I’m emerging slowly but surely from my sick bed. My goodness - I’ve not had a cold like that for as long time! I feel really grateful for my health.
I took D2 out for lunch on Friday and had a nice time, albeit brief. WAW later emailed me to request that I let her know each time I’m going to do that and she didn’t know about the lunch. In response I expressed sorrow for any concern she felt and suggested perhaps ‘wires were crossed’ as I thought we’d agreed that. I suggested that we have a presumption that I will take D2 to lunch on Friday on weeks I don’t have her at the w/end and, if it would be better for a day that’s non-Friday – due to work for example, I would let WAW know the night before. WAW replied that yes perhaps wires were crossed and she was happy with all that.
I always let WAW know (via txt) that D2 has gone to sleep fine whenever I am looking after her. Like giving WAW more information about these lunches, I can feel a bit 'controled' and it’s not something she does for me. However, I’m happy to do it if it makes WAW feel better. I hope it also might foster trust or happiness with me looking after D2, which would be good for me.
More generally, I guess I see WAW’s struggle with fears more clearly than I did before & I want to support that in a way that works (at least as much as I can given it is her life). When things were really bad, I allowed anger and resentment to mask my pains whereas (in my view) WAW allowed fear to consume her e.g.1 she'd never want to let anyone down at work/at home so end up withno boundaries/work incredibly long hours without question to the detriment of not only the marriage but her own physical health. e.g.2 believe ‘irrational’ fears: she said to my sister shortly after BD that she thought I would steal D2 from her. Yes, I’ve been verbally abusive and not a good husband or communicator – particularly in the last 6 months before BD, but I’d never do that. That I’d contributed to her thinking that I could or would is devastating and showed me how much work I needed to do on me and just how destructive my anger was. I want to say (for balance :)) when we were in a good space, we were really complementary. WAW is practical, intelligent and organised. I’m ambitious, idealist, and spontaneous. She inspired me to do something with my ambition. I like to think that I helped her to reveal herself her feelings/needs more. About 3 years into our marriage, she shared that she’d composed some music when she was at secondary school and we listened to it. I know that this was hard for her, but it was cathartic too.
For some reason in my reply re lunch arrangements, I thought what the heck, and asked her if she’d like to share dinner with D2 and I on Saturday night. D2 and I will be together alone (my parents and sister are all away) and I thought it could be good – also for D2 to see us together at a time that’s not a hand-over. I felt alright about WAW declining too.
Anyway, WAW’s come back to ask if she could attend a lunch rather than dinner. I’m happy that she has done this & am happy to change to lunch. I will try to make it nice (as I would even if she wasn’t coming). I’ve no expectations and I’ll make sure I don’t put too much pressure on myself about it too. There will be no R talk at all. I want to make the most of this opportunity to seem like a ‘good bloke’ (kiwi for ‘a man who only a fool would leave’):)
