I guess I'm done

[Maybell]

First, I'm so sorry that on top of everything else you're losing your job too. It's a very rough time for you.

Second, there is no point at all in asking your wife for anything emotional at this time. If you want it for the kids, don't ask; either she's in a place where she can be a good mother to them, and doesn't need your advice, or she's not. (It sounds to me like not, which only underscores the pointlessness of asking her to feel or behave in a specific way).

Your kids are old enough to speak up for themselves if W is distracted by her device. My kids are a lot younger than yours and they do, freely. If they aren't going to speak up, or she's not going to respect their requests, you can't do anything about it.

Does snooping make you feel better? You already have all the information you need to move forward. Stop. You're only hurting yourself.

Detaching is acknowledging you can't control anything at all about her and not trying to. My IC suggested mentally ordering my H out of the room when I start thinking about him or framing my decision-making around him. Finding a new job sounds like the sort of big project that should make it easier to pay less attention to her. Make plans for yourself, find things to do that had been curtailed because she didn't approve or share your interests. Find new friends. Get yourself involved in a Bible study that is on a topic you haven't explored before, etc. Volunteer.

It's going to take time and effort, but you've got those. Make it happen.

BTW, WoundedFool said something last week that I found really helpful. He said that there came a point where he just accepted that he was going to get divorced. Once he realized that that legal piece of paper didn't have to mean that he was going to stop caring about his W or standing for his M, it took a lot of the pressure off.

Your marriage is already over. If you haven't accepted that, it's time to do so. That doesn't mean you and she won't have a relationship in the future, but the marriage you had is gone, and you DON"T HAVE TO SAVE IT. Nor CAN you. Let her go and see what happens. DBing is ultimately about figuring out how to conduct yourself during this awful time. It isn't only about getting the WAS to come home.

That's what detaching means.

I hope you're feeling better and have a found a stronger place. Best to you.