I had alot of sleep last nite- and i have no past today. I am going to have the best day today that i can.
I thank you guys for looking at what i thought/felt and not just saying what a big baby - but offering your insights.
you guys are so wise - when i get like thAt - This morning i feel a little shabby for not having more gratitude for the good stuff and ashamed of letting the bad stuff get soooo big it swallows me up.
objectively- (physically ) my life is great. I can have all the time in the world to do whatever i like, stomach full - bills paid, cute house, - any kind of possession i want i have- - - some $$ in the bank- and so on - ACCORDING TO OUR societal standards - i should be feelin like i'm in heaven - right.
funny thing is- without the emotional side of my life being in order - That all is not worth so much - is it? that's my big big realization in this db thing. it amazes me to think it is all nothing if you have big "troubles".
it is humbling - and i am thankful for the good, honest i am.
I'm thankful that you guys can look at my "junk" and understand and leave me feeling like - "okay, so today a dip in the road - tomorrow will be back "up" . no big deal.... i remember now- ups and downs - don't freak out.
I think it's the strict "keeping control" allllll the time in life- always always always stopping myself before i say something i can't retract - or that would hurt someone - "rising above" it all, "doing what i should" , being a "good girl", etc - that darn little voice is a hard task master - and so on.
When i get like yesterday - I feel like I need to make it "the end" - don't want to- but might just go bizerk and do anything rather than NOTHING. (impatience to a deadly degree) did you ever feel like - afraid to go to the edge of the cliff you'r standing on, or edge of whatever becasue inside you have one little fear you might jump off ? (if there is nothing between you and "down")? i've felt it since childhood- do not know what the heck that is - i sure never feel like dying- but i recognize it. it's sickening. it is that thing on the phone sometimes.
i feltl it's allll soooo fruitless - a stupid phone convo- instead of a "reallife". it's not good and it's not "enough" for me. except- it suits his current lifestyle - and i'm stuck at the moment in life. this dbing is going to save me or kill me - no kidding. i've dug deeper for patience than ever before in my entire life-
mom's last bunch of years & all that worry & sadness & the anger and current fights of my sisters - everyone being at each other's throats. i just want to not know about it all. i thought once she died alllllllllll the bs would die with that awful sitch- what a fool i was! can't even mourn properly with these sisters still bashing the poor woman- nothing is "enough" for them. it's sad and depressing. (expectations, entitlement, greeeed??)
i need to STEP BACK BIG TIME AND LET THESE WOMEN have their lives and i feel badly to not have more sympathy for their respective plights- but i keep reminding self they'll all get a big ole gob of cash that is more than they ever saved or would save in life- so it's a chance to somehow have a bit of a "new beginning" and they need to feel gratitude instead of greed and anger. (who are these people? who actually gets word they'll get a big old inheritance and says it should be more???) i can't get over it- ever...
right? Okay- i'm getting out of here- before i open this can of worms when i'm feeling pleasant and upbeat.
today right? have the best day one can and no past and no future....
enjoy the knowledge i did one long hard job to a "successful" conclusion - kept mom home (she began "failing 2008 when Linda died) it's been a long long road. - she died in her own little room in her own little bed with her kids around her- never crashed her car - never got loaded up with drugs that would not have "saved" her - i did keep her having her life til the last possible moment (despite everyone in world's constant ADVICE ABOUT how to do it differently, better, etc.) - she never reached the time when she wanted to live somewhere else or have someone live with her- so she always had the choice - and was happy at her own kitchen table -
i think i can, i think i can...(little engine that could)
I have come so far (i think) from the beginning. hardest things i've ever lived thru and remained on course. i just flag now or then-
I do overthink things - the more i'm by myself- the bigger a hole i dig myself into. i know you guys are right and i neeed to not even allow h the "power" to jank me up.
It is myself. it is a bit of guilt about thinking i need to be a "hard@ss" more in life. not to have power- just because i hear myself say i feel trapped - in my role- and i realize it's a role i've perpetuated from just being some guy in a big family and it was my "job" - getting along, sharing-keeping everyone happy & in between mom and everyone. i need to let that go with my mom- duty done - can't "make anyone happy" - can't even make self happy- we all have our own journey-
thanks for the help along mine-
i'm, outta here- garden calls - as usual- big plans for the day & allllllll i'm going to accomplish *(not) but wtf...
