Wow AJ, can you tell me more about how this ex husband changed? Enough to where she will actually enjoy his company, after he married the other woman? OMG I feel for this woman!
I have to say there is a certain type of "dirty" or unclean feeling I have talking to my ex and the acceptance of him and OW. Not quite sure if you remember my exact sitch, but it was quite the Jerry Springer drama!
OW's soon to be ex husband shot my now XH in the head for the affair they had! Then Ow's soon to be EX tried to shoot himself, but lived and did horrible damage to his face. He will be released from prison next year sometime.
All the while EXh denied any affair between the two, continuted to cool down their affair for the next few years, then started up with her again, and then married her.
I don't know if OW's EX knows that she has now married my Ex H. Im very concerned that he will retaliate once again. I just pray it's not on a weekend my 11 year old is there.
I know those two created that mess themselves, but I feel so dirty just thinking about it!
What is it that makes you feel 'dirty' about it? You didn't make those choices for him. You didn't drive him to do it.
As for my friend? They talked almost every day regarding the kids. I suspect he married the OW to "get at" my friend. His way of expressing anger. And there was drinking of course.
He self-imploded and took out whatever was near him. It was ugly to say the least.
This is many years later, but he wanted her back for a long time and it seems to have ruined his marriage to OW. He changed his behavior. They were married for 20 years or so (seems common, no?) I won't say that my friend doesn't have a smidgen of satisfaction from that, but I don't think she likes to see him suffer either. It's not like that. They were able to forge a friendship because he changed. That doesn't always happen, right?
I hear you though. Remember, I don't talk to my ex. I communicate with her regarding matters that need attention, but that's about it. She tries to cause drama, get attention, accuse me of things (even now?) etc. I stopped responding to that years ago. But sometimes, it feels like she wants to have a conversation of some sort. Like she wants to maintain a connection. To me, it's an abusive connection where she gets to feed her anger (and her husbands - who knows why he's angry but that's another story.) It's almost as if she uses her anger at me to control him sometimes. But I'm only guessing. I really don't pay much attention. It's just craziness and I don't have time for that.
Don't get me wrong. I'm aware that we have unfinished business. It may remain unfinished until one of us is six feet under. But looking around I'm not blind to how relationships work. I'm not blind to unfinished business and I do recognize that my ex lost her mind during the time she was leaving. I'm not blind to her doing what she can to put herself back together and go on with her life. I get it. I wish her the best. But I'm not willing to be a part of it at the cost of me. Kind of like when I date people - I'm not willing to accept some things and so I wish them well and move along. It's just what works for me, ya know?
You don't have to worry about seeing or talking to your ex, Kimmerz. If he really wanted to, he'd find a way to reach out to you and talk. He may never do that and you know that. Even if he did, you may not want to talk to him at the time. There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, it may be healthier that way, right?
The more important part is how you deal with your new relationships. How you bring forward what you've learned about you, about relationships, about life in general. How YOU live your life.
The rest can take care of itself.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Well Aj, maybe it's me and a touch of being snooty!
Though I realize those two made those choices, well it all seems so sleazy! Not to boot he's proud of it! He saw an old friend of mine and mentioned he had a "girlfriend" . This was about a year ago. She asked him who and he said " remember the guy that shot me in the face? It's his ex wife!"
All I can think of is some sort of sick and twisted cerebral narcissism on that one. Whatever.
Actually, Ex Husband had been what I feel was "pursuing" a friendship with me this past year. When I started to talk to him in person I felt icky afterward. I felt he would make up silly excuses to talk to me, like being confused on schedules of visits when he and I had just recently clarified it.
However after he was so insensitive to D14 and how he broke the news he got married, I was dead DONE. He tried one last time after that to act stupid about drop off pick up in re: to D11. I just flat out told him that it was now between he and D11 unless it's a special Holiday, which he and I MAY have to communicate. Other than that Im staying out of it, and staying out of the drama between he and D14.
He has left me alone since, which I am very grateful for. I have absolutely no desire to talk to him or even see him again. If it's something important, I do respect the fact he needs to be notified, but there's absolutely no point in us speaking. Of course if one of the girls became very ill or injured, yes I would alert him.
I find your ex's behavior quite baffling!Im sorry AJ, I don't quite remember how your sitch started, but I do recall you saying her behavior is bizarre and she's hard to deal with, therefore you keep your distance. Can you give me a thread to refresh my memory, or a quick summary? Only if you wand to AJ, no worries if you don't want to.
You know, now that I think about it, I feel the same way you do. I just needed a little time for it to resurface. I don't want to be involved in other people's BS as the cost of me! Im the first one to be understanding, flexible, and compassionate, but after a while.....if it's clear there are some things that just are TOO
If they're "too" dysfunctional, then it is time to wish them well and move on!
