WAH with OW/EA - advice wanted! :)

[GoatGal]

Hi Lisa,

Just wanted to chime in here after reading a bit of your story.

#1: Do NOT listen to a word he says!
He's saying this, that, and the other thing and it's making your head spin. WhatEVER he says, tell yourself "It's just words." Then forget it.
It's his mouth flapping but you don't have to listen.
This goes double for what you hear from other people. IGNORE THEM. They are simply rehashing the junk he tells them... it's all useless except to confuse and upset you.

Case in Point: He says he wants "space" and this turns into "He told his parents we are getting a divorce." Yikes. You poor thing.

#2: Pay no attention to what he DOES--like us, the best indicator of anything "real" is consistent action over time. Right now he's going to be all over the map.
Trying to figure it out will also make you crazy and you've got enough on your plate right now.

#3: Level of contact: Do what's best for YOU to keep your cool and always be able to present your best self. If it's uncomfortable and emotional and you don't think you can handle it, do yourself a favor and make yourself scarce.
You don't need to explain it to him, just--vacate. Do it for you.
He'll get over it.
If you don't know how to respond: Don't.
Or Wait until you do.
Timing is everything, as well as how you handle each interaction with him.
You want each encounter to be as positive as possible.
If you can't turn it to your advantage, wait until another time when you might have a better chance of making that happen.

#4: We all fall down on occasion. It's a lot of work to do this DBing. IF you do, don't beat yourself up. Just try again. Meanwhile, try to figure out which situations are going to push your buttons the most and either avoid them, or prep for them like mad.
Keep yourself under control around him as much as possible.
That goes for texts/emails...etc.

#5: NO snooping. I know we all "want" to know, and hopefully one day we will, but right now you know he's cheating and lying... there's nothing more to know.
Knowing where he is/what he's doing at any minute is more painful. Trust me, I know.
Best that you avoid contact if you're upset, and snooping WILL upset you.

#6: Vent here on this board instead of at him. He won't hear you anyway. He's clearly being an a**hat! Don't give him any ammunition to use against you. Don't engage with him. He wants you to act irrational, bitchy, nasty... because that will help him justify how he's treating you.
Kill 'em with kindness! It just takes the wind out of their sails.

#7: Conduct yourself in a way that will make you proud down the road. You'll know that no matter how awful he is, you acted with grace under pressure. That's priceless.

#8: You're stronger than you think. You're going to learn things you never wanted to know, but you're going to come out a better person at the end of this. That is a guarantee. Your H? Well, the jury is still out on him, but there may be hope for him yet.
Figure out what your boundaries are for how YOU will be treated.
"I will not be spoken to in a disrespectful manner" for example. It's not telling HIM what to do, he has the choice to do what he wants. But you don't have to listen to it!
Decide what the consequences will be, and assert yourself (less confrontation the better) when he crosses them.

#9: Read and post sandi's rules somewhere where he won't see them, but you can internalize them and put them into practice every single day. That will help you tremendously.

#10: Find a way to set small measurable, achievable goals for yourself and track your progress.
For example: When I first started I set the goal of "One week with no emotional blow-ups between us". I went 12 weeks before I had a slip up, but it never happened again.
(So far!)

I think you're doing a tremendous job so far, when this is so fresh and painful.

Stay strong!


--GG