a solution because I would have destroyed my kids.
I set a goal for myself to return to whom I used to be. Devoted, dedicated, kind, organized, dependable.... Day after day, I rise higher and higher and I am soo proud of myself.
The worst is over for me. The battle I have now is 3 teenagers and an 11 yrs old.. lol Hard but imo, a piece of cake compared to 5 yrs ago ( BD ) lol
