"Speak Softly and Carry a Big Stick"

[GoatGal]

Yes, Cadet, it makes complete sense.

It's scary.

I'm finally detaching... really feeling it--of course, there has been no recent drama!
(I'll report back IF something occurs to prove I'm wrong about being detached )

And really detaching is really letting go of any outcome.
Which is letting go of him, of our life past/present/future.

I didn't think I was "waiting"... but in a sense I guess I am.
I am sitting tight and DBing my butt off.

And yes, there IS this timeline in my head.
I know the date when he can be rid of me whether I like it or not.

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I fear I will end up one of those who is no longer around if/when H decides he wants to try to be a husband to me.

What that "fear" is...I'm not sure.

Maybe that I will become the WAW at that point.
And the way I feel lately, that could happen.

"Too little, too late".
I can see saying that if it ever comes to pass that he wants to be back in my life.
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I feel I have grown greatly through this and now I see I want so much more than what I had.
I want more than he was ever able to give me, perhaps more than he can ever give, to me or anyone.

(Sheesh. Now I sound like I'M having a MLC!!!)

I'm just rambling now, thinking out loud.

I do know that at some point I will call it quits; there is more to life than---
here's where I get stuck
----I wanted to say:
"Waiting for him to make up his mind"...
but that's not right, is it?

More to life than "standing/paving the way/leaving the door open"
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I know I'm doing it "for me" but if he were no longer living... I would be able to take him out of the equation entirely.
I would be behaving much the same way as I'm doing now if I were a widow, but I would also be making logistical changes with regard to my home, finances, animals, and future.

I would eventually close the door on the past in every way except the memories.

I wonder if other LBS have the thought that it would have been so much "easier" to accept if we had been widowed.

Not that being widowed is easy. It's just a different kind of pain.
A pain of great loss, but one without the pain of betrayal.

We would never have had to deal with the grief of seeing the person we love hurt us over and over again.
To hear them say they never loved us, and watch them drop a grenade into our lives with so little concern for our welfare.

I could have lived the rest of my life happily thinking he was the man I believed him to be.


This sounds terrible, but it's true.

(Bring on the haters.... it's just a thought.. and it's how I feel today.)
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So for creating my future without him in it, right now I can do that, but only emotionally.
That will have to do.
After a divorce is final, I will do it physically. I will no longer have a choice.

So I get it.
I "move on".
I get in gear to move, to change my life, to write the remaining chapters of my without him.

The problem is, if I PHYSICALLY do that, there is no turning back, because it means I will leave everything I care for, not just him, but this whole reality we've created.

To be "solo" and self-sufficient, I will have to relocate my body, and re-home most of my animals.
It's the only way.
There's no coming back from that decision.

If I have to make that choice (due to divorce) I will not WANT to come back.

I'll want to never look back at it again; it will no longer be an option because he will have removed that option for me.
It will be a painful reality.

Running this place is a two person job.
Neither he nor I can really do it solo.

I'm doing a better job than he would simply because he works long hours with a long commute.
It's not something I can do alone forever, nor do I want to.

So I am physically remaining in place because of that.

However, emotionally, I am definitely moving on.

Ugh....just thinking.

Thanks. (I think )

--GG