Oh my, Sarah. I hear myself a year ago in all your words! To me that was the thing that I just couldn't understand, how does someone just throw away so many years, hurt so many people and not even try? My W would say things like "I have tried" but couldn't answer just WHAT she tried doing! I felt all the things you are now and when she went from maybe just separating to "I have already filed because my dad talked me into it and is paying for it", in less than a week, they all came right back again.
My W says that she will be a better mother after a D because she will be 'happy". She has always said that for her, to be happy, she does what happy people do, while I was the type of person who was "old fashioned" and I think to be happy I have to do the things that will make me happy. When I asked her how many people does she know that left a 20 year marriage and were "happy" because they did? She couldn't answer that either!
They aren't thinking at all! They feel like this will work and it's what they want so they are determined to do it. The more logic you use to try and get them to see what they are doing is just wrong on so many levels, the harder they dig in their heels and keep moving forward! My w had gone through a horrible D when she was 10 years old. She saw all the pain and hurt it caused everyone and always swore she would NEVER do that to the people she loved. Now, she has found all sorts of crazy ways to justify her actions. This is also why they NEED to blame us, to find things about us that we did "wrong". It makes it easier to justify their bad choices.
Believe me, I know it's hard but you must get past these feelings. I still sometimes feel them but I try to just remember that they aren't in their right mind. They aren't thinking clearly (hence the MLC "fog") so they just don't see the truth. The anger and pain do hold us back. I have been dealing with new found anger lately as well. Every time I deal with my W now it seems like she says or does something new and I fight with the anger. All this is why MLC D is so much harder and so different than "normal" D. They truly can't think normally (as evidenced by so many doing the very things they have said all their life they would NEVER do!) they can't see how they are hurting other's as all they can think about is them!
We all hate MLC, that is for certain! It's learning how to keep ourselves sane as we are put through the ringer by the MLCer that will decide if we make it through or allow ourselves to be swallowed up by the hurt, pain and anger. You will get through this. Know that you are in charge of your future even while the WAS is making decisions that affect us so much. Taking back the control by not allowing them to get to us is a big step!
