afraid I have waited too long #3

[nit84]

Interesting my W actually spoke to me this evening.

She asked if I could provide her with copies of bills from June and July so she could pay her %. I said sure I think the L has them but I will look into it.

She then said she would like the paperwork back that I took from our bedroom. I said I didn't take any paperwork. She said she was missing receipts, I said receipts are no use to me.

It then went on to a discussion about the cell phone. We kinda have an understanding except that I own the phones and she turned them in to the new carrier to upgrade. I said that could be a problem and I knew this was going to be bad. I said fine I will talk with L and see what this all means.

Then she commented that I was trying to mentally screw with her I said nope just trying to wade through this muck.

She then said, I will not let you control me, I said that great because I know how difficult of time you had with this issue earlier in our M.

She continued with when are you getting your puppy? I said well that depends on the answer to the question I asked you the other evening. When will you be moving out, so I don't make it tough trying to work around a puppy so it is best I wait till you move. She said what if Im not moving maybe I want a puppy I said that is your right if you want one but I don't understand I thought you were moving after the hearing.

She said why don't you move? I said because I like here. I was under the impression you hated living here and needed to leave.

She I worked damn hard for this house. I said you sure did. I said I thought you have your plans together and the hearing was the final piece to the puzzle.

She said what do think I am going to do I said that is not up to me to guess but I hope it is what you want for yourself. She said don't you have an opinion you always seem to know things.

I said well yes but those are mine and I shouldn't share them because you are already upset.

She said go ahead. I paused and said well it has come back to me that you want to M the OM, is this true? she said she wasn't going to remarry for a long time and it wasn't going to be OM. I said you want to go to school. She said I told you that. I said yes you did and I believed you and some others have also told me the same.

I said do you want a baby with OM. She said no, this S has taught me I don't want kids. And not with OM. I said Im sorry to hear that because that was always your dream.

She said that is a problem I have with you you are so mentally screwed up that you actually thought we were trying have children when EVERYBODY knows you said you never wanted kids with me.

I said that is your perception, I did think we were trying but I needed to be more clear that I believed that and that I indeed wanted kids and I should have opened my heart at that time and shared it with you.

The conversation went on to go back and forth about who told me things about OM and Who was saying things to W about me. Very unproductive. No yelling from me but still no excuse.

THen it got kind of ugly she said who is telling you things and putting my life in danger. I asked why she thought that and she said because you are crazy and everybody thinks that. I countered with well some people think you may be Bi-Polar. I told I them I thought were just fine, just going on your own journey. She got really upset and said who is saying these things?

She then brought up The Church attendance and said that's great you are going but you never would do that for me. I said of course I would if you wanted to go. She then yelled its great you are getting right it is about F-ing time. I said thank you.


She continued to say people asked her if I said please stay, I love you, don't go. But I didn't. She said the first time I said I Love You was just last Monday after the hearing. But first you said I was sleeping with OM and it didn't matter because I still Love You. I countered with Yes I said that and meant that nothing could ever happen with us as long as OM is in picture.


I know I screwed up again by choosing to exchange feelings and thoughts with W in the wrong way.

I never bring these conversations up she does and I guess subconsciously I want to talk to her and more importantly listen to her.

My problem is not the listening part now, it is the trying to understand why she says some things which I know is futile.


frustrated with myself at the moment!!