Hi Julie, She lived here for a year after B-day. During that time, there were times when things would kind of start to get better, but then she would talk to her dad and would go right back to she's unhappy because of me and her "bad marriage". Towards the end, before her father was really totally back in her life, she stopped talking about leaving. But then she went on a week long vacation with him and came back without her ring on and saying she had to go. Even if things got better it would just go back to the way it was before. (something her father would tell her when she would say she wanted to give her marriage a chance). She had worried about hurting the kids but started saying then "We all hurt our kids, they'll get over it". (Again, something her dad would say for sure! Funny she never got over HER parents D!).
Even then, she didn't want a D anymore. She said we would just separate and she could see if being on her own was what she really needed. Then, during the week of our D's graduation her father came to town. This was just a week after she said she didn't want a D. While he was here her father set up an appointment with a lawyer, told her if she filed right away he would pay for it and help her get a place to live. When I got upset that she had gone to the lawyer with her father, that was the end. She filed (she would have anyway) and 2 weeks later said she was renting a house and would be moving in a week! One year of not being sure and all it took was her father telling her that she should do it and bam!, that was it.
Since then her father, who would never bother to call or get in touch but every few months, has been talking to her 3-4 times a day and texting her often through out the day. He has been telling her he wouldn't accept her as a wife and mother for years, she was 'wasting" her life. Now that she is doing what he has wanted her to do, he is constantly in her life. In other words, in my sitch, her father is the OM! Kind of sick but something she has wanted (her fathers love and respect) since he left his family when she was 10 years old.
In every MLC there is someone that is giving the WAS backing. Telling them that what they are doing is the "right" thing for them. Until her father came into the picture, she was spending all her time at work and with her friends from work. She was acting totally different, trying on new personalities , losing weight, buying new wardrobe and sexy underwear. But most of her friends and family were telling her that she was making a mistake. It wasn't until her father came along and told her that she needed to do just what he had done (abandon his wife and family) that she went ahead and did it. I truly believe that without his (or someone else's) influence saying being a selfish jerk is OK, she wouldn't have moved out or at least been able to move father along in her MLC before leaving.
I got the hiding the phone, the always on it texting. But in my case it was with all her new friends and in the end her father. It's like they are teenagers again and act like that. Teenagers hate having anyone know their business and my W would hide what she was doing, I think more because she felt like it was her business then to hide an OP. I don't think, until they get past the replay and actually get what they THINK they want (or need), will they ever move farther ahead in reintegrating into a "normal" person. Maybe what is needed for your H is for him to get what he THINKS he wants. Until he finds out there is no more happiness there then in his current life, he will keep listening to the people who tell him what he's doing is the "right" thing for him.
