and thanks for the thoughtful note. I'm so glad for your son - it's a hard job market - so yay him. i swear- if it weren't for my neices and their kids and some young people to be interested in and care about- i'd croak. and that is the truth.
adults are such a bother and soooo devoid of , well, mirth really. I love my friends - but my sisters drive me nuts - and the kids are saving me totally. visiting past week or so with 5 yr gr neice- i laughed so much- we goofed around sooo much & i miss her like crazy. makes me remember how good it feels to laugh - alot- every day. and how fun and easy to make a child happy and snatch a hug and life is allll soooo simple & good. i need more - it's my own giant addiction. gimme gimme
I am going to take a tip from you- and work alot (harder() on the mindfulness. You are right that i need to keep in the moment. As matter of fact, that is exactly what got me going down the "blue" road yesterday. wondering what the past million years really "were". if that's not non-productive - idk what is!!!
re h spending time with me- it's good and bad. i forget sometimes it's not what it was - what i thought. i don't know w hat it is really. i feel too old for this much uncertainty. i know life is change- God knows i've been told enough - i wonder if i were just totally alone and lonely all the time0- i'd adjust and not know about him and he would cease to exist in my life & memory. maybe i'd be done and happier. just wonder - ya kn ow?
re other men- - i'd like one, - i'm hoping that if i ever meet anyone worthwhile it will be that old pleasure to get to know each other - little by little, and form a r. remember that? when it was "fun" to get to know someone- not some chore we had to do- like cruise internet for dates - eeeeek.
you're very positive - it's heartening. i want to be "happy". i'm not sad- i'm not quite at happy tho. good luck with meditation. the closest i think i can get is when i walk and do stomach crunches and count. my brain is so full of looking around, and counting- i zone out. who knows, maye i can try it sometime again and have success. i do need to empty mind - alot.
today- i am not going to engage in convo about my sister's anger about not inheriting as much as everyone else.(???!!!) I am going to figure out what to do with this mountain of junk i brought down from attic - and i'm going to go get out in the garden soon and spread my mulch arund. i love my mulch bags- but last batch sat there for about three years - i know, how sad is that?
i DO have many things to be grate ful for. i do "get it" that we have to appreciate what we do have - and not waste time mourning what we don't have.
i am a "communicator" tho - too much maybe. i used to fill in all the blanks in my r with assumptions based on actions. (my mother wasn't a talker either- just like h).
now that i've given up the assumptions - im feelin like life is very empty of feelings. (something like that)
i'm very tired and bored by his usual old "stone wall" - light banter - strict avoidance of anything meaningful conversation thing. it's not enough- i'm croakin for something authentic and positive here. oh well- said it- moving past it- .
that being said- i have a lovely neice here in town - 16, good companion- we had a great long walk last nite- to local very charming cemetary- she took pix & we read stones, etc. very companionable & pleasant. i'm keeping that GOOD THOUGHT - and not letting h and allll the negative stuff creep in today-
or die trying.....so long and thanks
resolution number 6 million huh? who says, fall down 23, get up 24...
