He blames me for divorce! Why is he so angry?

[Underdog]

Ah, CMF, I owe you an explanation by way of an apology.

I should say, which I will do right now that you have every reason to feel in the dumps and not optimistic. In fact, I understand completely if you just want to walk around showing your feelings on your shirt sleeves. I really do get it. (I just have the added advantage of being 11 years past this horrible stuff. It really DOES get better.)

So please know I'm not slamming you or implying that your H isn't one screwed up man.

But... what I was trying to say and did it poorly... is that just maybe your H's past is coming to roost with you. Or maybe it's his FOO (family of origin) baggage coming into play. He may be 100% guilty of casting you in a pot of women who did him wrong... even though you haven't acted in a manner that justifies his acting out. You know? I think we're all guilty at some point of casting our net of negativity around us. For me it was, "why am I always the one who gets dumped? All men stink." Well, like you, I had a boat load of abandonment issues that led me exactly to that spot.

In fact, this is the stuff that's coming up with me in IC right now. Say what? I thought I addressed this the last round. Apparently, I decided to revert to my previous way of thinking.

So I took the long, circuitous route to try and say this to you: maybe the outcome is exactly what you feared. Maybe he'll continue to cause pain to you and your children. Maybe he'll cast you as the permanent villain in his awful play and spew to everyone in your lives what a crappy wife CMF was. I can actually see you frowning right now. LOL.

Well, just because he does this or says this or thinks this... does it make it true? Do you have to absorb that blanket of skewed falsehoods and beliefs and take them to heart? NOOOOOOO! you don't! If we're wise, we take what we can to learn from the situation and experience. We figure out our messes and vow to make them work for us. Make ourselves whole and happy, because we deserve it. So in the midst of whatever he says is his truth doesn't necessarily make you have to take them as YOUR truth.

CMF, you are a real person and someone I would probably love to have drinks with. I think you're going to get around to doing all the healing. I do. You just have it in you. But the only way out is through. Since you're here and uncomfortable anyway, why not just do the right and difficult things so that you don't ever have to do this again?

Sometimes it's just a matter of processing and committing to you. From this day forward, you tell yourself that you're willing to listen to his truths, but the person whose back you need to have is your own.

If it helps, from what you've shared, I think your H has problems far beyond what you know. It's so much easier to blame you for all his unhappiness - but that makes him a victim and that's just an insane way to live.

How do you stop living in your head? Well, for someone like me, it wasn't easy. I start on my own idiotic mental tirades and literally have to stop and say to myself, "Stop it! Be nice to yourself and just leave yourself alone." Seriously, it makes me laugh sometimes. If it's a repeat issue, then I yell! "Not this again, Betsey! Let it go!"

And yes, I understand very well what it's like to be married to someone who didn't give a rat's ass about my feelings too. The first 6 months of our separation were miserable. He went out of his way to be sh!tty and to say really mean things. I had a tough time staying positive. But my girls were 9 and 6 and in the beginning I did it for them, and them alone. But you know something? By traveling this path and acting "as if" I actually figured out that being happy was all in my hands and what he was doing or saying didn't have to make me miserable. I was only miserable when I allowed him to get to me.

Then I finally got to the point where I asked myself why I wanted the one person in this world who hated me when there were 100 others who thought I was terrific???? Riddle me that, Batman. Eventually, it became my moniker.

Sorry for the pontificating. I've had some wine and am sitting around with my D20 listening to music and feel comfortable spewing.

Take care of yourself. Hope all is well back in VA. I don't miss it this time of year, but in a few months, I'll miss it horribly again. I love the fall there.

Breathe.....

Betsey