Matt how long was she living there after BD? What kind of conversation did you have about her leaving, if any. H still claims OW is just friend so it is not exactly out in the open. For a while he was talking and texting in front of me but for the past month he is back to hiding the phone when I am around just like in the beginning.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
Hi Julie, She lived here for a year after B-day. During that time, there were times when things would kind of start to get better, but then she would talk to her dad and would go right back to she's unhappy because of me and her "bad marriage". Towards the end, before her father was really totally back in her life, she stopped talking about leaving. But then she went on a week long vacation with him and came back without her ring on and saying she had to go. Even if things got better it would just go back to the way it was before. (something her father would tell her when she would say she wanted to give her marriage a chance). She had worried about hurting the kids but started saying then "We all hurt our kids, they'll get over it". (Again, something her dad would say for sure! Funny she never got over HER parents D!).
Even then, she didn't want a D anymore. She said we would just separate and she could see if being on her own was what she really needed. Then, during the week of our D's graduation her father came to town. This was just a week after she said she didn't want a D. While he was here her father set up an appointment with a lawyer, told her if she filed right away he would pay for it and help her get a place to live. When I got upset that she had gone to the lawyer with her father, that was the end. She filed (she would have anyway) and 2 weeks later said she was renting a house and would be moving in a week! One year of not being sure and all it took was her father telling her that she should do it and bam!, that was it.
Since then her father, who would never bother to call or get in touch but every few months, has been talking to her 3-4 times a day and texting her often through out the day. He has been telling her he wouldn't accept her as a wife and mother for years, she was 'wasting" her life. Now that she is doing what he has wanted her to do, he is constantly in her life. In other words, in my sitch, her father is the OM! Kind of sick but something she has wanted (her fathers love and respect) since he left his family when she was 10 years old.
In every MLC there is someone that is giving the WAS backing. Telling them that what they are doing is the "right" thing for them. Until her father came into the picture, she was spending all her time at work and with her friends from work. She was acting totally different, trying on new personalities , losing weight, buying new wardrobe and sexy underwear. But most of her friends and family were telling her that she was making a mistake. It wasn't until her father came along and told her that she needed to do just what he had done (abandon his wife and family) that she went ahead and did it. I truly believe that without his (or someone else's) influence saying being a selfish jerk is OK, she wouldn't have moved out or at least been able to move father along in her MLC before leaving.
I got the hiding the phone, the always on it texting. But in my case it was with all her new friends and in the end her father. It's like they are teenagers again and act like that. Teenagers hate having anyone know their business and my W would hide what she was doing, I think more because she felt like it was her business then to hide an OP. I don't think, until they get past the replay and actually get what they THINK they want (or need), will they ever move farther ahead in reintegrating into a "normal" person. Maybe what is needed for your H is for him to get what he THINKS he wants. Until he finds out there is no more happiness there then in his current life, he will keep listening to the people who tell him what he's doing is the "right" thing for him.
Thanks for sharing Matt. Ny h never worried about kids and never believed this would affect them. In fact he said they were better off knowing their father is happy. Ss15 even tried to reason with him in the beginning and tell him that everyone knew he loved me. That we would always embarrass the kids by being so affectionate. S told him he had been acting.
He talked about d and moving out but hasn't said anything lately. Right now I just go with the flow .. something h does not think I am capable of.
In other news I am really happy today. Sun is shining, woken up by big wet kiss from MLC dog, good music on radio all morning. Nice chat with folks at the coffee shop I go every morning. I mentioned that I was going to try a vegan diet again. I said something like "we were doing it after a cancer scare but then h left and I fell off the wagon. " not really thinking what I was saying and wondering why she was looking at me with a sad pout. When I figured it out I just thought oh yeah rhat. I am sure I will feel differently when he moves out but today I feel good.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Hi Julie, Yes, I got the "I'll be a better mother once I leave because I'll be happy". Back before I found the DB site, I was looking on the Internet for information. I found several sites started by women who left after 20+ years and almost everyone of them said that they thought the same thing, that they would be "better" mothers because they would be "happy" and each and every one said that was the biggest lie they told themselves! The funny thing was that I wasn't looking only for sites where the person regretted leaving after long marriages. But I found those out numbered the ones that were glad they had left 20 to 1! And in each of the ones where they actually were happier, there was major marriage problems like abuse or drug use or alcoholism in the LBS S.
I remember the first few times I let it slip that my W left while talking to someone. It was weird only after the fact and they were looking at me funny!I know the "sad pout" well. Glad you're feeling well! Go get 'em Julie!
Tonight is h night with s and for once I decided to let him go it alone. Went and got myself some dinner after work and he has called 4 x. Once to tell me he was going to use my blender but don't worry he will clean it . Last time to see when I would be home so he could go to grocery store. I am taking my time. Not to be mean but no one ever comes to relieve me. If I need to go somewhere s comes along. Welcome to the real world.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
Yes. Enjoy a leisurely dinner. The real world does have a way of throwing curveballs. Hope you enjoy yourself!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
we do so much for our kids it just becomes routine. i have handled everything with my D(spec needs) h has really no idea...
did your h move out?
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
No he hasn't moved out. S and his needs have always been a source of contention and more so now. H is very out of touch with reality. S functions very well but will always need level of care. H would never discuss planning for the future. Now he refuses to discuss how going back and forth between homes will affect a kid with sensory processing challenges and extreme anxiety. He thinks s will be just fine. It is very scary to think how things will go when he does move out.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
My H has always questioned our D's diagnosis of Asperger's. His claim is that I made it up so I could stay home and avoid work.
It's hard when you have to be an advocate for your child against the other parent.
I'm not sure I have any great advice, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone.
We saw a psychologist who specialized in children on the spectrum. She said she saw it all the time. Couples at odds over their children with special needs.
She compared it to a seesaw. Imagine you and your husband started out in the center of the seesaw. You probably noticed something going on with your son first and said...something to the effect of..."Something isn't right." He probably responded, "He's fine. You worry too much." You scoot away from each on the seesaw.
Next, you become more adamant, "Something is definitely wrong." He probably became even more adamant, "He is fine."
Slowly, the space between you grew. Eventually, you have two parents passionate about being right.
Sadly, when we received this analogy, OW was already in the picture and Smokey was back to partying hard. It really rang true, though, and I wish we had had some guidance like that earlier.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
