Hi I'm new, I hope I won't be a burden... prt 3

[MrBond]

Still around?

[1Wish]

Still around?

still around my friend.

I havr fully detached since i left.. avoided a lot of calls because ive been busy at the gym and saw old friends.

She got upset and kept wanting me to call her.. i thought about her giving her number to that [censored] guy.. started re-evaluating things.

Kept myself happy and gym really helped.. she invited me to dinner this weekend and put a lot of effort in making me dinner.. she was dressed up as well. She wants it to work and has done a full 180.. said she missed me and all the times she said she wanted to be her own person.. wanted to be alone was because she was angry and just said it.

I dont know if i want to go back.. im here now but leaving tomorrow and she says ill probz b back home by next week.

She was crying and apologising for putting me through all this and she doesnt want to loose me.

I told her i would like to do everything properly this time round and it will take me a ling time to trust her again.

I want to do it right so this doesnt happen again. Any tips? Am i on the piecing stage now?

I love you mrbond youve been a great help.

Space really helped and moving out. Cant stress that enough.. she even said that when she reflected back she couldnt believe how she was treating me.

[Barrybran]

So you go missing for a few days, you've fully detached and come back to tell us everything your wife thinks she's done wrong. Let me highlight again the work that is involved in turning things around. I've been at this for 8 months and counting. MrBond was at it for over three years and I'm sure he'll tell you he's working all the time. One week does not turn a relationship around nor does it make everything alright.

On the plus side, you've seen what space can do both for yourself and your relationship. Let me be clear on this: YOU MUST GIVE YOUR WIFE SPACE. Not just now but if/when you get back together. Do you intend to live apart for the rest of your lives? Of course not. So how do you give your wife space while living together? By getting a life; by getting out of her face; by not stalking her by phone. You've had a small taste of what could be by applying the rules (finally). Guess what? This is just the beginning.

Now, your wife has some work to do to. The bad news is that YOU CAN NOT CONTROL HER so please don't try to. You can do two things though: 1) do your own work: control yourself, your thoughts and your behaviour; and 2) figure out what YOU want and need from a healthy relationship.

You are not piecing. Not even close. You may be able to move back in soon but you'd be a fool to do so. As Cadet says, you've been given the gift of time so use it wisely. Use this time apart to build a strong foundation with your wife through friendship. Listen to and understand what she says. Use your alone time to better yourself, to find yourself, to figure out who you are, what you value, what you need and want and what you can offer, not only to your wife but to your family, friends, work colleagues, etc.

If you want to make sure it doesn't happen again, you will do the work and stop trying to find shortcuts.

[unbidden]

Wow, I think Barry's comments were harsh and out of line. I think you're right to want to tread carefully and make sure you don't short circuit forward progress but in no way do i see you trying to take shortcuts and I do think that you're on the threshold of piecing. I think you should sit down and talk with your W about expectations and perhaps some MC to make sure that what happened in the past won't get repeated. But you're on a great path. Inward and upward

[MrBond]

"I havr fully detached since i left.. avoided a lot of calls because ive been busy at the gym and saw old friends."

That's not really what you're supposed to be doing. You are supposed to be working on yourself and maturing in terms of what makes a good relationship. Or did that long post that 25yearsmlc made not make any sense to you.

"She got upset and kept wanting me to call her.. i thought about her giving her number to that [censored] guy.. started re-evaluating things."

This shows you haven't learned anything. That guy was her friend. You are the only one who kept getting jealous. That is is something I notice you haven't worked at fixing.

"Kept myself happy and gym really helped.. she invited me to dinner this weekend and put a lot of effort in making me dinner.. she was dressed up as well. She wants it to work and has done a full 180.. said she missed me and all the times she said she wanted to be her own person.. wanted to be alone was because she was angry and just said it.

I dont know if i want to go back.. im here now but leaving tomorrow and she says ill probz b back home by next week."

Wow you're the man. NOT. That feeling she's having will wear off because deep down you haven't changed.

Hey but let's face it. You're having fun now right? Being your own man with no responsibilities. Why not go out and get a girlfriend? I mean if you're not going to go back and change, you might as well go and file the divorce for yourself.

What are you waiting for?

"I told her i would like to do everything properly this time round and it will take me a ling time to trust her again."

Really? She is the one who needs to trust you. You were the one who messed up remember? You'd be lucky for her to take you back.

"I want to do it right so this doesnt happen again. Any tips? Am i on the piecing stage now?"

No you are not in Piecing. The only way that this wont' happen again is if you actually change. So far we haven't heard anything to show that.

"I love you mrbond youve been a great help."

Thanks but I don't know why. You haven't followed what I've been saying. Start growing up and you'll become a better man. The type of man you want to be and the type of man that she wants to be with. May sound harsh, but what you're seeing will change. I've seen it time and time again. The ones that make it through are the ones that change for the better.

[1Wish]

I have changed in terms of appreciation and i never question her anymore.. i try to be as friendly as possible and enjoy the time with her. Im just trying to be happy and trying to extend my happiness onto my wife.

reason i say i dont know if i want to stay is because i feel really hurt and betrayed by her speaking to that son of a b-itch. She spoke to him for 6 months. Yeah they were friends but behind my back? If that was me she would have accused me of cheating and probably stabbed me.

Ive been meditating at my mums and to be honest ive felt so happy. I havnt been this happy for awhile.

