1st post. Long but please read, help!

[Zues126]

Bond! I think I got it! It may go away in a minute and I'm not saying I can live it- but after reading that CD book for just a moment I get it.

No one owes anyone anything. Doesn't matter if they're in a marriage or not. Nothing is owed. If a spouse doesn't want to work, help around the house, parent, spend time together, contribute in any way...they don't have to. Now the other spouse doesn't have to stick around for that crap, and I'm not saying that the key to a fulfilling relationship is to be sociopathic or anything. I think that there is an exchange of gifts and loving people take time to understand each other's needs and give accordingly within their boundaries and what they have to share. But everyone is responsible for their own happiness and everything else is the gravy.

I wrote down today in my notes: "I tried to control my W to force her to keep loving me. It had the opposite effect." I realize what I was so afraid of. I was afraid of her not loving me. And I thought I needed that because I didn't feel I was worthy of love and needed her to prove me wrong.

Now I realize that I'm worthy of my own love and God's love. I don't need anything from her. I'd certainly welcome it if she wanted to share more time with me, be intimate down the road, etc. And it would be nice if she was more receptive for the ways I want to express my love for her. But it's not a requirement. And right now it's not a big deal.

So here I am in my buddy's basement, waiting for my STBX to file the divorce (possibly this Wednesday). And for the moment I'm ok with it. It's like- hey- I hurt her. She needs to be her own, independent, strong, and happy woman. I'm glad for her, and find her more attractive then ever. I will be my own independent man. Maybe some day she'll decide she wants more from me than child support and a father for her kids. If not I'll find someone that does or will be ok on my own. But regardless it will come from her choosing, not from me trying to force.

This is so hard to see I had to share it and save it so I could reference it tomorrow if I regress...

Thanks all!