Betsey, let's have drinks! I don't really drink but that's a fantastic idea. How far are you from San Diego?
I look forward to the "better" part. I know that the only way out is through and I've accepted that and committed to it. This is a first for me and it has been a roller coaster--the kind you wanna get off of. I have always walked away and moved on. So enduring all his shenanigans and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde transformation has...there are no words good enough to describe it.
I want out...I want out so bad but God is telling me to hang on. So I wait realizing that there could be no happy ending and I'm okay with that. I'm still here on faith because I know that no matter how hopeless my situation is God's plans are better than my dreams. If I could see into the future and confirm that there would be no happy ending then I would skip town. But, that would defeat the purpose of having faith and hope now wouldn't it? In my mind if he's happier somewhere else then let him be. I'm not one to try and convince another person a different point of view because I know they won't see it until they're ready to. I would know because I've been there.
He texted the other day asking how the camping trip went.
H: How was camping?
M: It was fantastic! The weather, food, and company were amazing. I definitely came home with a layer or two of dirt. Four days is definitely enough to go without a shower.
H: Glad you had a good time.
I dropped off the convo because I had already sent him an email earlier that afternoon. I sent him a picture of my favorite road trip food that can only be found on the west coast. And then I asked how his 4th of July weekend was and what he did to celebrate. He responded to the picture but did not answer any of my questions. More of his passive aggressive crap--it ticked me off. So many negative thoughts ran through my mind. It was hard to replace them with positive thoughts because I knew he was withholding on purpose. It was so petty and I can't stand pettiness in a man nor passivity.
I have enjoyed visiting old hang outs and sightseeing in San Diego. I've committed to getting out and trying different places to run at in the morning. This has helped alleviate the dismal state I'm in each morning. But then I remember "oh I'm married and my H [censored]. Man, why am I putting up with this?"
You may be right about his having more issues then meets the eye. He keeps all that stuff hidden and it's not that I haven't asked because I have but I can only believe what I've been told. During our counseling session he did reference a previous relationship which included fraudulent identity--on the girl. I've gathered bits and pieces of what he's told me but I didn't think anything of it since it happened before me and he didn't seem to exhibit any unusually odd trust issues. As a matter of fact he acted quite removed from it and has always been confident. I'm the one who openly shares my trust issues.