Ive started to write songs again that i havnt done in awhile.

Joined yoga class to help with breathing exercises at my gym.

been going gym during lunch everyday and pumping them irons. Oh boy it feels so good and again at night but for cardio.

dont want to stop going gym to be honest.

re read divorce busting again.

I want it to work but i dont want this pain anymore. I feel disrespected and at the same time guilty for neglecting her.

i love her and want it to work so ill keep trying.

i did listen to you mrbond i always stated the wrong things i did so you guys can advise me on the the worst things i did.

i hardly mentioned the good things i did. I shouldve kept a journal as the book says. Oh well.

i want to build a solid foundation. Shes going counselling every wednesday and said shes going so she will never ask for a divorce again or put me through that.

[MrBond]

"reason i say i dont know if i want to stay is because i feel really hurt and betrayed by her speaking to that son of a b-itch. She spoke to him for 6 months. Yeah they were friends but behind my back? If that was me she would have accused me of cheating and probably stabbed me."

Still haven't learned have you? She felt safe talking to him about her M problems because you didn't want to listen. She needed that. In fact, she was afraid at how you would react if you found out, so kept it hidden from you. She was right. Look at how you overreacted and STILL act towards him even though he tried helping you too. If you're looking at calling him an SOB, look in the mirror.

"I want it to work but i dont want this pain anymore. I feel disrespected and at the same time guilty for neglecting her."

That's why you need help. You don't want the pain? Sorry, that's a consequence of YOUR actions.

"i want to build a solid foundation. Shes going counselling every wednesday and said shes going so she will never ask for a divorce again or put me through that."

I seriously think that you need to go to C yourself and learn how to communicate better with your W. That's what YOU need to work on.

[1Wish]

"reason i say i dont know if i want to stay is because i feel really hurt and betrayed by her speaking to that son of a b-itch. She spoke to him for 6 months. Yeah they were friends but behind my back? If that was me she would have accused me of cheating and probably stabbed me."

Still haven't learned have you? She felt safe talking to him about her M problems because you didn't want to listen. She needed that. In fact, she was afraid at how you would react if you found out, so kept it hidden from you. She was right. Look at how you overreacted and STILL act towards him even though he tried helping you too. If you're looking at calling him an SOB, look in the mirror.

"I want it to work but i dont want this pain anymore. I feel disrespected and at the same time guilty for neglecting her."

That's why you need help. You don't want the pain? Sorry, that's a consequence of YOUR actions.

"i want to build a solid foundation. Shes going counselling every wednesday and said shes going so she will never ask for a divorce again or put me through that."

I seriously think that you need to go to C yourself and learn how to communicate better with your W. That's what YOU need to work on.

your definitely right about counselling i'm going to have to find one theres a lot and heard that sometimes you need to go through a few to find the right one.

Also she asked me to move back home.. going back on saturday. Shes become so loving again unbelievable.

[MrBond]

"Also she asked me to move back home.. going back on saturday. Shes become so loving again unbelievable."

I will tell you right now that his IS A TERRIBLE IDEA. Neither you nor her have actually changed any of the things that caused you to get into this position in the first place. ESPECIALLY since you made that comment about her male friend. You haven't grown up AT ALL.

PLUS you haven't even gone to counseling to fix yourself. All I've seen is lip service and no real action. Going to the gym is fine, but you don't get it that it won't help your situation. All that is, is an escape for you away from your real problems.

If you are still intending to go back, you REALLY need to talk to your W and lay down some ground rules for you and her. First and most important is that BOTH of you need to go and seek individual counseling. Then when that has worked out, you can go to MC.

Have you stopped being judgemental? Have you accepted the fact that she can have male friends and can go out if she wants to? Have you decided to grow up and help her rather than play video games all day or go to the gym? I don't think so.

I've seen too many situations on here where people think that just because their spouse wants them back, that they can just let their "changes" slide. And I put the word 'changes' in quotes, because I think all of yours have been superficial.

You still don't get it. So are you going to be a man or continue to be a boy?

[1Wish]

"Also she asked me to move back home.. going back on saturday. Shes become so loving again unbelievable."

I will tell you right now that his IS A TERRIBLE IDEA. Neither you nor her have actually changed any of the things that caused you to get into this position in the first place. ESPECIALLY since you made that comment about her male friend. You haven't grown up AT ALL.

PLUS you haven't even gone to counseling to fix yourself. All I've seen is lip service and no real action. Going to the gym is fine, but you don't get it that it won't help your situation. All that is, is an escape for you away from your real problems.

If you are still intending to go back, you REALLY need to talk to your W and lay down some ground rules for you and her. First and most important is that BOTH of you need to go and seek individual counseling. Then when that has worked out, you can go to MC.

Have you stopped being judgemental? Have you accepted the fact that she can have male friends and can go out if she wants to? Have you decided to grow up and help her rather than play video games all day or go to the gym? I don't think so.

I've seen too many situations on here where people think that just because their spouse wants them back, that they can just let their "changes" slide. And I put the word 'changes' in quotes, because I think all of yours have been superficial.

You still don't get it. So are you going to be a man or continue to be a boy?

She really wants me back and shes ill atm.

I do help her around the house to be fair.

I have stopped being judgemental and she said herself she will never speak to another guy again and how wrong it was.

I personally dont have a problem her speaking to guys however, as long as ive met them aandspoken to them.