Trying to find my way

[Meghan]

Hi everyone – I discovered this forum a few weeks ago. I’ve read so many threads and have found them to be really helpful, and I’m hoping that some of you might be able to help guide me through some of this process. I’ve written this out in a lot of detail – I’m sorry it’s so long, but I hope that it’s helpful.

My husband (36) and I (34) have been together for 10 years and married for 4. We met online and lived in different countries. I was initially engaged to someone who was emotionally abusive. It took me a year to end that relationship, which was very hard on him. While dating we had long trips back and forth. When we were married, he moved here to be with me. He dropped the bomb almost four months ago. We’re in couples counseling now, and I have a long-term individual counselor too. The main issues:

The first main issue he brought up was the lack of sex. I haven’t really been interested in sex since we were married. He brought this up a few times over the years and feels that I wasn’t interested in fixing it. I’d approached my doctor many times, but was always told that it was stress (a birth control change recently helped things). This was something that I should have pushed harder to fix, but I suspect I was assuming he wouldn’t leave. He expanded on this a few days later and said that he felt like we didn’t have emotional intimacy and that everything I do is selfish and self-focused and that I like having him around to take care of me rather than to have him as a true partner. He therefore also doesn’t trust that any changes that I’ve made are about wanting him to be happy rather than just trying to save the marriage because I get something out of it and am afraid to lose him. Because of the lack of sex, emotional connection, and effort to fix things, he feels that I left the relationship years ago.

It’s also become clear that he feels like all he’s done is sacrifice and change since we were married in order to accommodate me. He moved here to be with me and is upset because he now doesn’t have a job or friends, is away from his family and the big city, put on weight, and feels worthless. I do agree that there are big sacrifices there, but he suggested we get married the same day that he found out he’d been laid off, couldn’t claim unemployment benefits, and realized he only had a month’s worth of expenses to live on. Until recently, in the four years he’s lived here he applied for 6 (I think) jobs and turned down – with a “blessing” that I wasn’t thrilled about giving – the two jobs he was offered. He also hasn’t really tried to make any friends.

The other issue is work, responsibility, and caretaking. Since our wedding, I’ve been focused first on finishing a grad degree and then on work and he feels that I haven’t held our marriage as a priority. I’d agree that I’ve been overly focused on my work – I’m the breadwinner, I don’t make a lot of money, and my job is precarious. This is one of my biggest anxiety triggers. Plus, since I have an anxiety disorder, there have been many times where he’s helped me with planning or sorting out work-related issues and he’s said he’s felt more like my assistant and therapist than my partner. I really do appreciate the help with dealing with work concerns – I’ve thanked him profusely for that over the years – and he’s been really good about taking care of me by giving lots of hugs, cuddles, and back rubs, which I adore and will admit that I haven’t always been so good about returning. But I’ve also been frustrated for a long time now because while he does more housework than he used to (some of his changes are doing a lot of the dishes, all of the laundry, cleaning the toilet and sinks, and baking), I do most of the rest myself. I’ve felt very overwhelmed and there is resentment (which I did tell him about) about how much I feel like I’m responsible for, which also probably hasn’t helped with sex or intimacy.

A few other details: due to his excessive snoring, since we were married he’s slept in the bed in the bedroom and I’ve slept on a futon in the living room. This didn’t help with the sex, especially when we keep different schedules – it’s not uncommon for him to stay up until 2 or 3 and then sleep in until 1 or 2 the next day. He also has a chronic illness that is not life-threatening but is rather difficult to manage.

Overall, he feels like the last four years have been all about his sacrifices – moving here, no sex, no work, no friends, listening to my issues, taking care of me, taking on extra housework, and changing himself to meet my needs, and he’s deeply unhappy and not sure if he can get over the resentment. From my end, it feels like he blames me for everything – the sex, certainly, but also being here, having no friends or job, and generally putting his life on hold.

