1st post. Long but please read, help!

[Zues126]

Thank you CMF, bond, goat gal. Three days since I posted. What have I done/learned.

What I have done is easy, I'll start there. I have been reading a lot, spending time with friends, and my best friends family. Yesterday they took me to church, it was my first trip. It tears me up to think God is still waiting to take me back after what I've done. I think in many ways the misery I've brought on myself and my stbx is because I didn't believe I was worthy of this grace.

I've been acting differently. I was high intensity, driven to a level that was crazy. My therapist told me I had done a good job channeling that in healthy ways (working my way up the corporate ladder, competing and winning money by dominating in my game of choice). I just didn't realize that the root was so flawed. The last few days I've been much more soft spoken, humble, and in the moment. My ego is still there and waiting to be freed again to take over, this is a life long journey. But at least I've experienced a simpler life so I know what looks like to just exist in the present.

I've read a lot. DB, DR. CMF- I've got the prayer of a loving husband and am praying daily. I'm now on to Codependant No More. This is something I want to share with the forums. Even if you don't think you are CD it is a must read. Basically CD is the OPPOSITE of detachment, it is becoming too attached and problems grow from there. I realize now that much of my well intentioned yearning for growth and healing is still me being me- trying to find a way to control, hanging on to my R, trying to get me stbx to see we can do a different dance. Again, like me therapist said, I'm being controlling in healthy ways (not getting high, pursuing or threatening, etc), but I see it for what it is.

Seeing it hasn't changed it. As I read this book I keep yearning to give a copy to my stbx. She wasnt the person with the problem, but she was certainly caught in the dance. But I realize that since I do TRULY love her the only way she can get better is on her own. That's the point.

I still pray that we can both learn to be strong on our own, that one day we can reconnect in a healthier dance, that we can share the growth we've gone through and follow a spiritual path together the way we were intended. Now I'm trying to sort which of these desires are the will of God and which are dependent and controlling. My heart tells me that I need to relinquish ALL control and focus solely on The Lord, my children, and being an effective Coparent. Not easy, but it's the only way I can move forward.

Oh, and day 9 no porn. That's the easy part. It's the growth that comes after that's tough.

Thanks for the support and sharing this tough time. If anyone else needs help with detaching get that CD no more book!!!