"Speak Softly and Carry a Big Stick"

[GoatGal]

I know I said I'd get off this board--but I HAVE TO VENT!


H is still attempting to jerk me around with the scheduling!

We specifically agreed that H would be here to cover for me at 5:30 to feed, etc. so that I could actually get dressed and look like a woman instead of a farmer to go to my event tonight.

Now his "July 4th Roomie Get-Togther" has turned into this vague thing where he has NO IDEA when he'll get here.

Grrrrrrrr.... I know he is doing this on purpose. He knows FULL WELL he said he'd be here.

I wrote--and deleted---a bunch of texts stating:

"You and I both know this is the second time in less than a week that you have committed to one thing with regard to schedule, then done another."

"If I can't rely on you to be here when you say you will, that is another adaptation I will have to make."

"I will not be treated like this. It stops here, now, with me."

"I will be making other arrangements so I can get out of the house while making sure the animals are cared for if you are no longer going be here on a regular basis"

All of these things are TRUE. And I WILL DO THEM.

However, I do not need to announce them...just DO them. He'll get the message.

And then I noticed that back-of-the-head prickly feeling I get when I'm getting really ticked off--and held off responding until I got that under control.

I tried to think about his perspective.
Was he really jerking me around, or was there more?

Yes. There IS more.

The woman having the party is the woman with whom he's been staying, rent free, on and off since September. (No...she's a lesbian. Way confirmed. But totally co-dependent, and his employee...)
No wonder he feels responsible... How can he tell her he won't be there?

Maybe he WAS trying to bait me (a little, I think), but I am not going to take that bait and give him more ammo to use against me.

I can just hear him at this little shin-dig.
(EMPLOYEES! Who else? Those are the only people he hangs around, because he's their BOSS.)
"What a b*tch, that Goat Gal. After all, look what a great guy I'm being. I haven't thrown her out of the house and I still allow her to spend MY money!"
"All I wanted was some fun time TOO and look what she said to me!"
To which he'd get a lot of "Oh, poor you, what a shrew you're dumping..." no doubt.

So what did savvy little, Mistress of Manipulation ME REALLY say in response?

I said;
"I know that you owe Ms.Friend a lot so if you can't make it by six, I completely understand."

You catch more flies with honey, and Honey---if he's got anything to use to convince himself that I'm a b*tch, he'll try and use it.
I don't want him associating me with negative vibes, unless he's really overstepping. And he's not overstepping YET, because he has yet to say he won't be here on time. So I don't want to project.


This way it serves the added purpose of making him feel like a cad.
If such a thing is possible.

Meanwhile, I'll just go on my merry way without him and continue to make my plans.
Which WILL include Amish boys. Or better yet, a few guys that really rock the beards and suspenders, but are not "inhibited" by the "Amish Lifestyle".

Just had to get that out before he writes back.


And yes, MrBond, I will draw the hard line if I know for sure it's disrespectful or demeaning to me. You can believe that.

It's hard to do that via text, though.

--GG

[GoatGal]

So how does a guy who thinks of himself as a "Good Guy" cheat on and leave his sweet wife?

He convinces himself that she is a shrew.
Now, he's off the hook.

(Yes, I stole that from the book "No More Mister Nice Guy", more or less.)

---GG

[claire7]

Or, in my case (where my WAH has "no hard feelings", and has actually been quite nice and accomodating to me), just convinces himself that people simply fall out of love, or just aren't right for each other, and that there is absolutely no possibility in the world that any of those feelings could ever possibly return, so there is simply no point in doing any sort of work at all to try to rebuild the relationship, despite the fact that a child is involved, there has been no infidelity or abuse, or that our families have invested literally tens of thousands of dollars into our marriage. Nope. Love just simply dies, and there is nothing to do except move on with no hard feelings. Sounds mature, right?

Sorry. I'm in a mood right now!

And... congrats GG! You definitely made the right call. He will probably be feeling bad, and have no one to blame but himself, since you are being nothing but nice! Have a great evening, whenever you get to start it.

[GoatGal]

I'm about ready to send this text to H.

And I will, at "hour three" of "waiting to find out what TIME THE PARTY STARTS"????

(Are you kidding me? There is no way this is not deliberate at this point. Am I supposed to believe that his hostess has no idea when this is going to happen? Come on. Look at me. I was not born yesterday.)

Me: "Still no news?
(I KNOW YOU"RE PUSHING MY BUTTONS BUT IT"S NOT GOING TO WORK!!!)

