Just had a terrible bout of sadness. The ER room callousness is not the first time he has dropped the ball for me. In a big way...
About 2 weeks after BD, a great friend of decades had me take her to U of M for MRI - brain tumors/Parkinsons. Since it was only the test - we kept our chin up. and talked happily...
As soon as I got home, I fell on the bed sobbing. I lost Mom, Dad all grandparents and brother - before 43. I don't know how I'll deal with this. Parkinsons is a terrible thing.. My H asked what was the matter, I told him about T***. He said "aw. he was sorry". I begged him to drop the current argument (before I knew of OW) and comfort me. He said "sorry" and just walked out of the room.
I met with T*** last week. Very sad to see her symptoms. She cried with me, because I was talking about WS. I asked her why she was crying - she said; "I loved WS, too."
I was going to tell him, but #1. he never asked. and #2. at that time, I asked him to call me, he responded in text "Why do I have to call?" -- I never mentioned it.
Is there such a thing as BS fog? I have heard of it - but don't know where to get info
Last edited by bugsby; 07/07/1412:43 AM.
Me: 48 H: 48 Married 26 , together 30 D1: 21 D2: 18 "Happily Married" until BD 4 weeks later: "Im talking to someone" No papers filed. Attempting 180, finding it difficult.
I know that I am 180 -- leaning toward total NC. Very limited.
But for some reason I want to tell him now. In fact, I don't think he knows, everyone that I have exposed to loves him very much. No one would hinder him "coming home". Tho many do not understand...
This sounds like a pathetic manipulation to get him home, right? .... so I will file 86 the idea.
Me: 48 H: 48 Married 26 , together 30 D1: 21 D2: 18 "Happily Married" until BD 4 weeks later: "Im talking to someone" No papers filed. Attempting 180, finding it difficult.
Bugsby, I am so sorry for all your losses. You have had a very hard row.
FWIW, I've made it clear to friends and family that I want H's road home smooth. They've all agreed to that (some reluctantly). I've told him this is true (mainly so he wouldn't avoid school events) He has actually experienced that grace in person. It hasn't hurried the process so much as I can tell. You will know when telling him he matters will penetrate to a meaningful part of his mind. In the. Meantime, hang on to that knowledge the same way you are holding on to your love for him -- in a place where it won't be damaged by his callousness.
BS fog: do you mean betrayed spouse fog? I haven't heard it called that. But the crazy chaos of losing a person and life we've relied on certainly brings about a very powerful fog that makes it hard to function.
The things you've been doing will help. But to a certain extent it must just be endured. When I finally came to terms with my new reality I saw evidence all around me that I'd been stuck for months.
You will be ok. You really will. But don't try to eat the elephant. Just get through each bit of time as best you can. It's kind of like having a newborn -- just power through as best you can till suddenly you realize it's easier than it was.
I'm sending you hugs.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
BTW, a book that helped me a lot with detaching is called Embracing Uncertainty by Susan Jeffers. She talks about how curiosity about an uncertain situation can make it easier to tolerate undesirable changes.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
thank you, Maybell. I just don't know if I should tell him this now, or hold off.
I half expect him to file divorce papers this week. Although he wants a "self Kitchen table" divorce, I told him I refuse, and I know who I am and what I believe in, and I was not ready to talk divorce, 30 years vs a few weeks.
I told him he then had to make his choices... I had no control over what he chooses..
I think OW is burring a bright fire under his can.... or he is pushing toward her. IDK.
Me: 48 H: 48 Married 26 , together 30 D1: 21 D2: 18 "Happily Married" until BD 4 weeks later: "Im talking to someone" No papers filed. Attempting 180, finding it difficult.
Well, by accident I found out OW apartment - Saw him at the mall and followed him there. So I have an idea. the building is sort of older + run down (isn) - I can't imagine he is thrilled to stay there. But she is not my concern. My dingbat husband is. (I sure hope he's not playing rescuer to her damsel in distress.) Yick.
There is absolutely nothing I can do with this info - nothing that I want to do.
So, meh- yeah I "caught him", but so what?
Me: 48 H: 48 Married 26 , together 30 D1: 21 D2: 18 "Happily Married" until BD 4 weeks later: "Im talking to someone" No papers filed. Attempting 180, finding it difficult.
By accident I meant - he just drove by, I was not looking for him.
9 weeks out- with OW pretty much 6-5 weeks (I imagine the EA started earlier.)
His pure seething anger at me is SO unwarranted. The more I pray and meditate, the worse he becomes. Poor DD 18 had ANOTHER horrible allergic reaction (the body pushes this poison out from the inside out) another trip to the ER. This time I did not want to even tell WS, I texted DD 21 - said whats going on, and have her tell her dad.
Inside the ER = no phone service at all. When I went outside, FURIOUS WS! Same old blah, blah, blah - the infuriated that we knew where he "lived".--DD21 has friends that live in same complex - she said they spotted him -- good catch!
I calmly told him DD 18 was on IV meds, she was in pain, but working thru. I did not call him - she absolutely refuses to see or speak to him. I let D 21 pass the message on. THEN he started in on divorce again! - (for the love of it, man! at least this time I was somewhat rested...) I said I still had the same view (not ready.) he said he has left the home (sharing apartment - but won't say with who or where- passive aggressive much?)
He said he has not "left us", he will continue to pay bills = until divorce over... I reminded him he refused to pay for OAT = $600 for DD 12, and tuition for DD 18 is Wednesday. I asked if he was living with the OW - I never asked him to move out - in fact I have been quite accommodating... Did he sign a lease? - no answer. Did he rent the place? - no. How can he pay the OW bills, if he can't afford/willing to pay for DD's education???
-- he said nothing.. I really pray and meditate for me - and for him - and my family - every day. I have done NOTHING to warrant the amount of venom and bile he spews.
Are other WS this aggressive? Have any ever "turned" back to reconcile? I find this level of hostility unsettling. but some people say it is fairly normal at this stage????
Me: 48 H: 48 Married 26 , together 30 D1: 21 D2: 18 "Happily Married" until BD 4 weeks later: "Im talking to someone" No papers filed. Attempting 180, finding it difficult.
