KGirl - post-move

[KGirl]

Thanks, labug I'm trying. I don't feel a huge difference, but then again I don't know that there are that drastic of things I felt I needed to change for ME (as opposed to things H didn't like that I'd change just for him). For example, he wanted me to trust him more. I don't really think he's given any more reason to trust him right now, so I don't really feel I need to become more "trusting" just to try to appease him. I know I need to con't to think about controlling things - when I was pondering dating other people the first thought that crossed my mind was "but I won't know what they've been up to or who they've been up with before they met me! I don't like it!" I think that uncomfortable-ness with knowing people may have big chunks of their lives that I'm not privy to or not a part of reflects a desire that I still have to control people/things, so I need to keep thinking about that and practice being OK without having to know every detail of what someone has done or is doing.

In my job I talk a LOT with my students about things like taking things one day at a time, not knowing how they might feel a few months or a year from now about something, that no decisions need to be made today, etc. For example, I worked with an incoming college freshman today who said "I was thinking about taking the next math class, but I don't know if I have room in four years to double major in biology AND math, so I probably shouldn't bother taking the math class if I won't be able to do that major." To which my response was, "What would be the harm in taking one class and seeing how you like it, and then deciding? It's really hard to know how things will go over the next four years. You could love it and only want to major in math. Or hate it, and then at least you could make a decision. Or we could certainly discuss a plan later to do both majors - but let's start with what you'd like to do this FIRST semester." I think I need to do better at actually taking my own advice to heart in my own life!

A general update: it's been a month now since I've moved. I feel at peace with that decision even though according to most people on this board, I shouldn't have left. I wasn't happy living with him and I couldn't really make him leave if ultimately he'll end up in the house and I won't, so it is what it is. I feel much better being able to decorate, do what I want, etc., without feeling like it's a waste of time because I might be leaving. I have not seen or talked on the phone to H since I left. We've texted and emailed some about logistics (bills, him repaying me for the furniture I had to buy, things I left at the house he found that I need to go pick up sometime, etc.) I've only initiated outreach re: logistics and finances. He has reached out twice for things I'd deem unnecessary - once to send me a picture of some patio chairs with the caption "thought you'd like the color of these," and then to wish me a good time while I was in Vegas. I don't expect much from any of that, but it's curious. Otherwise it's been pretty silent. I am curious about what he's up to and what he's working on but it's much easier to not get obsessed about it like I was when we lived together. I'm angry about all this and like a lot of us have been posting lately, have a hard time accepting that it's going to end this way (for some reason "not with a bang but a whimper" comes to mind!), without any trying or discussion besides him reading two chapters of a book and declaring we'll end up divorced no matter what we try so there's no point in wasting time and money. I feel like it'd be easier to accept if we had done months of counseling, had discussions, tried to meet in the middle, etc., and then decided to part ways when we weren't able to figure it out. But, I know that's not my choice right now, so I have to accept the reality as it is. When he comes to mind, honestly, my first thoughts are "He's a d-bag. He's not worth my time right now." I know he doesn't intend to hurt me and just doesn't have a different way right now to deal with whatever he's thinking or trying to find his happiness, but unfortunately it does still hurt in many ways - emotionally, financially, logistically.

Honestly, I miss our cat more than him right now. She stayed with him. It's kind of hard to share custody of a cat.. they don't really like being moved around. I've been thinking about getting my own cat but "our" cat doesn't get along with other cats, so me getting a cat would make it difficult for me to ever come back unless I give that cat up, and I don't really want to put a pet through that. Not sure what to do about that one, maybe it will come to me in time.