Cross country DB with WAS

[Anders]

Happy 4th Mat! You are a real trooper.

[Anders]

Just saw this on a new thread:

HMMM so you are choosing to divorce rather than have conflict?

Sounds like another conflict avoider move to me.

If I could send this to W right now...

[Underdog]

Well, DB, it's a great question. It's just that until your W is ready to acknowledge conflict avoidance is a problem, it's not a problem to her.

The only thing you can do is to detach and continue being a great guy - being the guy that she knows might get away if she doesn't get with the program.

Something tells me you can do this.

[Anders]

Journal:

It has been 3 months since that nasty argument W and I had. Nine months since we first separated. A good time to recap and take stock of where we are.

Recap:
2011-2012: I am the walk away spouse. Frustration about not feeling heard and feeling disrespected. I told W I had given up on trying to address issues I felt were in our M and I was leaving it up to her to bring them up when she was ready. I didn't leave our home but was emotionally gone. I was constantly angry and frustrated with W. I have constant fantasies about taking time away by myself to go to a lake side cabin and just be.

August 2012: W leaves for work in another city. Plan is for us to have LDR because of work, and for me to move there in a year. Visit are every 6 weeks or so.

October-November 2012: I 'wake up' inspired by a life coach and changes in my lifestyle. I'm hit by an overwhelming sense of realization and shame about just how badly I treated W during my WAS phase.

December 2012: I give W a letter detailing all the things I am sorry for that I did in our marriage & relationship. W receives this very positively.

[Anders]

Jan 2013: W does a 180 and becomes extremely cold and hostile. She is very angry but does not want to engage with me most times.

April 2013: W tells me she is not sure about us and not sure if she loves me. I ask her if there is someone else, she says no.

June-July 2013: I discover W is an EA and feeling very confused about us. I confront her about the EA. She denies then admits to it. She blames me for it. I admit to my faults in our M but told her I would not take responsibility for the EA. Ironically, she warms up slightly towards me after this.

Sept. 2013: I move to the city where W had been working for the past year. A big confrontation initiated by me on the very same day I arrive about how hostile W was towards me. I leave to stay in a hotel before heading back here. We talk and she comes home for a wedding. Things appear to go well until I snoop and find out EA is ongoing. W asks for separation for us to figure out what we want. I read the Divorce Remedy book.

Sept-Dec 2013: We see each other once for a couple of hours during this period. Occasional emails.

Dec 2013: She comes home for Christmas. I am prepared for the hostility and try to stay upbeat and positive. A couple of blowouts from both of us but by New Year's, the ice is slightly melting.

[Anders]

Jan-Feb 2014: I propose we initiate short phone conversations. She says she is still not sure about us and does not want to promise me anything. She does say it is okay for me to visit her in Feb.

Feb 2014: A couple of calls which went well. W slowly starts talking about future and asks me a few questions about us. By the time I visit, she surprises me by calling me 'honey' as she used to but had not been for the past year. She cuddles up to me while we are on the couch and uses references about 'us' which she had not been doing.

By the end of my visit, I am feeling overly confident that we are getting back on track. My mistake in rushing the process. I tell her about the plan for me to rent out our home here and for me to move down to join her. She asks if I am telling her or asking her. It is a proposal I tell her for discussion. However, she doesn't confirm either way by the time I leave.

[Anders]

Mar 2014: I return home intent on renting out our place and feeling confident we are getting back on track. W leaves on a three week work trip with colleagues. She goes dim. I had asked her to let me know when she arrived at each major stop of her trip. She sends a couple of update to her family with me included. No direct contact with me. I begin to feel anxious and ask her what is going on. No replies by the time she returns.

I make a surprise visit to find out what is happening. She is extremely hostile. I snoop and find out she is confiding in a male work colleague about us and he is contacting her late in the night. They had traveled together on the work trip.

She asks me to leave. I confront her about the possible EA which she denies. Major fight about trust and if we are right for each other. She tells me to leave. I retaliate by saying I don't trust her and we should divorce. She is bitter about it and asks how I can give up when she stuck with me through my WAS phase for two years. I say we can't do this from a long distance perspective. At the very least, we should be in the same city. She refuses, I leave to return home.

[Anders]

April-Mid May 2014: It only takes a couple of days for me to realize how hot headed I was in the situation and how often this pattern occurs with me. A good friend counsels me to give her space as does a life coach. I decide to go dark (no communication)for the next seven weeks.


Mid May 2014: For the first time, I spend a time on this board reading through threads and eventually making my first post. I am scared that I am giving her too much space and time. I make the first move to contact her after a month and half. We eventually talk and she says she is convinced we are done and was certain that was what I wanted. I admit to my reactive approach but she insists that we are done. She repeats this phrase which she had been the last few months during arguments: "How do we know we are right for each other? We have only ever been with each other."

Mid May - present: We have talked four times in the past seven weeks. The last couple being on separation logistics and finances. The first couple about her wanting to move on. In all, she has been very upbeat. Almost as if nothing has happened and we are back to normal except that she wants a divorce.

[Underdog]

DB, thanks for the recap.

Patience, my man.

Just remember that you initiated this journey and you're going to have to let this play out now. I'm not saying that you didn't have valid reasons for visualizing your freedom... so keep on being a loving friend to see if this doesn't change things for her.

You can only control you, so just wait and see. How were your last communications with her?

Betsey

[Anders]

Evaluating my journey so far:

Moving away from quick fixes: I spent a large part of 2013 reading and trying out many different "Save Your ..." marriage and relationship books and resources. I was not diligent though. I was impatient and looking for quick fixes to get W from her hostile funk and us back together again, moving forward with our lives.

This did come back to bite me and most likely caused our situation to deteriorate further. Now, I have made a commitment to focus on the DB method as my primary approach. My reading and resources have expanded from relationship saving to self growth and healing.

From saving my marriage to healing and having love for myself: My WAS phase was more than a reaction W's nagging. I was unhappy professionally, I was unhappy personally. I can see W's growing fear of seeing the spark go from my eyes based on conversations where she tried to get me to change jobs, take time for myself, pursue my passions.

My focus was on getting us back together. My focus now is to be the best man I can be. I am praying intently that W is a part of my future and the main reason I am here. I know that there is a possibility that this may not happen. I am not yet at a place where I can say that I am fully okay with that. My timeline and plan are helping me to ride out moments of fear, doubt, tiredness and pain.