wow girls - heavy and true stuff. i know what you are saying Exquisite:
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I saw myself as patathic and weak. How could I accept the unacceptable. How could I stand by someone who lies, takes advantage of others, disrespect everyone,.... It wasn' t right.. HE made those choices all by himself, not me.
i feel badly about myself for not ditching him every day- on one hand i think his "bond" for me is love (true) and on the other hand i think he's a greedy pig of a man and this ow stuff may be a response to his mlc - and i think it is, and childhood trauma (wah wah) - BUT i don't think i believe anymore it will go away or ever stop. that it will ALWAYS be the stinkin ball in my court to end it all- and i find that incredibly difficult. i keep waiting for the day when staying in his life is more awful than leaving it. I can't seem to arrive - .
i don't like what it makes me feel about me- or think of my ingrained "doormatness" or whatever impels me to always stop- take a step back - not "go there" - remain calm- and suck up all the crappola treatment around me - including anger from sisters and so on. I feel like i'm a normal nice per son in any sitch with non-relatives or H - but with them- i stink. i think it's the ONLY way to be, to resist getting into screaming matches or whatever - yet i resent myself fornot being more forceful and getting a bit of equality or maybe appreciation or respect for self. (boy DID THT SOUND CHEESY OR WHAT?)
no one is hitting me over the head with a hammer - but seems like i am waaaay more "get along-ie" than anyone of them- and i hate it- yet i keep telling self to just get thru this estate and then i don't have to "do" a darn thing in life or even see anhyone if i don't want to. is that weird or what? I ALWAYS seem to see it all as my "job" and responsibility to make it happen and m ake it thru - geeeeez - I feel like and sound like a big fat wah wah baby - hearing myself- i need some "grow a backbone therapy & tips". i don't even want to be a boss of them all- i just want absence of "attitude" from everyone. see- you two guys are probably scratching your head and thinking what a sap i sound like - i even think it!!!
this mlc thing can sure wreck one's (healthy) ego - can't it???
can we really come outof this liking ourselves for our "strength" (and this has been the hardest thing i've ever dealt with) - rather than despising ourselves for our stupid conciliatory - "butt kissing" if that's what it is? somehow keeping controlled and allowing him space - feels mighty like allowing him to S allover me and i just lay there- and maybe it makes me a jerk?
he's not "abusing "me in any other sense than i KNOW about ow and that feels like treason to me. i feel betrayed and compared and coming up short. is that me or him (or an intrinsic part of being "replaced" with this stupid cow of a ow i knew and was friends with and she may be okay- but she's no me!!)
I agree and i think also that it's the "thinking" that makes me crazy and unable to sleep. keeping busy in day and distracted at nite to sleep don't seem to be a good answer (yet are all i have) to that all.
i agree with Bea- it's insanity- but where the heck does that leave us. i had a childhood friend that had her first schizophrenic episode at about 15 - with my sister & I- scary and totally different person. controlled with drugs nicely- BUT reoccurs - not frequently, but it's "out there" always for past 40 or so years. it is the scariest thing. when you lose logic to reason- you have nothing to work with.
my h seeems "normal" - except now i know (or feel) blamed and judged continually - because of the dopey junk he threw out there at me as allll the "reasons" this wasmy own fault. yeah - rite... .
Even now- when he's seemingly normal & nice - but still has ow in the background- I can't get past knowing about her and hating it. it taints everything and (i feel) is always between us and what the heck is within our power to do while we watch our mate (really) slowly wreck it all. (aside from the - da da dummmmmm ultimatum? and take our chancees?? buck buck, chicken girl here pecking the ground.
What they do to our insides & heart - i'm thinking in the end it becomes un-fixable. they may be insane - and it sure looks that way- BUT it is their choice too. can that make sense?
i agree with you both- and watch in disbelief and sadness mostly.
geeez - sorry guys- it's the a.m. blues before i just get busy and shove it all out of my brain.
