What would he need to DO in order to provide you with reassurance that this problem is being faced and overcome? And, for how long would he need to do it?
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I have worked on my list of ways he's perfect and the ways he's not.
Damn good question girl!
I would have to see a consistent pattern of him moving forward, even if it were in baby steps. He's been rather stagnant a while, but has been moving forward more the last month.
In the last year he lost his mother, which was his best friend. He's been grieving, and really lost with out her. At times I do believe he's going through the anger stage of grief. He was seeing a counselor for the grief, but he stopped. He admits that after his mom passed, he just got stuck in a rut. He admits he needs to get out of that rut but it's taken some big things to wake him up to get rolling again.
Perhaps I need to just be more patient and just see what happens.
I would have to see a consistent pattern of him moving forward, even if it were in baby steps. He's been rather stagnant a while, but has been moving forward more the last month.
Personally, because this is such a big and potentially abusive issue...I would be very specific about MY NEEDS. Consistent counseling and progress over what amount of time???
I think that asking for transparency when it comes to anger issues is appropriate. We all know that anger in a relationship can slowly erode the foundation and leave the other partner with a few extra suitcases of baggage.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Feeling pretty sad and disappointed, though I know it's the best thing for me.
Im beginning to think Im never going to find a true mate in this life.
I feel so alone, and so stupid for falling for a man that had issues all along! Yet I couldn't deny the connection, chemistry, similarities, and feeling that it was meant to be so I just kept on going forward with him.
I told boyfriend he was abusive and that unless he's willing to get back into therapy for issues he knows he has to deal with, I no longer wish to have any contact with him. Even so, if he does wish to get into therapy Im not willing to see him for a while and want limited contact of once a week.
No response to that, which I really didn't expect any, or if there was any just a bunch of twisting of words Im sure.
Im really curious.... does anyone know of anyone where their spouse, significant other, or who ever actually got their issues under control and actually made positive changes?
According to Lundy Bancroft there are a handful of men that can do that, but it's a long process of unlearning what is hardwired into their brains. Abusers have a distorted sense of what is right and what is wrong and are distant from anyone else's feelings but their very own.
Damn... I really dread mourning another relationship. Maybe I was vicariously trying to fix issues in my marriage through this relationship! Though there were so many things that were right about this one relationship, the one deal breaker still stood out loud and clear. I know when my marriage ended I felt so powerless. Where as this relationship ending, I knew I had a choice and I had the power to choose.
And I have to choose myself, no matter how hard it hurts. Because choosing to keep going with someone that is not willing to work on themselves or gives lip service that they will, is just futile. It's just treading water.
Because choosing to keep going with someone that is not willing to work on themselves or gives lip service that they will, is just futile. It's just treading water.
That's kind of life, isn't it? Making choices like that? And heck, if it was easy, everyone would do it
Kimmerz, it's just part of the learning process. You meet somebody, and you take your chances. It works, or it doesn't. Unlike in marriage, there's no commitment to stick around though.
You can't fix everyone. But some imperfect person will come along that will be worth working together with. Don't worry about that...
Are there examples? Of course. I had lunch today with an old friend. Her husband is the one I talked about marrying the OW on the same day the divorce was final. Know what? She and her ex have dinner with the kids all the time. They enjoy each other's company. She won't take him back, but it's not like he doesn't want back. There's just too much hurt behind it for her to overcome. To be honest, I think she wants him back in some way. But she has to overcome the hurt before that can happen and that may not happen. Meanwhile she dates losers (there are plenty of good people out there, but so far she still picks ones she would need to fix).
You deserve better, my friend. See it for what it is, and make your choice. If you decide to stay, do it with eyes open. If you decide to leave, do it with eyes open. Take what you've learned and use it.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Wow that friend of your's is mighty brave! The idea of having meals with my ex and our children makes me nauseous. It even seems in appropriate.
I find starting my life over, so bitter sweet, you know? In many ways I like having a life of my very own. There are so many advantages to that!
Yet at the same time, I still yearn for a family again. I yearn for a partner, a safe place to fall, a best friend, and someone to share my life with. I really could see that happening with boyfriend, up until the true colors started showing. Of course isn't that the way it always goes!
Im a very compassionate, accepting, loving, kind person. I want people to be themselves, and I know when we love people we accept them warts and all. And I guess what's emotionally kicking my a$$ right now, is that I accepted this of him! I know what his warts are. I love the beautiful side of him but am disgusted with his bad side that is not acceptable.
Kimmerz, I think some people do work on themselves, but if they can get away with not doing so, then they tend not to.
Leaving aside the 'imperfect people' it is partly about the 'price' we are willing to pay, and there are some prices that are just too high, no matter what. And with an emotional abuser you never stop paying.
You are a brave women. We become our actions. Enjoy the single life, it has a lot to offer. I know you didn't see this guy much but nevertheless you were investing emotional energy and focus in the relationship. And you still care for him.
I think being alone is very tough, but infinitely preferable to being with the wrong person.
Don't get me wrong, Kimmerz. That friend of mine? She found herself on the floor sobbing during all of this. It was not a good scene. She was angry and upset and still a bit angry if you ask me.
What changed? He did.
Without that, they wouldn't even so much as talk. I should know, I don't talk to my ex if I can help it. Why? Because she is still abusive etc. If she wasn't, it wouldn't bother me to have a conversation with her. I almost did last night regarding my son getting his license. But as I played it out, I thought better of it. It's just no longer worth talking to her or her husband.
For some people, that's the point that leads to a chance to regain a relationship of some sort. For others, not so much.
Feeling upset about it or nauseous? I get it, but that eventually goes away. It becomes a moot point and you simply either talk or do not.
Quote:
I think being alone is very tough, but infinitely preferable to being with the wrong person.
Amen, sister. Sing it!!!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
