1st post. Long but please read, help!

[MrBond]

"There were two things that she did/said that I thought were odd. One- the bathroom upstairs connects with the masterbedroom. She left the door to the bedroom open so when I used the bathroom I could peer in and see how she redid it all. Since most people want their privacy I assume she wanted me to see it. Second, there was a screensaver on her computer that was rolling a bunch of recently taken pictures in the back ground. Some were the kids, some were my family. She said something about how she had to 'shut that off, there's a picture of someone, someone, and "ex-boyfriend". Maybe I misheard her, but I think she was dropping a hint that she had hung out with her ex recently and wanted me to know."

All mindreading.

[Zues126]

Thank you CMF, bond, goat gal. Three days since I posted. What have I done/learned.

What I have done is easy, I'll start there. I have been reading a lot, spending time with friends, and my best friends family. Yesterday they took me to church, it was my first trip. It tears me up to think God is still waiting to take me back after what I've done. I think in many ways the misery I've brought on myself and my stbx is because I didn't believe I was worthy of this grace.

I've been acting differently. I was high intensity, driven to a level that was crazy. My therapist told me I had done a good job channeling that in healthy ways (working my way up the corporate ladder, competing and winning money by dominating in my game of choice). I just didn't realize that the root was so flawed. The last few days I've been much more soft spoken, humble, and in the moment. My ego is still there and waiting to be freed again to take over, this is a life long journey. But at least I've experienced a simpler life so I know what looks like to just exist in the present.

I've read a lot. DB, DR. CMF- I've got the prayer of a loving husband and am praying daily. I'm now on to Codependant No More. This is something I want to share with the forums. Even if you don't think you are CD it is a must read. Basically CD is the OPPOSITE of detachment, it is becoming too attached and problems grow from there. I realize now that much of my well intentioned yearning for growth and healing is still me being me- trying to find a way to control, hanging on to my R, trying to get me stbx to see we can do a different dance. Again, like me therapist said, I'm being controlling in healthy ways (not getting high, pursuing or threatening, etc), but I see it for what it is.

Seeing it hasn't changed it. As I read this book I keep yearning to give a copy to my stbx. She wasnt the person with the problem, but she was certainly caught in the dance. But I realize that since I do TRULY love her the only way she can get better is on her own. That's the point.

I still pray that we can both learn to be strong on our own, that one day we can reconnect in a healthier dance, that we can share the growth we've gone through and follow a spiritual path together the way we were intended. Now I'm trying to sort which of these desires are the will of God and which are dependent and controlling. My heart tells me that I need to relinquish ALL control and focus solely on The Lord, my children, and being an effective Coparent. Not easy, but it's the only way I can move forward.

Oh, and day 9 no porn. That's the easy part. It's the growth that comes after that's tough.

Thanks for the support and sharing this tough time. If anyone else needs help with detaching get that CD no more book!!!

[Zues126]

Bond! I think I got it! It may go away in a minute and I'm not saying I can live it- but after reading that CD book for just a moment I get it.

No one owes anyone anything. Doesn't matter if they're in a marriage or not. Nothing is owed. If a spouse doesn't want to work, help around the house, parent, spend time together, contribute in any way...they don't have to. Now the other spouse doesn't have to stick around for that crap, and I'm not saying that the key to a fulfilling relationship is to be sociopathic or anything. I think that there is an exchange of gifts and loving people take time to understand each other's needs and give accordingly within their boundaries and what they have to share. But everyone is responsible for their own happiness and everything else is the gravy.

I wrote down today in my notes: "I tried to control my W to force her to keep loving me. It had the opposite effect." I realize what I was so afraid of. I was afraid of her not loving me. And I thought I needed that because I didn't feel I was worthy of love and needed her to prove me wrong.

Now I realize that I'm worthy of my own love and God's love. I don't need anything from her. I'd certainly welcome it if she wanted to share more time with me, be intimate down the road, etc. And it would be nice if she was more receptive for the ways I want to express my love for her. But it's not a requirement. And right now it's not a big deal.

