Maybe I need to search myself better to know what my real motive is to want to send a D card. Morbidness? Rub it in I can be better than you are-ness? Drama? It bothers me that I dont know my motive. Yikes.
CC, sorry I'm so late for the party, but I agree with everyone else.
I can see from your posts that you are nowhere close to being healed from your journey. Your timeline indicates that your entire turnaround is pretty tight, so I get that. From this comment ^^^^ above, I would recommend you devote all your efforts into discovering more about you and what you need to heal from this path.
Make sense?
Bug is right that you can't force him to see things that he doesn't want to see, especially stuff that brings you pain. You have a lot of ground to cover, and you sound unsettled with most of it. Time does heal that, but so does some old fashioned elbow grease. At the very minimum, have you considered IC and addressing dealing with grief?
Best wishes,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
write out a letter IN YOUR JOURNAL. It gets the feelings out of your head and heart but do NOT send one or show it to anyone. I wrote a longggg goodbye letter in my journal and it helped me. Basically it's just all the things you want to get out of your head, good bye to snoring, lost dreams, getting talked down to, road rage, I listed all the bad things that I wouldn't miss. I also listed things I was sad to see gone - good bye to the loving moments, the romantic times, the future dreams and goals that you shared. Have you ever seen harry potter where professor dumbledore uses his wand and takes memories out of his head and stores them in that pensieve thing (The Pensieve is an object used to review memories. It has the appearance of a shallow stone basin, into which are carved runes and strange symbols. It is filled with a silvery substance that appears to be a cloud-like liquid/gas; the collected memories of people who have siphoned their recollections into it. Memories can then be viewed from a non-participant, third-person point of view. ) Anyway, it sort of helped me to think of it that way, I use the journal as my own pensieve and store those thoughts away. It helps me to detach and I can always review them later. Helped me to sleep at night too if I wrote it down then I wasn't going over it and over it, handling it in my head with my hands sort of thing. I was able to let it go.
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
Labug, you are right, of course, about closure being a process, and not a single act. I’m working on the grief and acceptance, however the DB’er in me keeps that door cracked open just a little and therein lies my conflict: I’m not moving forward because my infinitesimally small glimmer of hope that DBing might work-- it is holding me back, I guess. And what you said about communicating anything to him will make him go in the opposite direction is spot on.
M 56 H 52 M 13.5 T 15 S 28 twinStep Ds 24 ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14 Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14 Divorce final 7/8/14
Underdog, agreed, that my timeline is pretty tight. However, there are others, such as TL72 who got the BD the same weekend that I did, and she’s already well beyond my level of healing and has moved much farther ahead of me on her path to healing. She is an inspiration to me, but I guess I get carried away in TL’s journey, momentarily thinking that I'm up there with her, and I’m just really not there yet.
M 56 H 52 M 13.5 T 15 S 28 twinStep Ds 24 ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14 Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14 Divorce final 7/8/14
TL, you’re right. I DO need to write a goodbye letter in my journal (not to be sent to H) and a very long one, at that. I’m holding back on writing that, and letting go, because of the DBing. Not sure how I do both, really. It has been a long time since I saw Harry Potter so I’ll have to get the movie and look for the Pensieve. There was a movie with Jim Carrey, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, where he could get a procedure to remove the thoughts of a lost love from his memory. I sometimes wonder if only…..
M 56 H 52 M 13.5 T 15 S 28 twinStep Ds 24 ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14 Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14 Divorce final 7/8/14
Underdog, I've started going to DivorceCare again, and an Infidelity support group. IC may be next if I get stuck. I think I'm having major backsliding because D is final next week. I hope that after D day I'll start making progress again.
M 56 H 52 M 13.5 T 15 S 28 twinStep Ds 24 ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14 Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14 Divorce final 7/8/14
CC, you are making progress whether you know it or not. everyone works through at their own pace. Definitely don't want to rush it because it could come back to haunt you later. The divorce is just a piece of paper, a legal thing, it does not erase the memories or the relationship. They are all part of who you are today. saying goodbye in a journal letter can be very freeing, you don't have to say goodbye to him - just say goodbye to a list of actions that he was doing that you didn't like. surely there are things you won't miss... say good bye to the MLC actions. you can do a short memo to start and later when you're ready, try to extend on that. then again we're all different and what helped me cope may not help you, you will find your own coping strategies and healing powers Just by posting here is helpful and you also help others with your responses. Our H's are the same age and your bd was the day before mine, so weird. At the time I remember thinking "i can't believe this is happening" and that people would know just by looking at me that I was not good enough and that my h left me because I'm horrible or something. Then I started thinking I couldn't possibly be alone, that this same exact thing is happening to someone else right now - and sure enough it was, felt good to know I wasn't alone. That's when I found this place. You and I must have had the same heartbreaking at the same time. Overwhelming at times - now i'm actually glad it is over with for me so quickly. That enabled me to heal. Just rambling on Hang in there CC, thinking about ya!
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
These days it seems like everyone can hide behind electronic communication. *sigh*
As for a response?
I wouldn't say a word to that.
--GG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
CC - just take it hour by hour - you will get through this. For me it was way easier than move out day. It was just another day where a legal proceeding took place and papers were signed. It doesn't mean that things cannot change, things do change. For the better. Mine still came over after we were divorced, right now he's azz but he's deep in MLC. Focus on yourself - and I agree with GG - no response needed.
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
Just by posting here is helpful and you also help others with your responses. Our H's are the same age and your bd was the day before mine, so weird. At the time I remember thinking "i can't believe this is happening" and that people would know just by looking at me that I was not good enough and that my h left me because I'm horrible or something. Then I started thinking I couldn't possibly be alone, that this same exact thing is happening to someone else right now - and sure enough it was, felt good to know I wasn't alone. That's when I found this place. You and I must have had the same heartbreaking at the same time. Overwhelming at times - now i'm actually glad it is over with for me so quickly. That enabled me to heal. Just rambling on