"If that's the case, there is no way you'll be able to get here in time to help me out..."

(OF COURSE WE BOTH KNOW THAT'S NOT WHY YOU WANT TO BE HERE AT ALL, SO LET'S NOT PRETEND ANYMORE!!!)

"....so I'll just make other plans."


"I guess I'll just see you tomorrow..."

(OR NOT, YOU SELFISH THING THAT USED TO BE MY HUSBAND!!!) ...

"Meanwhile, have fun at your shin-dig; set off a few sparklers for me! "

----GGrrrrrrr


(Obviously the ALL CAPS are what I was thinking, but did not say.)

[GoatGal]

Well, good thing I didn't rip him a new one---I was feeling mighty mighty mad.


I finally broke down and called his cell, left a very upbeat message,
"Hey, haven't heard from you... I'd hate to have to cancel my plans tonight, so keep me in the loop, OK?"
(I know he wants to stay here, so that would light a fire under his butt.)

Heard nothing back.. grrrrr.


Called his "Land Lady's" house phone after no response...

(Very upbeat again... )

ME: "Hey there! Didja forget about me?"
(Smiley, happy, upbeat! )

HIM: "No...why?"

ME: "Because I didn't hear back... I wasn't sure if you were going to get here in time."

HIM: "I sent you a text two hours ago saying it was no problem, I'll be there when you need me to be. I'm leaving here at 5."

ME: "Oh great, thanks! I never got that text... so I was kinda wondering.
But, OK, that's terrific. Hope you're having fun, see you when you get here. "
(SMILEY FACE SMILEY FACE....Happy Happy Goat Gal! Feeling very Gumby-ish tonight too!)

It's true, he's in a bad text/call zone. I'd forgotten that. But not completely, which is why I called the house phone.

Good thing I STFU... could have gone way wrong there.

As it is---*SIGH OF RELIEF*.......

Just goes to show you, when you ASS-ume...

Best to assume the best of him, unless proven otherwise.

Also that pit-of-the-stomach feeling I got when calling the house phone. Like he might not be there at all.
I was prepared though, if that were the case. I would just leave a message saying I'd made other plans, no need to come tonight, see him tomorrow. No need to call back.

So I AM detaching much better. It seems my issues now are more with him pushing my buttons accidentally or on purpose, and that he appears to be messing with me in a manipulative way.

As MrBond and Cadet both said: It's when he crosses my boundary, that I need to act. Otherwise, let him do his thing.

Well, getting dumped on chore-wise, and disrespected (either in word or action), are two boundaries I will not tolerate being crossed.

---GG

[Maybell]

I'm glad that worked out all right.

Question: You won't tolerate getting the chores dumped on you... but you were totally willing to cancel your plans if his changed, even though your understanding was that he was committed to being there?

Good job recognizing that your buttons getting pushed was accidental.

[Maybell]

GoatGal, where've you been? Everything ok?

[GoatGal]

Thanks, Maybell!

No... I'm here and I'm FINE.

Better than fine, in fact.

I'm just processing the last two days; I'll keep you posted!


PS: I wasn't able to snag an Amish boy, but I've got something even better!

(Keep it clean, people!)

----GG

[Maybell]

There you are!!! Given the whole dehumidifier/AC episode I was getting worried about you.

Glad you're ok, looking forward to hearing what you've come up with.

[GoatGal]

Question from Maybell: "You won't tolerate getting the chores dumped on you... but you were totally willing to cancel your plans if his changed, even though your understanding was that he was committed to being there?"

I need to clarify that.
No, I was definitely not willing to cancel my plans.
I was putting HIM on notice that I would be um..."re-arranging things" for that evening, which meant his presence was NOT going to be required as planned.

And one thing I know for sure is that he wants to stay here.
So... the change was only going to be: "Don't bother coming tonight--see you tomorrow, I guess!"

However, it's like having a babysitter cancel at the last minute.

If he didn't show up, it would have been much harder for me to get out, not that I couldn't, but it becomes a real production.
(There's nothing like trying to chase after roosters in high heels and a little black dress...)
I would have had to leave later and come home earlier due to the animals/chores, medications, and the fact that I'd be up again at 6 AM.

As it happens, I got home after 5 AM... !!!

More on that story later...


"Good job recognizing that your buttons getting pushed was accidental."

Yeah. Thank goodness I didn't react to that.
I have to keep reminding myself that some of this stuff is accidental, some is deliberate, and some is simply in my head.

It all worked out.

---GG

PS: Glad you're checking on me, Maybell!