I just came in for food and saw your note. i was sitting down to say that i had a thought - out there in sun digging weeds from curb (i hate grass btw)\
I do not know what makes him "not mature" enough to stop behaving like a cad - and value what he's got & me and "get normal". so, is he just selfishpig? or insane/mlc?
or is mlc just something we "use" to tell ourselves til we're past the insane misery portion of the show- and getting to the jump ship portion of teh show?
the continual insane quandry of dbing!!! do you ever know the answer??? is there one? it's him coming back up here in a week - me going down there for a month- something i DECIDED i want to do - but honestly- maybe i should not go into that old life - and have it rubbed in my face? (that it's not like old times?) i'm trying to "face my fears" sort of thing and not just run and hide (up here in nj) but honestly- does it mean or accomplish anything? i'm not sure anymore.
my gut says GO - BE A PART OF THAT HOUSE AND TOWN AND LIFE TOO - DO NOT JUST RELEGATE SELF TO ONE PLACE AND "HIDE OUT" - GET YOUR GUTS UP AND STAY IN HIS FACE IN MY OWN "PLACE" IN HIS LIFE. DON'T HAND IT ALL OVER TO OW SO EASILY - DON'T "BECOME MEEK AND ACCEPTING" ACT LIKE I'M PART OF HIS LIFE AND THAT LIFE AND ACT AS IF....
with me -lately - it's seeing and listening to my mother - alone since my dad died in 1969- lonely as heck last bunch of years when all her freinds died and she became less and less able to get about. mind going a bit - unhappy - lonely as helllllll always. and telling me daily since i was only one seeing her - - my sisters too - three out of five with no one to share life with (it makes them bitter-ish) - one couldn't face her breakup and died of alcoholism as result (long story- but sure as heck, the jerk who broke her heart did it). it seeps into your pores- i don't want THAT.
so maybe i have some morbid fear of being alone - tho i'm alone a hell of alot- and function okay. (but i have h there in some wierd capacity still) i'd just rather someone in the house - no one even knows or cares if i come home at nite- that seems soooo unfulfilling - maye i'm being a wah wah baby now aren't I?
HE HAPPENS to be all i have at the moment. it's "soemthing" rather than nothing. sad but true. it's f'ing shabby - and here i am ,thinking it's better than nothing. i'm soooo put-a-good-face-on it- accept what you're given rather than jump up and down adn DEMAND what you want. (but, can you really demand someone feel differently than they do?)
i drive myself nuts. But - even if i think i'm a nice guy and decent citizen- it doesn't follow that i can make anyone else think it and feel it - does it? that's my real problem. i can be a sterling guy til the cows come home- if this jerk thinks he's in love (tho he throws that word around to both ow i know of). he's always been scared & hard as hell to say it to me forever - tho usually managed once a year or so. when it's fake crappola- he can sling it allover teh place. wtf???
i can even be grateful for that, part time something - he pays my bills, lack of poverty and somehow is still "there" in my life. not what i'd like- but what the heck is he doing it for? that's me- grateful for whatever the heck comes my way. I never demanded or neeeeded all "the best". i thought it was a strong point in me- grateful for whatr i had, not jealous or greedy for more -
i've thought that legally maybe he knows that he can't even kick a non-paying tenant out on the street - so maybe he keeps me around because he's afraid i'll sue him? it doesn't seem likely since i said first thing and several times since i could be out of his life in a week- and he makes a case forme staying around- esier for me, etc. he "convinces" me to stay in his life- i let him.
idk - maybe he can't let go becasue somewhere inside he realizes he and i have some tie that is huge?? i just don't know and he can't speak. no kidding- it will all die on the shelf becasue of his non-communication and inability to look long and hard inside self and figure what's most important to him & convey it. ya know that song "say something, i'm giving up on you"?? i think that.
i want more- do i have a right to it tho?? who the heck kn ows. i liked it in olden days- living together. this apart stuff is my doing - the two houses. i could kick self - maybe that makes me less judgmental & final. (raised knowing no matter what in the world happens- "it's your own darn fault"- thanks mom)
it is abuse (affairs) - because it's demeaning to other person. whether or not the purp realizes it (and i think they delude themselves so as not to feel like the rat they are).
