Dealing with WAW Part 2

[pilot]

As always labug, thanks for taking the time to interact with me during my ordeal. And please never take my "back and forth' as arguing or disagreeing with you. Discussions are my best way of learning, even if I sometimes play devils advocate against my own position.

Yes, "she can get a job like the rest of the world." (I can hear the anger in that sentence) What was her job before?

What kind of job is she going to get after taking herself out of the work force for, what 5-6 years, to be a mother to your children? Unless she has a professional education (and that job market is difficult these days) she's going to be starting over, and having to pay daycare etc, etc.

She was 6 months out of college when I met her and started dating her. She was working as an exec assistant for the local cable/internet company we used in our projects. Shortly after we dated, I gave her a job with our company which really had no responsibility...it was more to give her the freedom to travel with me and have time off whenever we wanted. I realize she will have to start from scratch with a new job. And I sympathize. After we married, I never pushed one way or another for her to work, or not work. It was always her choice. She chose not to. She enjoyed a very active social life. I absolutely see the value in SAHM. The income we had was never "my" income, it was always "our" income and I referred to it as such. As our income began to shrink and was no longer sufficient to cover all the bills, our income went to pay the bills under her name first. This was a choice I made. During this time, I never pressed for her to work, but she always knew it was an option for her. So there is no anger in my tone. My tone reflects a reality most people have to live by. Which is we cannot always have everything we want, and money does not grow on trees.

Do you have the kids 50% of the time now?

I didn't suggest that you support her financially. My point was that the expenses on the credit card up to the time you S were family expenses and that as you said nothing has changed so they are your responsibility as the wage-earner in the household. Your contract for repayment of loans isn't with your W, it's with the CC company.

If you don't pay it, what is owed will be split at the time of D and then you'll have added fees/interest on top of what you already owe.

Yes, we split the kids 50% timewise right now. I understand you are not asking or inferring full financial support. And yes, her cc bills are family expenses. As are mine, as well as all the other bills I have pilled up. My conflict comes in not in paying her cc bills in the long term, but the priority of paying her cc bills before my own bills get paid at this point. I have not paid a cc bill of mine in months, and some have even been charged off at this point. But hers have been paid. Yes, I could continue to pay her cc bills and continue to neglect my own bills. Not going to hurt my credit any, and if I do end up filing chapt 7 not really an issue. But why should she be able to cake eat? OM is good enough to fulfill her emotional needs, and possibly her physical needs. Why is OM not good enough to fulfill her financial needs? And please do not take that as a bitter statement. It is more of a rhetorical question probably asked by a lot of LBS. She wants the cake of what OM offers, and has no problem with the hurt that causes me. But wants to eat it too by having me meet her financial needs.

I have strong Christian values. I am a fair person. And a pretty decent person all things considered. There are very few people who ever have bad things to say about me.
...
Obviously the best I can be.
Think about his some more. I don't know what Christian values means to you. I was raised in a very conservative Christian church and I can tell you, many of those tolks' values were all over the place.

fair enough question. Think 10 Commandments.

This is where the rubber meets the road, Pilot. This experience can be your crucible if you're up to it. It sounds trite, but you get to decide whether this makes you better or bitter. Right now the bitter is winning.

I would not say I am bitter...although I may have started out that way. I would say it is more that I have detached to the point where I am indifferent to her problems. While I accept my actions in the past played a role to in getting our marriage where it is now, she has to accept her own actions. It is not my responsibility to make this process as comfortable and painless as possible for her. It is my responsibility to be the best dad I can be and take care of my kids. At this point I am living with my own father to save money to make sure I can provide for the kids. Paying cc bills in my name or her name are not on the list of priorities.

Spring for a L consult. Sounds like you should have some good contacts due to your previous legal dealings.

I have consulted with a L, as well as continued contact with many of my friends who are L. They all say do NOT pay her anything at this point. They encourage a much more aggressive posture than one I have adopted.