Something's afoot! H has been pensive, weird...a new phase.
After a few weeks of me really detaching, GALing, PMAing and hard core DBing, there's been a week of HIM being crabby, nasty, (text-wise), pushing my buttons and trying to push me around (DIDN'T WORK!), and this 3 day weekend he was sort of sad, seemed a bit lost... (I have given him exactly ZERO things to pin on me as the source of his unhappiness, and lots of indicators that he is the only one who thinks I'm so awful. I have not taken the bait, and I have not engaged with him at all.)
I responded to his text last night telling me that "all chores are done" (I was out), by saying "Enjoy your evening. "
He texts back:"ENJOY????????" " Well....I'll be getting ready... for work......C u tomorrow....."
At which point I'm laughing to myself. What? You mean he's not "enjoying" his "single" life without the woman who supposedly made him miserable? Poor man.... I wasn't even being snarky! It was a beautiful night, he'd left early, I figured he'd go back and hang out on their deck or something. Guess that's not "enjoyable".
He later sent me text last night saying: "Sorry, I know you were trying to be nice." " It just wasn't a good day for me...." " Sorry I was so.....distant......kiss all the kids for me......."
------------------------- "Distant"? Like I noticed? I'm only paying a minimal amount of attention to him as required about practical things. And every time I do, I'm DBing to the MAX. Happy, upbeat, busy, got better and more fun things to do than hang around him. The ONLY thing I did (my 180), was to leave him an antipasto plate I made up in the fridge with a note "For you..don't know how well you're eating these days"... and I didn't say a word about it. (No expectations, no pressure.) I noticed he ate it, though! It's his "Acts of Service" love language. ---------------------------
Anyhow, I texted back simply:"I will." (I wasn't sure if/how to respond to all his "bad day for me/distant" thing, so I figured I'd just ignore it. Just words, anyway.)
But as I said, I've seen some changes.
1. He cried about our little dog, Eleanor on Monday night. I mean, REALLY CRIED. First time in over a year I've seen any emotion other than fury, a weird child-like tantrum thing, and a sarcastic, entitled teenager who tells me I don't give HIM "any RULES!!!". Considering everything that's been going on, the fact that I never saw any "adult"/age-appropriate emotion or ability to communicate or interact about our situation has been disconcerting.
2. Complaining about his exciting "new life". (See above: "ENJOY?????????") When he got here (PERFECTLY ON TIME!) He made some comments about his July 4th party that he had made SUCH a big deal over. It was "Boring, nobody to talk to... sorry it made him late..."
3.He rode his bicycle early on the 4th. First time in almost ten years. Said he rode for about 45 minutes and almost passed out. (No surprise, he's in terrible shape.) I was happy that he's finally getting some aerobic exercise. It has always helped his state of mind and one of the issues we've had is when he stopped running on and off over the years, he got really irritable... I always thought that had something to do with his depression, and it seemed to fill a void in him.
4. No evidence of porn/alcohol binge that I noticed while I was out. This is also new. It's usually one or the other. Or both.
5. He is spaced out, making more mistakes or is pre-occupied. He forgot to take the trash and recycling as usual, he turned on the AC even though all the windows were open... weird stuff like that.
6. For all his bluster, he's giving me his schedule and whereabouts every day. He's updated me by the hour when needed.
7. When we were clipping one of the dogs Sunday, I swear he was about to "say something" big. The air was pregnant with it. My stomach dropped. I *thought* he was going to say something "awful" like--take your pick--or maybe ask to come home, or move into the basement, or SOMETHING. He went.... "Ummmmmm......." And I just waited. Waited. Then "were you going to say something?" Him: "Um...no.... I just...went a way for a minute...sorry." I let it drop. He let it drop. But there was something he wanted to say that he decided not to. That was clear even to ME.
Enough about him--this is just background info for the rest of the story. ------------------------------------------
Next Up: My Fourth of July and strapping young men in suspenders!
---GG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
You really know how to write here, huh? The formatting and bold stuff really does help make things easier to read and immediately understand.
I'm not really sure what to say here. I don't have any advice or anything, except to say it does sound like something's on his mind he might want to get out of it.
It also sounds like you really know what you're doing, like you've got a really good head on your shoulders despite deliberately spending a lot of time with your thoughts and analyzing the situation.
Regardless, it sounds like you had a good weekend no matter how you slice it. Congrats, GG
Went to my hotel event, it was a HUGE ego boost for me.
I was dressed to the nines, H saw me go, wearing his favorite perfume, high heels, little black dress... hair done in vintage style, diamond combs, earrings the whole enchilada... it was the BEST I have looked and smelled around him, perhaps EVER. Totally classy.
It wasn't long into the evening that I realized: If H never comes to his senses, I will definitely not be lonely... (But I'll never get married again. You can take that to the bank!)
I went to the after-party, performed a set for the dancers... I guess people there didn't *know* me or what I do, so it was kind of cool to look around the room mid-song and see these shocked expressions. (In a good way.)
That was another great ego boost for me.
Note: H has been down on my Ukulele/Vocal thing since the beginning for whatever reason, (because it made me happy and took time away from me being his housekeeper?) and as I move onwards and upwards with this pursuit, I keep thinking to myself: "Screw YOU! You have NO IDEA what I can do..." And he doesn't. He doesn't get it at all. Other people do... I see that now. I may have gotten myself another gig as well.
OK, So. THE YOUNG MEN! (And the men my age, don't want to leave them out either.)
Oh my dear, where do I start? Let's just say that I need to remind myself that they're really young, really naive, and well... not to put too fine a point on it: I have NOT lost my MOJO!
After years of my H ignoring me sexually, and in other ways, and his "explanation" being that I just wasn't "attractive to him", well, clearly that's his problem, not mine.