I could separate and not probably go under financially. i have savings for my "old age" - no kids that will "save" me if i need it- probably me on own. soo can keep self afloat til find some sort of job- i do not think i will be able to (realistically) get a job that will pay alot- i think i can get by with luck.
PROBLEM is the loneliness- i find myself PREFERRING & "needing?" to have someone in my life besides just me. i can get a dog- but it's not the same is it? i was raised in a "pack" and i like that best - being part of something. allllllllllllllllll alone- well, what's the point? even being wonderful is no darn good if nobody else is there to share it with- EVERYTHING is better shared.
lately h is killing himself to be nice, do stuff and go on trips when he's here. it's something we both like- i enjoy it and think he does too - BUT I am suspicious. OF IT. of him being soooo nice. see- that is what it's done to me. can't even enjoy self when he's being old self - because i'm thinking what the heck is up. i think(know) it's guilt. last bunch of years (i can see now) the only time he's been really nice is when he's going to see ow - i believe he is "buying me off" when he's being rotten and knows it. i may think i'm dbing and letting him run his course - but he is seeing me accept the sitch as it is (i fear) - i don't think he intends to ever stop it. it's come to that- maybe.
i'm not being wiseguy- i think lies and deception and hurting someone you know loves you is a conscious decision to disregard another human beings happiness in order to have something you WANT - AND at same time you apparently WANT to keep faithful old jerk around - "just in case". or some thing like that. his old stupid line is he "cares a great deal about me". f that. if he is soooooooooo "love of his life" about ow - go f'ing have her. i've said it - more than once- he doesn't "stick up for himself or her" or correct me - he doesn't say a thing.
that being said- i can't make myself look good here. i've always been a pretty confident kind of gal- this has knocked me for a loop- and made me think things i've never had in mind my whole life. like this dump junk- i moan here and there - and i can see that when i like something (like the r i've formed with my neices - since babyhood) and want it in my life- i'm willing to suck up the crappola from a sister that might take advantage- because i think in the long run it makes my r with the kids go smoother. does that make sense? i can see my part in being the dumpee- guilty - so paid my dues - NOW - just how does one do a 180 with that ?? i'm tryin hard- it is difficult to say NO to people. i am trying- they just push it and push it to have their own way AND DO AS THEYplease - til i back off because i'm not goign to spend my life in a state of resistence & "fighting". and i do- i see as i'm saying this. -
UH OH - I HEARD THAT- i just need to do that old 180 somehow.
i'm sorry for this rant- i know you can see from this junk that i'm in a bit of a twirl today- overwhelmed is a mild description.
need to take one little step at a time here and STOP trying to figure out entire thing all at once - i am so not in control of this life i'm having. i hate that.
i could take control- i would need to man up and NOT CONSIDER another living soul - failing to have my own giant RULES AND DEMANDS - I SEEM to lack the direction i need to be "big boss man". i have to go think about that-
my only goals seem vague , like" get some structure back in life, figure out where i live and regain sense of well-being and happiness"
cripes- okay- back to gar den- sorry if i made ya nuts. i'm not "goin under" oranything- mostly just spinning out of control for the moment i gu3ss"
i'm sure heat will exhaust me this p.m. and i'll shut up and go away.
xxoo thanks for even bothering- so why is it so bad to appreciate that someone might take the time to respond? why is it so bad to be grateful - even if what you have is waaaay less than the most you'd like to have? why is it bad to say thanks? (something no one i know here seems to be able to manage) i am surrounded with people who think if they do not say thank you- they don't have to feel grateful or they don't have to acknowledge what you've done (usually for them), etc. i'm bummed with people today- who could tell???
