Trying to find my way

[Meghan]

After yesterday's counselling experience, I'm concerned that I haven't validated H.'s experience of a sexless marriage enough, and that I'm lacking the tools to start fixing it.

I've been reading a lot recently about what a sexless marriage feels like for men, and I feel awful. I didn't realise how deep the rejection goes, or how much sex drives intimacy. I really didn't mean to hurt him, but I did. I failed to take his concerns seriously enough or to understand the full weight of them when he's brought them to me before. I don't know how to convey this to him in words, or even if I should, since I know that changes are more important than just saying something, and I've said it before. I'm torn - I don't want to just let it go and let him feel like I haven't been hearing him because I raised my concerns in counselling yesterday, but I also don't want to keep pushing relationship talks on him, especially since he doesn't talk about it other than in counselling.

The other problem is that I don't know what to actually do. He said in counselling that he could make a list of things that he wants or wanted - sex, back rubs, head scratches, kisses - but that he doesn't want them from me right now. He feels like any efforts I make aren't genuine - he seems them as me trying to fix the marriage because I'm scared and not to make him happy, and is having issues with me changing now rather than years ago. He also feels resentful that I and the counsellor have asked what to change, because he feels like he's put in the work already and shouldn't have to tell me what to do, I should just work to make things better. Where do I start for something like this? What kind of changes can I show him to get the ball rolling on fixing the sexlessness?