I knew that, but it helps to have it reinforced by others. If I had been so inclined (and maybe drunk), I would not have needed to go home alone on Friday night...I could have spent the evening with some strapping, virile, decent guy who liked and respected me for ME!
Not that I am even considering that---it's just nice to know that it's really just H who finds me so distasteful. I am actually shocked at the number of younger guys who are interested in a woman my age. (And they all know my age!) I've known them all for years, I was always just "married".
Now that shield of protection has dropped, my mindset has changed. Although I don't think of myself as "single", I think of myself as "curious". I allowed myself to be more "open" and was frankly shocked at what is out there. Very eye-opening indeed. And it helps me with detaching, because now I KNOW I do not have to spend my life alone...
No doubt that was part of what H was reacting to when I rolled in about sunrise... I was probably smelling like "Boy Toy" from dancing until dawn.
No... DBers! Absolutely nothing happened! Just talking, dancing, flirting, and a few calls/texts the next day from them. I haven't been in that situation in decades...talk about your fish out of water. But I'm working on improving my skills in that area.
Anyhow, I had close friends there and would never carry on like that... I would never allow it out of respect for my M and my H. I wouldn't want to embarrass myself or someone else. But I had my toe in the water, definitely! And the water felt FINE!
Every day that goes by now I am less and less invested in H, his baggage, his dysfunction, his blaming me for his problems. I'm sure I'm broadcasting this loud and clear.
What's sad about it is that if he does ever come around, I might have just moved on. Which is what he's "asked" me to do ever since the beginning.
He has done me a favor. I've been sleeping through our marriage and now I'm awake. I'm finally seeing things as they are, not as I believed them to be.
There will be no more sleepwalking through this R with him, however it turns out. --------------------
As it turns out, one of these strapping young lads with whom I've been dancing and chatting over the last six months is NOT a Mennonite (You can't always be sure) and he's not Amish either.
(Yes, those Amish do sneak out and do crazy things like Blues Dancing. It's been known to happen.)
Anyhow, turns out he lives right down the road, is available for whatever chores I can line up for him, and he can chaperone me to dances, too.
His schedule is open, evenings/mornings, and--I have to add--looks mighty manly in his work pants and boots, braces, tank top, and elaborately waxed beard/moustache.
I think if H saw him here working on the farm, he'd just about have a stroke.
So. It's still clean. Except in my head.
(As I said before, no "Thought Police" here, right? )
And that's the latest!
----GG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Watch out for the part I bolded below, though, GG.
Quote:
If I had been so inclined (and maybe drunk), I would not have needed to go home alone on Friday night...I could have spent the evening with some strapping, virile, decent guy who liked and respected me for ME!
I'm not even sure if I'm supposed to say this here, so I'll be very careful and mention first I'm not hitting on you or suggesting you do anything with any of those guys that would be considered even borderline infidelity (I've read even flirting/texting is too far, I'm not judging, just careful?).
I digress, I don't think I've ever really been attracted to any woman less than ten years older than me. You're almost 20 years older than me and that seems to be ideal in my case, and I KNOW I'm not alone out there so don't doubt these guys are serious and you deserve to have as much fun as you had! My wife is 15 years older than me and I LOVE that part. I can't explain it.
I also can't pretend I don't love hearing you say how much you like the attention and desire from younger guys----if nothing else it makes me feel more normal about having an abnormal age preference.
Regardless, good for you! I don't know enough about your situation and I don't think I would be the best person to give anyone advice here, but I'm glad you are happy and in particular singing again (my wife used to sing, she still does karaoke but I think we both wish she would sing again).
A friend of mine rear-ended an Amish carriage once back where I grew up. That wasn't a joke, but now it kinda sounds like one. It sounds like your "independence day" was appropriately named! Congrats, GG.
Just to be clear: There is no way I would ever get involved with anyone who does not respect or care for me. Period.
And that includes my husband. (Or whoever he is now.)
I'm not sure if that's what you were warning me against... being taken advantage of/used by someone. If so, I appreciate your concern!
But no. These are friends I've known for years, we have mutual friends in common, all that. I've just always been "unavailable" and to their credit, they've always been on their best behavior with me; very respectful with me as a married woman. I would not have tolerated anything less.
Now I'm---"Maybe, might be...some time...available...?" And since I changed my mindset, and the rumor mill has churned, I notice there is more...interest. And I'm surprised at this.
But my self-esteem is way too strong to be taken advantage of by someone who is looking for *just* a hookup. Won't happen.
My biggest concern is ME potentially hurting someone who is kind-hearted and sincere, perhaps naive.... I would never want to involved someone in this mess that masquerades as my life.
I will not "date" or become involved with anyone unless/until I am divorced. At which point I plan to have no further direct communication with H.
Until then, flirting is OK. As is telling the "interested" parties that I am "in a difficult situation, and not really free to pursue a relationship at this time."
And that's the truth.
Am I taking numbers?
You betcha!
---GG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
For the record, no one has crossed the line into impropriety, not in word or action.
Everything has been very respectful.
I would accept nothing less.
It's just that a few have made their interest known... for down the road...if my circumstances change.
That's all.
Nothing that I wouldn't want my Mama to see/hear.
"Class, not ass!"
--GG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Just curious---any thoughts on how many WAS stay gone if there is no OP involved?
Not that it matters much, I just wonder about my H. He is not running "to" someone or something, he's just running away...
Seems like a wake-up call is inevitable when he realizes he's 65 and the fluke that was his young employee was not a reliable indicator of things to come...
Hmmmmmm....
No--really, I'm not trying to fit this into a neat box. I'm just curious.
--GG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
"