I'm back from my camping trip. Black Mountain is gorgeous! I appreciated the opportunity to be out on my own but it was also very lonely. It brought up memories of my H and I and our excursions together. The camping trip would have been so much better to have him to share it with. This is the kind of stuff that he and I did. We had fun where ever we went and this is probably the strength in our R. The fact that I was the only one there without a spouse made my loneliness even more of a reality. I truly miss my best friend.
I couldn't avoid the negative feelings that were snowballing inside me. I received a reply to my email on Thursday. I had forwarded him some info for the new build. He replied with "Thank you and hope you're having a good time with your brother." I replied back providing him with need-to-know info and wished him a happy 4th of July. I have not heard back. As a matter of fact it's like he just disappeared from the radar.
The children have tried to contact him but apparently he has not responded to them. This leads me to believe he is hiding...of course he's hiding! My female intuition kicked into OD. There was something going in and I felt it...down to my very core. It felt as though the other half of me was being violently ripped away. I couldn't escape it but I went to bed that night feeling only half myself. The reality of him having an EA is becoming more and more permanent in my mind. I mean what would motivate a man to suddenly want to jump ship? Nevertheless, I have been mentally preparing myself for this. I accept that it's a very real possibility. I have read and re-read the success stories of DB and DR. It does provide me with hope and want to believe that an A is a symptom of a problem but I am new at this. I drew a line long ago that I would not tolerate A in my M and yet here I am. I realize that running away is not going to solve my M problems and that I can't continue on running. Will this A be the worst thing that could happen in my M? To me...yes. It would be devastating and would only justify all my attempts at self-preservation. I know that God forgives all things and that I am called to forgive in the same manner...can I? Will I be able to when the time comes?
"What will happen when he does confess? How much more hurtful will he be after the fact? Do I have it in me to endure through it all? Will I lose myself in the process?"
Please ring in anyone! How have you dealt with it?
