New here - frozen in should I stay or should I go?

[labug]

You may have more to learn.

[woundedfool]

Feels like I've been sitting tight an awfully long time...

But its only the last 2 weeks you have come here to work on you (and your M).

I would like to address a few other things too:

First, you mentioned not reading them yet. But run to B&N (or download) DB & DR. The very first chapter of DB will talk about how divorce is not the answer, it makes a rather compelling case (However, as mentioned above: Except for in cases if there is any type of abuse) of the complexities it will add to your relationship (and there would be MANY). Divorce is not a solution' it is a shortcut to avoid problems (and notice I said avoid, not solve). ***I even seem to recall you can read the first chapter here (or somewhere) for free.***

Second, you mentioned:

I feel so sure that it's best for everyone

I can tell you with 100% certainty, for "everyone" (the players involved: you, him, your kids, extended families, friends, neighbors, the cat & dog, ministers, daycare, nannies, employers, accountants) it is NOT the best. Well except for attorneys... its actually really good for them

Third, you mentioned having attended counseling. Do you feel that was more of therapy? How did you feel about going? How do you think he felt about going? Did you feel like you got anything out of it? If so, why did you stop going? What keeps you from going back?

[Shanti]

I'm sure you're right; I have more to learn. It just seems that all my thoughts go in circles. Hopefully I can learn to get unstuck soon :-) - I may go crazy otherwise.

I did read what I think is the first chapter of DR today. I thought DB wouldn't be helpful for me?

I guess I don't know the difference between counseling and therapy... I went to an individual counselor (as did H) and we both went to MC. As for MC, I didn't want to go, he did. I don't feel that I got anything out of it. It felt very negative to me and just served to remind me how things went wrong and why I feel they way I do.

Thank you :-)

[woundedfool]

I thought DB wouldn't be helpful for me?

It can't hurt... DR "spoke" to me more then DB, but I am still glad I read both.

I guess I don't know the difference between counseling and therapy... I went to an individual counselor (as did H) and we both went to MC. As for MC, I didn't want to go, he did. I don't feel that I got anything out of it. It felt very negative to me and just served to remind me how things went wrong and why I feel they way I do.

Both DR & DB address the styles of MC. One keyword to hammer home is Solutions Based Therapy (or somethimes referred to as Solution Focused Brief Therapy), it is NOT long term psychoanalysis (you know, blaming everything on how your were raised, what you experienced in life).

I had very good experiences with SBT, and was very comfortable with where I was after a a couple of visits.

[Shanti]

I'll start with DR. Now, if only H would start with DB...

I like the sounds of SBT - I'll check that out.


Thanks!

[woundedfool]

I'll start with DR. Now, if only H would start with DB...

I kind of felt that this was tongue in cheek... but if it wasn't:

Do not give/show/leave out DR or DB for your H. Right now this is a tool for only YOU to help get your M back on track.

I like the sounds of SBT - I'll check that out.

Excellent!

[Shanti]

It was tongue in cheek. :-) I'm having it shipped to my work address.

[woundedfool]

It was tongue in cheek. :-) I'm having it shipped to my work address.

Good

BTW, I want to commend you.... you seem to be the one recognizing there is repair and healing that needs to be done. You seemed ready to cut the ties and take the D route out (what we would refer to as a "walk away spouse"). In my short experience here, it seems the opposite of the typical DB'er. Please keep an open mind during this process, and keep your heart open to what the future may (or may not) bring.

At worst, you will make yourself into a better stronger person. At best you will find renewed love and save your marriage.

[Shanti]

I want to commend you.... you seem to be the one recognizing there is repair and healing that needs to be done.

Thank you, but H has done alot of work on himself in the past two years while I've pretty much been sitting in judgement.

Please keep an open mind during this process, and keep your heart open to what the future may (or may not) bring.

I'm trying :-)

At worst, you will make yourself into a better stronger person. At best you will find renewed love and save your marriage.

Either of which (or both) would be an improvement from where I am now. Something's gotta change!
DR should be here in a few days and I'm planning on researching SBT today.

Thank you for taking the time to help!

[labug]

Woundedfool, pardon the hijack apathy, are you describing your experience with different kinds of therapy?