Which that is what I've done with X husband and now X boyfriend. I feel sad because I know he's hurt over this. But at the same time he literally can't grasp why I would be upset at some of the most insensitive, harsh, demanding, and self absorbed comments he would make to me! You know some of the stuff he would say to me was so off the wall, I had to laugh!
I was thinking about your thread and I had these great thoughts today while I was doing the dishes! Now, I'm not sure I remember.
Something like...
I'm not sure I trust my "chemistry" anymore. You mentioned how you wondered if people could change...well, what if we are just picking the wrong people.
Because of some deep, unmet childhood need, we choose people who are emotionally unavailable/unstable/abusive/etc...So, we choose wrong to begin with and, then, expect them to change.
I'm wondering if I need to refine my "chemistry" radar and try to develop relationships with people who maybe don't set off a spark initially. ??? Maybe look for people who I wouldn't normally fall for...revise my attraction antennae, so to speak.
I want a calm, go-with-the-flow type person who is easy-going and doesn't spend all his time focused on my behavior. I want someone comfortable in his own skin and able to laugh at life. No control freaks/substance abusers/emotionally distant guys need apply.
Crazy thing is...I think if a safe guy came along, I probably wouldn't feel an initial attraction.
Destined to be alone? IDK.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Crazy thing is...I think if a safe guy came along, I probably wouldn't feel an initial attraction.
That is the problem with emotional dysfunction - normal peole can be perceived as boring or unattractive. At some level may damaged people want drama, or to rescue and save. That is why being alone is so important. When you can 'be' and dwell alone, then you are more likely to make good choices.
If we go on feeling that we are incomplete without another person, we do not not learn to love our solitary state. Another person can bring joy, but they do not complete us. There is a big difference here
I too have wondered why on earth I chose to walk forward with this man even though the red flags were there from the beginning.
I remember telling myself " continue to move forward, but with caution". And I did just that.
You know guys, just because we pick someone with flaws that eventually become too intense and not healthy to be around doesn't mean there's anything wrong with us!
For starters, we are compassionate people that give people the benefit of the doubt. And sometimes these people wear very good masks, and keep them on a very long time before the true person is revealed.
The only thing I can think of, is to accept who WE ARE and what WE WILL FALL FOR in a man. And make a mantra of what WE WILL ACCEPT IN A MAN. There's a big difference if you think about it! And then educate ourselves in signs of how these men with these traits could have some serious things going on that could cause strife down the road.
Like for me, I read up on how to avoid narcissists, and mental abusers during divorce, during boyfriend, and still after! But given this was my first real long term relationship after a 20 year marriage... well Im still pretty green! It's a learning process, and the only way we learn is to make mistakes. People can still have some serious traits or quirks and end up being good people!
I just thank heaven for that book I ended up with from Lundy Bancroft! It's so detailed in how these men can seem so right on one hand then completely nutts on the other.
And that's what really confused me about boyfriend and still does! He's what's called a " well adjusted abuser". He's been to therapy, he's very intelligent, and when he's not in his "mood" is as down to earth, loving, compassionate, funny, and makes all the sense in the world. Then at the drop of a dime, can literally take a grain of sand and twist it into a dozen different directions of how I was mean, and insensitive to him! All the sudden he's a victim, and I literally have no idea what the hell he's talking about!
MLCer's do that too! We have to stop letting these people braid our brain waves!!! LOL.
Im still sad, for the good part in him that I can't have anymore because the horrible ugly side comes right with it. Im sad for him because there literally is something very wrong and twisted in his brain. Im sad that he's aware he does this but is so hung up on the control he won't let it go and continues to have failed relationships. But there literally isn't anything I can do to change that!
Im praying for him daily. Honestly xboyfriend needs all the prayer he can get.
Careful Heather, you are starting to sound like an MLCer there......:) Our relationships with our S's all started the same way. There was "I kind of like this person but I'm not sure why" and that lead to "I'm really starting to like being with this person". Which lead to "I want to spend the rest of my life with this person!".
That "ugly, boring" guy, after you get to know them, may just turn out to be someone that you start to think "Why didn't I notice this guy before?". When I met my wife, she was totally different then all the other women I had dated. I couldn't understand what the attraction was at first. But as time went on I noticed that I enjoyed being with her more and more. That lasted 20 years and it took HER becoming a totally different person to end it.
"I just don't feel that attraction for you anymore" was what my W said on B-day. It's a variation of ILYBNILWY. While you may not feel that "spark" right away with a certain person, it doesn't mean that as you get to know that person and you see how well they treat you and how they handle themselves and what life throws at them, a lasting "spark" that never goes out may just be waiting there!
I don't know, I seem to be in a romantic mood this morning!!
Sooooo, are we doomed to be with people we feel little to no attraction for??? Ick.
Ummmm that isn't what I was trying to say at all. Simply that when we are recovering from dysfunction and abuse, the people we find attractive tend to be that way too. As we become more whole we find and attract less dysfunctional people.
