i'm tryin. i think i'm just havin a bad morning today. yesterday i felt actually sick to my stomach thinking of talking to h on phone. why? just anxiety - over what? idk.
you are rite about the people. my h is ruining my memories- i think the ch eating has alwasy bveen there- unknown to me. he says not- i think he lies. after all- i've discovered what a giant liar he is. the problem with lies huh?
oph well- trying to rise above- failing miserably today- hoping to do better tomorrow. guess we all have a fall off the wagon now or then- oh yeah- my buddha book says i don't have to "be better" and "know the answers" - i just have to acknowledge and make peace with my shortcomings gently - and get on with it. control them - but not judge self harshly -
i'm impatient for a life with love in it that i CAN share and spread. i do have alot i kn ow- happiness for me seems to HAVE TO include other people- i just do not see or feel the whole "I am my whole world"kind of thing. my world is improved by sharing it - all of it- happy- sad- just adds dimension. alone is not my happy place really-
)(weLL TIL life is soooo busy i long for alone time- it's hard to get it allll adjusted just rite huh? i do see the insanity of what i'm saying here- btw...
so, this is me and what is my "i want more". i want this mess of dbing and mlc to j ust go away from my life and i want allllllll the (what?) fun and wodnerfment he's found with ow??? (if that's whtat it is) - i want happiness oozing out of me - and excitement of seeing my lover - if that's what he's got. he doesn't deserve it any more than me- i'm jealous that a rat gets it- and good old me doesn'tQ - wah hic , wah
how's that for being a spoiled brat today- i'm sick of being understanding of allll his - what? - mlc - neurosis- i've got my own
i can do better- (well, maybe today i can't and i just gotta wallow til it's passed?)