So here I am in my buddy's basement, waiting for my STBX to file the divorce (possibly this Wednesday). And for the moment I'm ok with it. It's like- hey- I hurt her. She needs to be her own, independent, strong, and happy woman. I'm glad for her, and find her more attractive then ever. I will be my own independent man. Maybe some day she'll decide she wants more from me than child support and a father for her kids. If not I'll find someone that does or will be ok on my own. But regardless it will come from her choosing, not from me trying to force.

This is so hard to see I had to share it and save it so I could reference it tomorrow if I regress...

Thanks all!

[Thornton]

Very insightful, Zues!

That's some honest self reflection there, good job!

I can relate with the controlling issue as well. Mine stems from a fear of abandonment, it sounds like yours does too. Have you read Codependant No More? It's great book and really helps with control issues.

What do you think you can do to be less controlling?

[Paz2014]

That's fantastic Zeus! I've returned from a weekend camping trip feeling a little discouraged but God knew this and lead me to your post. You see I've prayed to be used as an instrument to do His will...to bring His children home to Him. Amidst all this chaos that's going on in my M, I asked God that He use my experience to affect others and bring those people closer to Him during their time of need. I was reluctant at first for fear of sounding preachy but he pushed me to share my experience with you. Your picking up "The Power of a Praying Husband" is proof that God listens to our prayers. I prayed for your sitch and hoped that in your desperation you would seek Him. Yeah, it's just a book...but change begins with one tiny step. You are well on your way to spiritual healing.

It's natural to feel unworthy of God's grace. How can we still be loved and be forgiven for all the wrong we've caused? I struggled with this too because in my mind I had caused so much destruction that I felt ashamed. But then I learned that how we (humans) perceive sin is not the same as how God perceives it. We operate on the idea that sin is measurable...one sin is greater than the other. God on the other hand sees all sins the same way. Kinda of like an imaginary line...once you've crossed it, you have sinned. But know that no amount of sin is unforgivable. Jesus gave his life for all humans to be saved from their sins...every single one of them--you included. So don't look at your sin as something to be measured but something to be redeemed from. We are all born as sinners and because of this we will continue to sin. So be prepared to be tested even further now that the enemy knows where you are heading and what you have discovered. These testings will come in many different forms...work, kids, marriage, friends, finances, health, you...

Furthermore, as you strengthen your walk and relationship with God, you will discover that sin will start to lose it's power over you. That is, there are certain things (like porn) that you will be able to turn from and know without a doubt that God has given you the strength to do so. He will also reveal to you that your body is not your own but belongs to your W and conversely her body is not her own but belongs to you. You were made man and wife to fulfill each other's needs rather than "I'll get mine because she's not giving it to me." It's truly profound...

I hope that you continue in your walk and that you find God is sufficient enough to get you through your pain. Please, provide updates when you can. It encourages me to push through another day. If need be you can always send private emails to anyone on this site that has enabled that feature on their profile.

[BigMac]

Man, I see myself in these posts. Especially the super driven to a fault self. I hope it all works out for you.

[GoatGal]

Just curious, who is pushing this rapid divorce timeline?

Just because she wants it doesn't mean you have to help her, sign off, or anything else!

Let her do ALL the work on that.

And nice going--- abstaining for nine days.
Good for you.


----GGG

[Zues126]

Thanks for the replies. Time for an update. Yes, I have read Co-dependent No More. I have now been doing the exercises at the end of each chapter. 5 1/2 pages yesterday of answers.

Yes, today is day 12 with no porn. I don't see going back but I suppose I shouldn't be complacent. I haven't been able to abstain from the more natural male activity, but I don't think I could stop- particularly while single and kicking the more destructive habit. Hopefully my mind continues to clear up as time passes. That's still one big area for my growth. Boy does it stink to be a guy sometimes, it's a tough burden to have this much lust and desire inside. I often think no woman could ever truly understand it and I allowed that to sink my M.

In general all I can say is this is just such a funny journey. Sunday night I was spending time with my children and my STBX was in the room. There were some moments of real warmth. She laughed at a few things I said to the kids, and we exchanged some playful words. I had a feeling that she would withdraw after that, and sure enough there was no contact for 3 days after that. My DB Coach told me I was astute to expect that. Basically she let her guard down more than she intended and needs to reestablish the boundary. My plan is when I see those signs of warmth NOT to try to rush in and take every inch of gain, but instead just lay back so she doesn't feel threatened by opening up a little.

