So as it happens, W did not go out with posse Saturday night. She stopped by to say hello, then she went to OM2's house. (He was the one night stand one week after OM1 and before OM3 a week after that.) She slept in the guest room when she came home that night. Last night, she slept in our bed again, and again she tossed and turned and sobbed in her sleep. She is conflicted, and yet, not really.
[So this is why the "courtesy" thing went up my butt. Yes, she had the "courtesy" to tell me she was going out. But everything else was a complete lie.]
I plan two weeks of vacation in about 2 weeks. At first, I wondered if kids would come with me, given that W plans not to. (she's "working") Now she has declared that the kids are coming with me. I was suspicious of her motives.
I now know that W and OM2 are planning a major f***fest while I am away with the kids.
Here's where my mind is, and frankly, it's been here for a while. I am not going to do anything to jeopardize having kids on upcoming vacation. I don't need W calling me in for kidnapping while I'm away with kids.
I plan to use that vacation to absolutely make peace with myself, then file.
I do not want a D, and since D shouldn't be used as a tactic, one might ask why then, would I be the one to initiate it. I really can't tolerate an open M and I need more.
We know two couples that do this, essentially because they couldn't afford to live apart so they stayed married in the same house. In one case it's the H, in the other it's the W who are "promiscuous" while the other spouse leads what appears to us in each case to be a meaningless SSM. Yes, they are with their kids, and they didn't take the financial hit, but they never really reconciled. I know I need more than that.
I've now consulted with two attorneys. My stuff is all ready. D will be very costly, and devastating to W and kids lifestyle, unless of course W finds some income/husband quickly. When I file, it will not be tactical. It will be full speed ahead, with full intent.
W says "Zew is playing a game now. That's ok, we've been playing a game for years." That's her mindset, whether I am supposed to believe it or not. The fact that I haven't filed and want to reconcile is "a game". She thinks I'm deluded to not know that we're done, so it must be a game.
I don't think she'll ever file on her own, which is good because it gives me time and bad because I can't leave the heavy lifting of D to her. Her goal is to eat cake until she is financially able to leave. And I believe she'd prefer that I file, because that just fits her narrative so nicely. As for the narrative, I don't care what anyone thinks but my kids. D13 already asks why W is out all the time, so she'll figure it out.
I have to assure myself that I wouldn't be filing for any of those reasons. What still bothers me a bit is that I'm not leaving to anything specific, other than the promise of starting over, however financially ruined. I want to assure myself that I'm not just running away prematurely out of anger or pride.
My alternative, of course, it to patiently wait - "marathon". I do have about 13 months. It just seems so passive. How long can I stand to have a great full time life with my kids, but having my W suck the life out of me. Should I move on more aggressively before filing? Really, I think I'd like to stabilize post-D before thinking about anything. W will be an emotional and financial mess and the kids will need a lot of my attention.
This is the great question we all have, I guess, is does this wayward thing ever break? I have seen no change at all in the last 6 months, other than the names of the OM changing. So while she may not know who "he" is yet, she certainly seems convinced that it's not me.
And then I wonder how much I am hanging on out of a sense of duty. I meant my vows. My word is worth something. What is the best thing for my kids? W on the other hand, W has lied to me for years about her spending problem, and she has lost all integrity, turned to worst people for advice and made horrible decisions (at least by my values). Why do I keep trying to save her? Or is she realizing her true self and not in need of saving? Maybe she's finally growing up and rejecting me as what she sees as a father figure. Why do I keep rationalizing bad behavior?
I have no doubt that there are women out there who hold at least a few core values and are comfortable with themselves, that I could have a very satisfying relationship with. W is so far from that right now, and speeding off in the wrong direction.
So this is how I will be spending the next 4 weeks. I'm close, and by then I think I'll be there.
