Strangely, there are *some* of my old "pregnant&DBing" posts in 2005/2006 still floating out in cyberspace. I haven't found my posts in Separated or Piecing from back then, but I found the ones in Infidelity. These are old, but they're good for me to put here ... and, if you're really bored and want to go back through them and identify all the ways I went wrong back then (ha!) ... here they are:
I *think* that's it. Hopefully all those links will lead where they're supposed to
Not much to update on here. Things are still moving along, slowly and steadily.
H and I went out July 3rd to watch fireworks, just the two of us. We had a wonderful time and stayed after everyone had left and had a great talk. I, for the most part, am letting him bring up anything that has to do with his time away. And I'm finally at a place where I can listen without growing angry; I listen without lashing out ... or even feeling like it. H says - over and over - "this time is so different." And I've decided to take him at his word.
We did talk a little about how I've tried to change so much in response to some of his pre-A complaints (and some complaints that I can *imagine* he might have had, though he hasn't verbalized them) ... and how he hasn't seemed to change much except for his attitude/outlook and spending more time with me. In fact, since he's been home, I've taken MORE on around the house ... which means he's had to do LESS. BUT, I learned - through our discussion - that the biggest problem is that I have been expecting him to mind-read, when I should have outright said, "Hey, Love: You remember that my love language is acts of service? Would you mind helping me hang clothes sometimes? And how about that pesky curtain rod I need made for the pantry? Think maybe you could find the time to throw that together for me in the next little while?"
All it took was a little conversation, and this weekend, he was hanging up clothes, helping me outside, straightening up, etc., all without me even asking.
And today? He promised he'd work on digging my pond, which is something I've been begging for him to do for at least three years for my birthday.
In the back of my mind, I start to freak out a little, thinking: Maybe he feels like this is mostly stuff I should handle at home since I'm a SAHM, and he's already building resentment against me for asking for his help when he stays so busy working.
I'm trying really hard to do what's mine to do around here ... and to let go of my insecurities. I *still* need to focus on myself and improvements I need to make in MY life. I do not want to ever be completely dependent on him again; I've learned that isn't healthy. At the same time, I don't want to live my life with it in the back of my head that I need to be self-sufficient because he may leave again. It's a delicate dance. But isn't it all?
What's strange is that he tells *me* that he lives every day in fear that *I* will leave *him* now. I think that's insane, considering our history. But I also have to understand that he has fears and insecurities, too.
But the good news is that things seem to be "better" far more than they're "worse" right now.
I still have the "he's gonna eventually do this again" thing permanently standing in my mind. But I guess - after being cheated on twice - that's probably to be expected. I don't know that it'll ever go away completely. But perhaps it'll diminish in time.
My job is to wake up every day and sweep my side of the street. How HE responds to that makes me happy to meet his needs.
So far, so good ...
We took the kids to "A Revolutionary Fourth" in a town about 45 minutes away on July 4th. It was AMAZE-BALLS! Seriously the best fireworks show I've ever seen. It lasted 30 minutes and was set to music, and it followed a mini-reenactment of the Revolutionary War. S8 is a huge history nut, so it was a perfect thing for us to do as a family. And it was seriously crazy cool. H found the place in an online search. I tell ya: he keeps impressing the heck outta me with the plans he makes and the places he finds for us to visit. And I'm pretty sure it's making him very happy that I'm up to taking a chance and trying new things, site-unseen.
We still have plenty of things to stress about, but it feels so much better to share the load ... and to kick back at the end of a week, knowing we did our best (even if we fell short on some things) and FORCE ourselves to take a time-out for a little fun ... and each other.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