The strange part of this journey though is how in the dark I feel every time I start wondering what my chances are. I mean, she might literally have made up her mind to the soul there is no future. She might be wrestling with this daily and looking for signs of change or hope. I have no idea. I try not to think about it but it's hard. Many times this feels like just a complete mind game with myself.

So I really have tried to detach. I'm asking God for a lot of help with that. The hard part is it's NOT steady progress. I'll feel like myself again, detached, excited about what I'm doing, the progress I'm making, etc. Then the next day I'll be right back to 'when is this nightmare going to be over?'

As for cooperating with the D, I'm not going to be the one speeding it up, but I'm not going to try to road block it. I'll let her drive and do what I need to ensure a good partnership with the person I'll be co-parenting with for a long time. I think she's in a hurry because she wants to be financially independent and needs child support and alimony to feel safe. Frankly I've hurt her badly and want her to have the safety she craves. Maybe then she'll have time to thing about what she wants. And my DB Coach told me to get a place of my own. Apparently as long as I'm shacking up in my buddies basement it looks like I'm staring in the window waiting to see if she'll let me back in. Instead if I move on and get my own place it indicates I AM moving on and makes her take more responsibility for what's happening. If I'm not fighting for the relationship she will have to answer tough questions. Maybe she already has, but either way it's better than hovering.

Bottom line, I have a lot more work to do on me. I'm trying to be the person God wants me to be. Apparently God wants me to be a roller coastering emotional wreck . But I know he put me here to learn what he needed me to learn. I am putting him first in my life and asking for a lot of strength to get to know him better and to have him share his will with me.

Thank you for sharing my struggles and occasional breakthroughs.

[Zues126]

Oh- the big fear. She's not going to be ok financially after the D. Even if she gets half my income that's not enough. If she works it doesn't do much more than cover child care.

D is very, very difficult. Financially. Trying to coordinate time with the children. One on one time with the children, and group time. Frequent time as I have a 3 year old so every other weekend isn't enough.

After wrestling with all the logistics there is no real solution other than to reconcile! Part of me hopes she sees that, how tough this road is, how quick she gave up on the M, etc. But I don't believe that. I think she's suffered and struggled more than I knew. And she won't buckle because things are tough, she'll just get more determined. She's stubborn like I am.

And the scary part is the only way I can see her making it financially is by having some other guy move in. I don't think that's in her character, but man, that would be tragic if it was something she allowed to be free of me. I'm probably just driving myself crazy with 'what ifs', but I'm allowed to do that for a few minutes a day before I turn back to me and the here and now.

[MrBond]

"After wrestling with all the logistics there is no real solution other than to reconcile!"

That's your reasoning. She left because you failed to change. You expect her to stay miserable for the sake of logistics.

"Part of me hopes she sees that, how tough this road is, how quick she gave up on the M, etc."

You said that this occurred over a period of years and she told you many times she was uncomfortable with certain things but you blew off her concerns.

"But I don't believe that. I think she's suffered and struggled more than I knew. And she won't buckle because things are tough, she'll just get more determined. She's stubborn like I am."

Being stubborn has nothing to do with it. Just because YOU THINK you're fine and everything is perfect, doesn't mean that she trusts or wants to trust it.

"And the scary part is the only way I can see her making it financially is by having some other guy move in."

That just shows how little you think of your W. She had the strength to leave you which I doubt that you ever imagined.

"I don't think that's in her character, but man, that would be tragic if it was something she allowed to be free of me. I'm probably just driving myself crazy with 'what ifs', but I'm allowed to do that for a few minutes a day before I turn back to me and the here and now."

She wouldn't be doing it to be "free" of you. She would be doing it to find out that there are men who will respect her more than you did. The question is how do you change her perception?

All of that stuff you mentioned about the financials are more control on your part. You can't keep doing that if that was one of the reasons why she left.