I have read it many, many times in these threads- I mean He knows me - for like 30 years. He told me he as a OW He knows I would not get a divorce without a lawyer. He keeps saying "sit down and discuss the details".
8 weeks since BD. for the last 6 weeks = he asks about a divorce 2x - 3x a week. Who makes life altering decisions from the gut like that?
He is a big boy. If he wants an OW and divorce, he needs to find an lawyer and file one. He keeps wanting to make this MY problem. It is not. It is his. After my "back off" email this morning, I'm pretty sure he is going to file, tho. Im getting so frustrated, I almost wish it would happen.
I don't know if that is scary, or just expected.
He does not care about anything I do. He wants me to vanish. I am still in the shock faze.
Last edited by bugsby; 07/04/1403:42 AM.
Me: 48 H: 48 Married 26 , together 30 D1: 21 D2: 18 "Happily Married" until BD 4 weeks later: "Im talking to someone" No papers filed. Attempting 180, finding it difficult.
Since my last email ( the one where I polite requested he back off the "easy quick" divorce badgering,) he has been complete NC with me - text his daughters
They ignore him. My DD 18 had a horrible allergic reaction, requiring emergency room.
After it all was over, I just wanted - so bad - to tell him about it and get comforting words from him. Until 3 am it was almost like an obsession. I did NOT communicate.
Getting better little by little. How can you DB when they ignore you? I have had such a new attitude!
Me: 48 H: 48 Married 26 , together 30 D1: 21 D2: 18 "Happily Married" until BD 4 weeks later: "Im talking to someone" No papers filed. Attempting 180, finding it difficult.
He won't ignore you forever, at some point you will have interactions.
He's doing what you wanted, because at this point all he wants is to get a D. He has nothing else to talk about.
I know this is difficult but you can't change any of this other than what you control. Wishing things were different, he was different only keeps you stuck. Let it go.
That doesn't mean that magically your troubles disappear but it can give you some peace. Every time your mind goes to something you can't control, have mantra, something like-Not in my control.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
DD 18 back in emergency room - allergic reaction like I have never seen before.
I texted husband - WS-, Sister and other daughter re: DD 18 condition at triage. (She could not breathe well, hives and total burgundy color to all her skin. Took andrenalyn shots to alleviate the swelling.) >PSHEW<< I almost had a heart attack when I saw her come in.
Two hours later, husband -WS - called, demanding why he was not "called". I told him he was informed, We don't even know where he is staying - so she went directly to hospital. He did not show concern (empathy) , but instead used this as a platform to - yet again- try to get me to sit down and hash out an "easy divorce". (he said ; "If we settle the housing arrangement, I could have been there....')
I have asked for more time _ like months - not weeks, of keeping things "normal". He is absolutely refusing to let it drop - on the other hand he is refusing to file. -- Wants a no lawyer divorce, he says.....
At one point I was crying - not for or at him - but due to the severity of the reaction and all I have been through. He used this as a reason to batter me with critique. This divorce is your fault. You did this, you did that.....
I said, "You should have been home - if you really want to be there to help." I repeated I am not ready to discus divorce yet -( 2 months from BD) and for him to PLEASE do not badger me. I know, he can do what he wants, I can not control that - > I was incredulous that he even turned this emergency into a reason to discus divorce..<< - after midnight.... Very sad by his anger, outbursts and badgering. And selfishness - but I did not say any of these things..
but, I did remind him - there is a third person in this marriage.. He SCOFFED... I >without yelling, or contempt -- at all< asked him, "Are you having an extramarital affair?"
He just started yelling accusations and hung up....
I know, believe nothing of what they say and 50% of what they do. I know - this is only 8 weeks into BD -- he is heavy, heavy into affair fog with dopamine, but has anybody had a WS badger them so?
he refuses to file himself! (He does not want to pay lawyer fees. Or apparently, alimony or any of that other "tricky" stuff... ) The ball is in his court. How painful and how destructive.
Last edited by bugsby; 07/05/1404:25 PM.
Me: 48 H: 48 Married 26 , together 30 D1: 21 D2: 18 "Happily Married" until BD 4 weeks later: "Im talking to someone" No papers filed. Attempting 180, finding it difficult.
Your h decided to utilize an emergency room visit to discuss divorce ? I'm no longer surprised by what I read on these boards. Yeesh. However, I would have just stopped him and said "D18 is my concern and I won't be discussing this now." You don't have to discuss anything you do t want to.
Hope she is feeling better. Those allergic reactions can be very scary. Take care of yourself.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Yes, everything comes down to "this is why we must sit down and discuss how we are going to end this."
It has been this way since about 3 weeks after bomb drop - about the time he admitted that he was "talking" to other woman --- but that was OK, because he was not cheating - (because it was after he informed me the marriage was "over".)
What kind of WS is this? In 30 years he has never been so selfish nor uncaring towards his children of me. He would have treated a stranger better.
He acts all nice, the minute things don't go this way, or he is told "no", he flies into a rant and rage...
Me: 48 H: 48 Married 26 , together 30 D1: 21 D2: 18 "Happily Married" until BD 4 weeks later: "Im talking to someone" No papers filed. Attempting 180, finding it difficult.
Has been pretty quiet around here all week - he was on vacation, obviously does not want anything to do with lil ole me. My DD18 (home with me) still refuses to talk to him. She is so disgusted she cancelled her Senior open house.
he has apparently stopped even texting her. (trying NC on a child? to see if she "bites" later?) He should come by today to mow the lawn. I have house in order, looking good, and will continue to 180 - really had when there is no contact. (Anything is better than pushing for divorce talks, so I'd rather he ignore me than harass me at this point.)
today marks 9 weeks since BD. He has never even shown ONE SIGN of truly wanting to reconcile, -- but he used to love to see me beg, tho! -rat--
I really have focused on myself - hypnotism, meditation, prayer, reorganized life,
Me: 48 H: 48 Married 26 , together 30 D1: 21 D2: 18 "Happily Married" until BD 4 weeks later: "Im talking to someone" No papers filed. Attempting 180, finding it difficult.
I wonder if "hanging in there" is what I want to do. Questioning everything. Having to put on a strong face for DD18 is the worst... but it has helped me move on to detachment.
Me: 48 H: 48 Married 26 , together 30 D1: 21 D2: 18 "Happily Married" until BD 4 weeks later: "Im talking to someone" No papers filed. Attempting 180, finding it difficult.
Hanging in there means keep up the good hard work, stay strong, and know this does all get easier. Questioning is good, it helps direct you to the wisest path.
I relied on my kids need for me to help me with my detachment. I'm not there like I'd like to be, but I'm getting there. When I can't be detached, I take a few minutes of privacy as best I can to let out the pain, and then I pull myself together and do something with the kids. Helps they're on summer vacation -- this would be very tough if they were still in school. I'm hoping to get a job soon, that will REALLY help with the detachment!
Best to you!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
