BD was 5 yrs ago.. I still don' t understand what XH is going through.. I see it as a mental illness.. An unbalance of hormones or a personality disorder???? I don' t know..
But one thing I had to think about was how I would handle this. I tried to change myself for him, I tried to stand by him even " monster ". I tried to be reliable for him. I was destroying myself , my values and my principals. I was going against myself, becoming someone I didn' t respect. I saw myself as patathic and weak. How could I accept the unacceptable. How could I stand by someone who lies, takes advantage of others, disrespect everyone, steal, betray and much much more. It wasn' t right.. HE made those choices all by himself, not me. I was becoming like him. abusing him verbally, disrespecting him, wanting him back then push him away because of his betrail. I put the attention on ME and MY CHOICES. I wanted to be a role model for my kids. I wanted to teach them NOT TO LET ANYONE treat you badly.
Sometimes, I wonder if MLC is not just an excuse for bad behavior.. And depression, the result of those behaviors.. I did not become an alcoholic because my father was one !! That would be an excuse to justify my wrong doing.. I did not push XH away because he pushed me away.. I did because of his abuse, his lies, his betrail, his lack of respect for others and his breaking laws with disregard of consequences. NO LAWS apply to him.. AND I MEAN NONE!!!! He gets away with everything because of the badge he carries. Everything is a joke. Even our separation agreement sign infront of the judge. EVEN THE 2 CALLS I have made to the police on him.
ALL this in search of HAPPINESS ????? And, in the process made everything worst then what it was when we were a whole family.. CRONGRATS XH !!
I am now living life my way !!! Am I selfish for it?? I don' t think so because no decisions are made with only me in mind.. My kids are ALWAYS INTO consideration. Even when I think about dating.
