Nero, don' t be too demanding of yourself. Everything you described, I have been through. WE GET THROUGH IT IN TIME !!! I wish I could fast forward your situation but I cannot. It is part of our healing.. Trying to make sense of this nightmare. YOU and only you can change the dynamic of YOUR life.
My anger and anxiety opened my eyes to changes. I CHOSE TO STAY away from his life for MY OWN SAKE AND HEALTH. I went into councelling to deal with MY issues to make my life better.I cannot cut him out 100 percent, ( really wish I could ) but I will not put myself in harms way either. STRICT minimum contact. I know XH loves me more then he d like to admit. but his guilt and shame for the pain HE caused me is eating at his ego. That is where the pitty look in his eyes comes from. He did this, he screwed himself to the core. HE NEEDS HELP and won' t do a darn thing to make his life better. THAT IS HIS CHOICE. I agree with you when you say the ball is in YOUR court. I always knew the choice was mine to wait for him or not. To be friend with him or not.( I don' t believe, in my situation, that friendship was possible ). He told me many times that we needed to be friends. My answer was: " Do you treat me like a friend ? " He answered : " NO "... Confusion or one way control?? He refused to give me what he demanded of me... That doesn' t work for me. I wasn' t gonna give him 100 percent for a 5 percent return... recipe for a unhealthy relationship. He knows he could trust me, rely on me, depand on me but he destroyed those things in me. I conducted myself with self-respect.I did the work needed to find my self-esteem and confidence back. I did not self-medicate with booze or OM. It makes XH feel even worst because he sees what he had.. He had a GOOD woman and wonderful kids. He gave up and now settles for whatever or whoever wants him. He will never be happy again ( his words ) and he doesn' t want to hurt me or make me angry . He has NO CONTROL on his emotions and he is full of REMORSE.. Those are HIS WORDS SPOKEN a couple of weeks ago to D14.
You need to take as much time as you need and be ok with the fact that it could take a week, a month, a year, 5 years.. IT doesn' t matter but YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT !!
If you read my story, you will see that I TO have made the connection of having problem dealing with XH but not with anyone else.. That is NOT CHEESY at all.. It is actually A HUGE STEP in moving forward. You see where the problem his and now, you can decide how to handle it. You also realise that YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON, you will set your boundaries and will decide what you can and cannot accept in that particular situation. YOUR attention will turn on yourself and make you stronger, better with or without him.
Give yourself time.. I can tell you that everything you feel is totally up to par and you are doing amazing !!