On top of all this, when he dropped the bomb, he told me that he’d been talking to someone online. They started talking in January, I think. He kept her a secret until he dropped the bomb, but now talks to her online a lot. She’s 18. I don’t think there’s anything deeply inappropriate going on anymore, but this was hard to see for a long time, particularly since the bomb dropping and first mention of her were the same conversation which also coincided with him starting to lose weight, apply for jobs, and spend more time away from me (all of which screamed EA). He said in counseling that she makes him feel worthwhile and that he needs someone on “his side” who supports him.

I’ve done a lot of things wrong in the three months before finding this site. I’m scared it’s too late to fix things. When H. dropped the bomb, he told me the issue was sex and closeness, so I offered sex and more time together. The irony is that when this all went down, I’d finally gotten on new birth control and was actually starting to really feel in the mood again. He said he wasn’t emotionally attracted to me, and so I backed off, and it didn’t take long after that for me to stop touching, hugging, or kissing him, since he’d stopped doing those things and it felt like I was forcing things. I also stopped saying “I love you”. I’ve gotten upset a lot since then, though. I’ve asked what should be changed, and only got “I don’t know” as the answer. We argued about his online friend once every two weeks for probably two months because I was feeling insecure and like she was an issue more than a symptom. We also argued when I pointed out that he wasn’t the only one making sacrifices. When he talked about going away for a week or two to visit family, I told him I was scared that he wouldn’t come back, which made him angry because I was focused on me and he felt guilty. I promised change, which I’ve been working on, but he said in counseling that he’s had a hard time seeing it because of the arguments.

I just got DB a week ago (DR is in the mail), and found this forum two weeks before that, so I have made additional changes recently, particularly around 180s and GAL. I haven’t complained about much of anything. He’s started telling me about his online friend and asking if he can talk to her sometimes when we’re watching TV, and I’ve been saying yes and asking about her in a neutral way. I haven’t talked about the future at all, although he’s mentioned it a few times recently. I initiate conversations much less than I used to, and I’ve stopped being the first one to say hi, whether face-to-face or over IM or text. I’ve stopped asking for any help with work problems, although I have been mentioning some after the fact so he knows I’ve handled things (bad idea?). When he asks to talk with me about something he’s working on, I listen a lot more carefully than I used to, always put down my computer or phone, and ask relevant questions. I’ve been a bit less frugal and paying for more treats without mentioning the budget. I think I’ve acted at least neutral if not supportive of his trip. When he complains about something, I validate his experience. I’ve started a new anxiety program with my IC. I’ve realized that I’ve been staying home a lot because he hasn’t been going out and I feel badly. Now I go out a lot more, see friends, and I’ve taken up some new activities and joined some new groups – yoga, running, cycling, group meditation, and gaming. That said, we do still do some things together like we used to. I run with him when I’m home and I’ll go for a walk with him if he invites me. We still talk and joke around, eat dinner together, and watch TV in the evenings. I’m not sure if these are things that should be changed.

I think I badly messed things up in counseling today, though. He was talking about his resentment about feeling like he was pulling the emotional weight and taking care of me and not getting a lot in return and how he doesn’t know if he can get past that, because everything I do feels forced now, and he doesn’t want to have to tell me what to do. I validated and agreed with his assessment, but when the counselor asked, I also pointed out that I felt like I was doing a lot in different ways – work, finances, and household things. H. got upset at that, and claimed that he’d tried to lighten my burden by applying for jobs and doing more housework. I made the point that neither of us felt like the one was doing enough in certain areas for the other. He was angry about that because they're not the same thing (which I agree with), and now he also feels like I made this all about me again, and that I’m only focused on my needs and trying to save the relationship only because I get something out of it.

I guess I’m not sure what else I should be working on or doing now. I’m certainly going to keep up with the 180s and GAL. He’s going to visit family in a week, which will overlap with his birthday. He said in counseling that it might make him miss me, or that it might clarify the alternatives (which I took to mean ending the relationship). As a result, I’m feeling really, really terrified, particularly after today’s counseling session, that he will feel that life away from me is better because he sees me as the source of many if not all of his problems and hasn’t seen much change yet. I wish I had more time to show him changes before he leaves, or that I’d started them sooner, and I’m not sure what I should be saying or doing in the meantime, particularly in light of today’s screw up. Any suggestions about handling either the trip specifically or the situation in general would be most appreciated.